“I understand that. We’ve got all night. Jules is good. She’s complaining about some class she’s taking. Keeps going on and on about how she shouldn’t have waited until she was twenty-eight to go back and get her degree. She’ll figure it out though. She says mom wants to come down, especially when she found out you had been hurt. Don’t worry, I bought us some time.” His smile gets big when he talks about his family. He’s so lucky to have come from such a loving family. Even without having a father around, there was never a lack of love in his life.
“I would love to see them again.” I don’t think I realized how true that statement was until just now. Even though I’ve only met Julie in person, I have talked to the other ladies in his life a few times when he was teaching his mother how to FaceTime.
“I would love that, too.” I lean back into him, and we both sit here for a few minutes in a comfortable silence. He takes a few deep pulls on his beer, and I spend the time figuring out how to start this chat.
“I’m really not sure that there is a real easy way to start with this one. I suppose it would be really easy to take the cheap way out and just give you my journals that Dr. Maxwell made me keep.” A nervous giggle bubbles up before I can squash it. “Okay. Let’s just start with my father.”
He sits there and gives me the silence I need, his thumb slowly rubbing against my bare shoulder.
“The first time my father ever hit me, I was five and had forgotten to make my bed. That was also the first time of many that he told me that he wished I had never been born. It wasn’t easy living with my parents. My mother was just as nasty as he was, except her words were her weapon of choice. I learned real early in life that I would be better off keeping my head down and making sure I did everything they wanted.” I steal a glance at him and can tell he’s pissed, but holding it in so I can finish.
“I won’t lie and pretend that there was much good about my childhood. I had one nanny that gave me as much love as she could, but when she was caught sneaking Barbies in for me to play with, my parents fired her. I’ll skip all the sordid details, but whatever you’re imagining is probably spot on.”
His hand flexes slightly on my shoulder, but when I look over, he nods tensely for me to continue.
“I know that my father is the seed that started my fear of men and growing relationships. There wasn’t a single relationship that I had that wasn’t a way for someone to get closer to my father and family money. That helped that belief that men do nothing but change after they get what they want. Dr. Maxwell says that since I hadn’t had any positive male relationships until my twenties and my friendship with Greg, that it makes sense that I have some asinine belief that all men will change.” I shift my body so I can look into his eyes. I need to see him and make sure he understands this next part. “Please know that I see this now. I really do. I know that I was projecting my fears onto you, but they were so deeply integrated that I don’t think I would have been able to just shut them off, and you have no idea how sorry I am for that.”
He smiles sadly and takes my hands in his. “I know that, Baby. I never doubted that you were fighting something beyond your control.”
“God, I don’t deserve your understanding.”
“Hey, stop that. Don’t doubt your self-worth, not with me.” His tone leaves no room for argument and I nod my head.
“I’m learning that. Sometimes I feel like I’m completely lost because I have no idea what I’m doing here, but I can tell you aren’t like them. It’s just taken me a while. I shouldn’t have ever lumped you in with them.”
“Dee, we can only ever go off what we know, and you hadn’t ever seen anything that would make you believe that I wasn’t like those assholes.”
I sit there for a few more beats, gathering my strength for the next part. “Did I ever tell you that I was the one that introduced Brandon and Izzy?”
His eyes widen before he shakes his head.
“Yeah, that was me. I set up my best friend with the man who almost took her from me. I always wondered what would have happened if I hadn’t ever set them up. Until recently, it was nothing but guilt that would eat at me, but Izzy helped me realize that it wasn’t anything I could have known. I understand that now, but it isn’t any easier.”
“I really thought that he was one of the good guys.” I laugh weakly. “What a fool I was.”
He takes my hands again and waits for me to continue. “It took about a year into their marriage for me to realize how wrong I had been. She started pulling away and I saw less and less of her. I didn’t give up though; I kept calling and trying to come around. I think it had been a good week of my constant calls before it happened. I know I was being a pain in the ass, but I just wanted to talk to Izzy.”
I don’t realize I have zoned out until his hand squeezes mine almost painfully. I look up from where I’ve been staring at our hands. I have to close my eyes when I see the pain in his eyes. He knows this is about to get really ugly.
“It’s okay, Dee. I’m listening.”
“Are you sure you want to know the rest?”