‘What? What have I done?’
‘I took him from you last night. He was crying. It seemed to go on for ever. I came downstairs to check everything was all right.’ He shakes his head, as if the memory is too painful to remember. ‘I found you sitting with him on the floor in the kitchen, staring at the back door. It was scary, really weird, like something out of a horror film.’ He rakes his hands through his hair, his dark eyelashes laden with tears. ‘You said you were a guard, that the donor would be there at any moment. Cory’s hands and feet were freezing cold, he was hungry.’
‘So where is he now?’ I ask, James’s version of events somehow ringing true. I remember now that I bolted the front door and watched the back like a hawk, terrified that the donor or Annette were about to break in and steel Cory. But I don’t remember Cory being with me.
‘Is that all you’ve got to say? Everything I’ve just told you and that’s all you can ask me?’
‘I just want to protect Cory. That’s all I want.’ My voice is small, my nakedness adding to the embarrassment that wraps itself around me. ‘James, please. Where’s my baby?’
‘He’s asleep in the spare room. I fed him last night and he fell asleep on my chest. Didn’t want to disturb him by coming to get the Moses basket.’
I shake my head. ‘It’s dangerous to let him sleep on you. Supposing you rolled over on top of him?’
‘I don’t think you should be giving parental advice, Louisa.’ His words are like a stab to the heart. ‘Look, you know I’m back on nights tonight, don’t you? I would stay home longer but it’s Christmas and you know how busy it is at Christmas.’
‘You can’t leave me,’ I say, panicking. ‘Not while the keys are missing. Anybody could break in. We need to get the locks changed.’
James closes his eyes and pinches the bridge of his nose, as if suddenly exasperated. ‘Nobody is going to break in. I’ll look for them later. And nobody is coming to change the locks on Boxing Day so you can forget that one.’
‘But…’
‘But nothing,’ he snaps, startling me. ‘Look, if we don’t find them today then maybe tomorrow we’ll get the locks changed, even if it’s just to put your mind at rest. I need to nip out in an hour or so but when I come back I’ll look for them.’
‘But where are you going?’
‘Just out, Louisa!’ he shouts, every muscle in his face clenched. ‘To clear my head, to think about all of this.’ He holds out his hands in front of him. ‘I need to decide what the best course of action is.’
‘But I don’t know what you mean.’ I shrink further into myself, my knees hunched up into my chest. ‘Are you saying you need to think about what to do with me?’
James looks down at the floor, his eyes alive with a thousand thoughts. ‘I think it might be for the best if you went into hospital for a little while. Doctor Roberts gave me an emergency number to call if things deteriorated. I’m just trying…’
‘No, I’m begging you,’ I interrupt, my lips trembling under the weight of my words. ‘I’m not mentally ill. It’s just the tablets. You said yourself. You said I just needed time to adjust.’ Fat tears roll down my cheeks as I realise just how close I am to being sectioned. ‘Please don’t ring anybody, James.’
He sighs, his own eyes red and swollen. ‘I have to think of Cory. He’s my priority now. Look,’ he continues after a moment’s silence, ‘I’ve rung Mum and Dad. They’re coming back from David’s now. Mum said David’s wife made a crap Christmas dinner anyway.’ He attempts to laugh but it falls just short of being genuine. ‘Dad’s offered to take me out for a few hours. And I’ve decided to come clean with him, about everything.’
‘About the donor?’
‘About everything,’ he reiterates, looking me directly in the eye. ‘It’s all the secrets and lies which have got us into this mess and I know I’m partly to blame for that.’ He nods his head, as if convincing himself of the truth. ‘Mum has offered to stay here with you. And also sleep over tonight while I’m at work.’
‘No.’ I shake my head, fear giving way to anger. ‘I don’t need a bloody babysitter.’
‘Well, it’s either that or I’m ringing the mental health team, Lou. Take your pick.’
I am saved from answering by Cory’s ear-splitting cry.
‘So how batty are we actually talking, James? Do I need to carry protection?’
‘Mum, please, don’t be ridiculous. She’s really fragile right now. Just be gentle with her, will you?’
‘Of course I’ll be gentle, when am I ever not? But we’ve all seen Misery, James. At least it’s not snowing any more, I suppose.’
‘Dad, tell her, for God’s sake.’
‘Tamz, stop being bloody ridiculous.’
‘Well, shall we come up with a codeword just in case? Something festive. How about crackers?’
Their heavy whispers drift down the hallway and through the crack in the closed lounge door to where I’m curled up on the sofa, my still-wet hair dripping onto my creased T-shirt.
After the fiasco of this morning, James insisted I had a shower and got dressed, perhaps believing the hot water would wash away the demons inside my soul. Either that, or he’d noticed the stained underwear which lay abandoned at the foot of the bed, the sickly stench of piss sticking to the fusty air. The powerful spray from the shower lacerated my skin as I stood underneath it with the temperature dial turned up as far as it would go, intent on burning away my inner suffering. My thoughts yo-yo’d backwards and forwards, one moment utterly convinced that somebody was intent on taking Cory, and in the next breath sure I had suffered a mental breakdown. Salty tears ran down my face, mixing with the scalding water from the shower. I hoped and prayed I was in the midst of a breakdown. Because even if it meant me being carted away to be sectioned, at least Cory would be safe.
The door taps opens and Tamzin’s head pokes through the slender gap. ‘Hello, Louisa,’ she gulps, her eyes flitting around the room. ‘May I enter? It’s your mother-in-law, Tamzin.’
I roll my eyes. ‘Yes, you may enter.’ If the situation weren’t so serious it would almost be laughable.
Gingerly, Tamzin makes her way over to the armchair and sits down on its edge. Behind her, the open curtains reveal another bleak day, the sky the colour of iron. ‘Ahh, would you just look at him,’ she says, her eyes resting on Cory who is lying on the floor underneath his multisensory Jungle Gym. ‘Getting bigger by the day.’
‘He sure is,’ I say, saddened by how grown-up he looks in his denim jeans and Baby Converse, his freshly washed hair parted and swept over to the side. I hate the thought that I’m missing his first few weeks of life, that I’ll always look back on this time with sadness and regret. It’s almost unbelievable to think he’s three weeks old today. It seems like only yesterday I pushed him into the world, all the fear and worry I’d carried throughout my pregnancy melting away as I gazed into his eyes, his bare skin against mine like a defibrillator which restarted my broken heart.
‘Lou, Mum, we’re going to shoot off now. We won’t be too long. Have you got everything you need?’
I look over at James who is standing in the open doorway pulling on his coat. Doug is behind him, partially obscured by James. ‘Yes, we’re fine. Hello, Doug, have a nice time.’ Nervousness fizzes inside my stomach, knowing that if James manages to hold on to his nerve and tell his dad about Cory’s donor, a ‘nice time’ will definitely not be on the cards.
‘All right, Louisa, love?’ Doug shouts back at me, his customary greeting somewhat off kilter.
A few moments later, when the front door slams shut, a heavy silence rests in the air. Tamzin seems suddenly mesmerised by her fingernails, her cocksure demeanour deflating like a burst balloon. ‘Are you all right?’ I ask her, bemused by her obvious discomfort.
‘Great,’ she replies, refusing to look up and meet my eye. ‘I think I’ll make us a nice cup of tea.’