She starts shaking her head begging me to shut up.
“I’m sorry, so sorry I wasn’t there when you needed me, but he said he would kill you! I tried to keep my eyes on you, but I was so terrified that if I even tried to warn you, he would take you from me completely.”
Her body is heaving with her sobs, and it’s hard to tell who is crying louder at this point. She grabs me and pulls me into a tight, painful hug. We sit there, rocking together for a while, before she pulls back.
“He raped you, didn’t he?” she asks a few minutes later, her voice calm despite the fact that her hands are shaking violently.
“Yeah, he did.”
If she hadn’t have jumped slightly, I wouldn’t have thought that she heard me since I’d spoken so lightly.
“I’m trying to process this. I really am… I can’t even wrap my head around all of this, Dee! Why didn’t you tell me years ago? Even after he was gone? Did you think I would blame you? God, never! I’m upset because you had to go through that alone.” She wipes her eyes with her shirt and tries to calm herself down. “You’re like my sister, Dee. Why couldn’t you tell me?”
“Because I didn’t know how. It seems so simple now, looking back, but then, all I saw was another man turned monster. It wasn’t even about the rape, Izzy. That was terrible, but I survived it. I was worried about you and what would happen if I didn’t find a way to save you.”
She grabs my hand and holds it tightly. “You did save me. That night that I called you, you saved my life that day and every day after. I wish you had told me about this years ago, but thank you for telling me now. For trusting me with this.”
We sit here both with our own pain, for a few minutes when I feel her hand constrict against mine. “You aren’t done, are you? If you were done, you wouldn’t look like that.” Her eyes are wide and panicked with the unknown fear of what else I have to tell her.
“I’m not done.”
“Jesus, Dee.” She shakes her head in disbelief. “Tell me, please.” Her pleading voice gives me the last push I need.
I tell her about the pain I suffered after Brandon’s final attack. How his attack clicked some switch inside of me. How it made me feel like I was drowning in the nightmare that he created. How I had no hope in my escape. I tell her all about my fight with depression, and concerning what the doctor has diagnosed as PTSD brought on by the attack. For a second, I think I need to stop, or fib a little and downplay how bad I got mentally, but I know that I need to get this all out in order to move on. She’s crying, sobbing, and gasping for air by the time I finish.
“My God, Dee!” She grabs me and pulls me in tight again, crying into the crook of my neck. “I’m so, so sorry. I’ve been so wrapped up with Axel, Nate, and life that I’ve been a terrible friend.”
“No, Iz. You haven’t been a terrible friend. You’ve just had other priorities, and I never blamed you, not once. Please, don’t think that. I didn’t tell you this to make you upset. I told you this because, without letting it out, I will never be able to move on. I want to move on. I’m ready to fight for my happiness now, and I couldn’t do that with this between us, even if you didn’t know it was there.” I’m so proud of myself for getting that out without a single tear. I hate seeing Izzy upset, but knowing that I’m strong enough to get through that, and to let her know how hard the last few years have been, gives me a feeling of peace that I didn’t have before. I’m one step closer to being healed, and it makes me feel like a whole new person.
“I don’t know how you can ever forgive me for not seeing how much pain you were in,” she whispers, staring off into the yard.
“Izzy, that’s easy. There isn’t anything to forgive. I love you.”
She gives me a smile, wipes her eyes again with her shirt, and reaches out to hug me again.
“Please, tell me there isn’t anything else?”
“There isn’t. I know it’s not easy to hear, but thank you for listening. You have no idea how scared I’ve been to tell you all of that.”
She leans up and gives me a weak smile. “Don’t keep things from me again. I understand where your head was in keeping that to yourself, but don’t do that again. You’re one of the most important people in my life, Dee, and I don’t ever want you to think there’s something you can’t tell me.”
“I know that now. It’s taken me a lot of really expensive doctor appointments to really understand that, though. I’m done hiding and keeping parts of myself from those that love me.”