He puts the plates down and walks over from where he was setting the table. I don’t move. I continue to hold the marble countertop as if my life depends on it, afraid that if I remove my hands, even for a second, that I might shred the clothes straight from his body.
I don’t feel him at first, but I know he’s standing directly behind me. I can feel him, and his body heat warming my back. I fight the urge to turn and throw myself at him. When his hand moves my hair off my shoulder, and his lips press lightly against my exposed neck, my body trembles violently.
“I want you so bad, Beck.” The desperation in my voice causes my cheeks to heat, and I drop my head, annoyed with my body for its shamelessness.
“And I want you right back just as much, so don’t think this isn’t hard on me, too. I’m not going anywhere, Dee. You might think you’re ready, and I have no doubt that your body is, but I want it all. Mind, body, soul, and heart. I promise you that when we finally get there, it’s going to be worth the wait. When you open yourself up to me completely… Baby, you won’t even believe how good it’s going to be.” He nibbles softly across my neck before backing away and picking up the plates he’d abandoned. It takes me longer to calm the heat in my body.
I understand where he’s coming from, but it’s harder to explain to my overactive hormones that we need to put the brakes on it. The last time I had him inside of me was another moment of weakness, and even though it was mind-blowing, as always, it still left me unsatisfied because I ran off in the middle of the night. Six months is a long time to crave someone else. I pause in my tracks when the very vivid images of him with someone else come floating through my mind. I don’t know why it never occurred to me that he could have been with anyone else, but now that the thought has popped in my head, there is no erasing it. My stomach cramps with the idea of him and some faceless woman.
“Beck?” He turns with a frown marring his handsome face, cocking his brow in question. I gulp, trying to calm my emotions. “I have no right to ask this, I know I don’t, but… has there been someone… um, anyone else?” I whisper the question, but I know he hears me because his face goes soft.
His lips curl into a small smile and his eyes darken. “Are you jealous?”
I glare at him when his teasing tone hits me.
“Don’t poke fun at me, Beck. I know that I have no right to even be bothered by the thought, much less question you on it. I pushed you away and I get it, I do. But… I just want to know. I need to know.”
He doesn’t walk over to me, and I appreciate that he’s giving me some space here. My mind is a jumbled mess of questions. On one hand, I know without a doubt that this is where I’m meant to be. I don’t fear that he will change anymore, but I’m still afraid of the unknown. I know now that this is normal with any relationship, but it’s still there. Knowing that I’ve pushed this man away for so long, regardless of what I’ve had going on in my head, is what kills me. I wouldn’t even fault him if there had been someone else.
“Look at me, Dee, and I mean really look at me.” He gives me a second, and I just look into his eyes, waiting for his next words. “The day your drunk ass went on and on about how chocolate is better than sex, you had me hooked. It was never a question of whether or not you were it for me. I knew. You might have pushed me away physically, but I didn’t really go anywhere, and if you think about it long enough, you know I didn’t leave you. Even if we hadn’t had the handful of nights together during all this time apart, there was no way I would have even been able to get it up for another woman. Not when my heart has always been yours. So no, Dee, there hasn’t been anyone else, and there won’t be anyone else. This is the longest we’ve ever gone without falling into each other, and I can wait as long as it takes for your head to catch up with your heart.” He smiles and it isn’t a smile of sadness. It’s one of acceptance. And right then and there, I know without a doubt that I don’t deserve this man, but I’ll fight like hell to be worthy of the love he’s offering.
“For what it’s worth, it’s only been you for me, too.” I echo his words back at him. His smile gets even bigger before he finishes setting the table.