‘Lovely idea. Perhaps we can have a few biscuits with it?’
‘Of course. Whatever you want.’ She stands up and power walks across the lounge, her face frozen into a smile.
I look down at Cory after she’s left the room. ‘Well,’ I say lightly, causing him to crane his neck in order to look up at me. ‘If being crazy makes Nanny get up off her arse, it’s not all been for nothing after all.’
The shrill ring of the landline makes me jump. From the kitchen, I hear the distinct sound of the lid from the biscuit tin clatter onto the countertop, followed by a stream of muffled swear words. Tamzin is obviously as nervous as I am, but for an entirely different reason. Despite trying my best to make light of it, it does hurt me that my normally feisty mother-in-law has been reduced to a quivering wreck because of me. I know she has never fully understood my mental illness, and I don’t blame her for it, but it hurts none the less. Does she really believe I’m a danger to her?
As the ringing continues, I chew the side of my tongue, unsure of whether or not to answer it. It’s strange for anybody to ring the landline instead of my mobile, especially given the fact that it’s Boxing Day, meaning most of the call centres will be closed for Christmas.
‘Are you getting that, Louisa?’ Tamzin’s voice drifts through the open doorway, accompanied by the rattle of the boiled kettle.
‘Yeah, sure.’ Heaving myself up, I make my way over towards it. ‘Hello.’
A heavy silence fills my ears. ‘Hello?’ I try again, this time more of a question than a statement. When I am yet again greeted with silence, I cut the call and put the phone back into its holster.
‘Here you are,’ says Tamzin, a moment later, as she enters the room. She is carrying a mug of tea in each hand and a plate of biscuits are balancing in the gap between her forearm and chest. ‘A lovely cup of tea and a ginger nut. Oh my God!’ she shouts, almost dropping the tea.
‘What!?’
‘I wasn’t having a dig with the ginger-nut thing. Honestly, they were the only ones in the cupboard.’ Her face turns crimson. ‘Not that you’re nutty or anything but…’
‘Its fine,’ I interrupt, sighing relief. ‘Bloody hell, Tamzin, I thought something was wrong then.’
‘Who was on the phone anyway?’ she asks, changing the subject.
‘I don’t know.’ I turn around and look out of the window, as if the answer might be waiting for me beyond the windowpane. ‘It was silent when I answered.’
‘Probably a sales call. I was thinking I might nip to the shops after this, if you don’t mind.’
Through the window’s reflection I watch as she gently eases herself down on the sofa, placing my cup of tea and the biscuits onto the coffee table. ‘Where to?’ I ask.
‘You haven’t got much milk left and I thought I could make a casserole for your tea, save you the bother, what with you not feeling well.’ She looks down at her feet.
‘That would be nice. Thank you.’ I turn back around to face her, making sure it is actually my bone-idle, mouthy mother-in-law talking and not some complete stranger.
‘And I’ll take Cory with me. To give him a bit of fresh air.’
Anger bites at my insides. It’s obvious she doesn’t trust me to be alone with my own son. ‘You go by all means but you’re not taking Cory.’
Her eyebrows knit together into a frown. ‘Why not?’
‘Because it’s not safe.’
‘I don’t understand. What isn’t safe?’
It’s obvious from her expression that James hasn’t told her about my fears regarding Cory, which is understandable really, given that James believes I’m stark raving mad. Although Tamzin is being worryingly nice to me, I don’t want the responsibility of telling her about Cory’s true parentage. Besides, surely a revelation so life-changing ought to come from James himself? It’s definitely going to hit her hard and I can’t single-handedly deal with her reaction in my current state of mind.
‘No reason,’ I reply at last, hiding my lie behind my hand.
‘Well, why can’t I take him then?’ Defiance flits across her face.
I look down at my watch, desperately trying to think of a plausible excuse.’ He’s due a feed at two.’
‘It’s only twelve. I’ll nip to the shop and we’ll have a leisurely stroll back along The Groves.’ The Groves is a picturesque riverside walk situated less than a mile from my house. ‘Why don’t you come with us? Might do you good.’
The thought of stepping outside the door fills me with dread; this morning’s antidepressant yet again has left me exhausted, although luckily not quite as ill as yesterday. ‘I can’t. I’ve got too much to do here,’ I lie.
‘Well, can I? With Cory? Please.’
Her sudden polite, almost shy, plea, knocks me off balance. She must believe I really have lost the plot to be so uncharacteristically nice. ‘Fine,’ I find myself saying. ‘But don’t walk anywhere unless you’re surrounded by people.’
She looks at me oddly, but doesn’t comment further.
Five minutes after Tamzin leaves the house with Cory, the phone rings yet again, causing my mouth to fill with saliva. I make my way over towards it, am almost upon it when it abruptly stops. I look out of the window, see a man walk past on the street just beyond my garden fence, the wind blowing his ginger hair up and off his face, a mobile phone glued to his ear. Recognition floods through me, my stomach tightening. I run out of the lounge into the hallway and towards the front door where I fight with the key in the lock, my fingers turning to jelly. A blast of cold air hits me head-on as I finally open it. I pelt down the garden, ignoring the sharp gravel which embeds itself into my bare feet. ‘Come back,’ I shout, having reached the street. ‘Come back now!’
The man stops in his tracks and looks back at me, his facial features too far away for me to make out his expression. ‘What’s up?’
I walk towards him, panic drying the inside of my mouth. ‘It’s you, isn’t it? Don’t try and deny it. I know it’s you.’
‘I don’t know what you’re talking about.’ For every step I take forward he takes one back. ‘Louisa, isn’t it?’
‘How do you know my name? You were never supposed to know it! We were anonymous!’ Fat tears roll down my cheeks. ‘You can’t have Cory. He’s mine and James’s. You knew what you signed up for.’
‘Louisa, please.’ He swallows hard, his Adam’s apple straining against his throat. ‘Do you want me to call your husband?’
‘Don’t you ring my husband! You’re not worthy of speaking to him. You’re half the man he is.’
‘Sean, what’s happening?’
I flick my gaze over the road to where a lady is standing at her garden gate, a boy of about nine cowering by her side.
‘She just started going crazy,’ replies the man, before turning away from me and practically running across the road.
It’s then that I realise where I know him from. He’s my neighbour! The guy I’ve let on to for many years in passing. Embarrassment heats my cheeks.
‘Are you all right, Louisa? Do you want to come inside for a hot drink? Where’s your baby?’ His wife has started to make her way across the road towards me, her smiling face and umpteen questions making me dizzy. I shake my head, slowly backing away from her. I don’t know how they know my name. I don’t know them, not really. Has James been talking to them about me? Has he told them to keep an eye on me?
Turning on my heel, I run back towards my house, their confused stares burning into the back of my skull.