A comfortable silence fills the air, and after sitting down and starting our meal, he clears his throat. I look up, expecting the question I’ve known was coming, but not sure I’m ready to answer. “How did it go with Izzy today?” He finishes cutting a piece of his chicken, but pauses with it halfway to his mouth when he sees the nervousness take over my face. Telling Izzy what Brandon had done to me had been a painful conversation, but it will pale in comparison to how gutting it will be to tell Beck.
I think I’ve always known that he would be the hardest one for me to tell. I have had a very real fear that he would look at me differently if he knew everything that had played a part in keeping me from him. Like he would think I’m damaged goods, tainted, unworthy. Things would have been a lot easier if I hadn’t been afraid to tell him. I took a while, but now I can tell that he would have helped me get over it back then and still would’ve loved me.
“It wasn’t easy.” He nods his head and waits for me to continue. “I think that was one of the hardest conversations I will ever have in my life.”
“How did she take it?”
“Better than I thought she would. She’ll be okay because it’s Izzy.”
He smiles, returning to his meal for a few bites. We both know how strong Izzy is now, and since she has Axel standing by her side, I know she’ll be able to move past this and not have it affect us.
In a way, having the strength to tell Izzy is what gives me the strength to have this conversation with Beck.
“I would like to tell you what we talked about, if that’s okay.” I rush the last part out so that I don’t wuss out before I finish.
He stops what he’s doing, sets his fork down, and gives me his full attention. “I’m done eating if you want to talk now.” His eagerness helps give me the final push to talk. He’s been waiting for this moment since I closed myself off and pushed him away. Patiently waiting for me to open up.
“Why don’t we get everything cleaned up, and then go sit somewhere and have a drink. I think you’re going to need it.” I stand up and do my best to ignore the worried look across his face.
I smile when I walk into the kitchen with our dishes, because I know, with not one single shadow of doubt, that I’m ready to have this conversation. Not only that, but I finally can see with crystal clear clarity that, once I get this out, there won’t be anything left standing in our way.
I finished up cleaning up our dinner mess and walked out into the living room where Beck’s on the phone with his sister, Julie. The phone rang right when we finished up dinner, and even though he’s anxious to get our conversation rolling, he answered with a smile.
I round the couch and hand him a beer before settling in next to him. He pulls me close with the hand that isn’t holding the phone, and smiles.
“Yeah, Jules, I know. I promise that I’ll be home to visit soon. Yeah. No, I haven’t forgotten how to work a phone. Yeah, she’s great.” He stops talking and looks into my eyes, giving me a light squeeze so I know she’s asking about me.
I’ve talked to Julie, his youngest sister, a few times over the phone, and once when she came to visit. She’s such a sweetheart and we connected instantly. His other sister, Peyton, I haven’t met in person, but each time I’ve spoken to her on the phone, I can tell that she’s just like Julie. Both of them share the same huge heart and compassionate soul that Beck has.
“I think mom said she would be driving down to visit sometime next month. You know how she is; she wants to wait until you and Pey can come down with her.” He laughs at whatever Julie says in return.
I settle into his chest and enjoy the feeling of his voice vibrating against my body. This feels so right, sharing this moment, even though it’s just a small one with him. Doing things that normal couples take for granted feels like a huge accomplishment for me. When he hangs up the phone and turns to me, catching my smile, he offers one just as big back to me.
“What’s that smile for?”
“I’m just enjoying the moment.” My smile fades when I realize that it’s time to have this talk with him. “How’s Julie?” I ask, trying to buy some time to settle the butterflies in my stomach.
He gives a snort, shaking his head a few times. Obviously, he knows me well enough to know my stalling tactics. “Do you really want to know or would you rather I sit here and let you calm down a little while before we talk?” He isn’t mad, just being honest.
“You really do know me, don’t you?” I laugh softly. “I really do want to know how she is, but I do also need a second to collect my thoughts.”