He laughs but it’s clear he doesn’t find it in the slightest bit funny. ‘This just gets better and better.’
‘But it just seemed so odd. How can you be almost ready to drop and not know? And her stomach didn’t even look like a bump, it was just…’
‘Just what?’
‘Just fat!’
He slumps into the soft back of the sofa cushion and rubs his forehead. ‘Have you actually heard yourself? First I’m knocking off your best mate and buying her charms of happy families. Then, in the next breath, you’re accusing your other friend of making up a pregnancy. It was only a few days ago you were adamant the sperm donor had come back to kidnap Cory. You’re stark raving mad, do you know that?’
His words are like a slap around the face, made worse by the fact that they are probably true. ‘It’s these tablets,’ I cry, unable to control myself any longer. ‘I’m exhausted, my skin is burning, my face is scalding and all my thoughts are jumbled up. I can’t seem to make sense of anything!’
‘No, Louisa,’ he says, shaking his head. ‘That’s not the tablets. That’s you. That has always been you!’
‘But you love me anyway. You’ll always look after me,’ I say, repeating back his own promise, suddenly vulnerable, unsure of the marriage we have tried so hard to build.
He tips the whiskey down his throat in one swift manoeuvre, his eyes burning with an emotion I can’t quite place. ‘I’m not sure if I can any more, Lou. I can’t protect you from yourself!’
CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT
Louisa
Now
‘Shhh, come to me. We can be a family. The three of us together.’
I blink up at his wide grin, his teeth a little wonky. Flaming red hair hangs over one eye like a patch, the visible eye reflecting a familiar soul.
He reaches out towards me, his fingers soft as they slide through my silky hair, fingering the naked skin behind my ear.
I try to move but a force pins me down into the sofa, my knees glued together. ‘Where are we going?’ I ask, not recognising my own voice.
‘Away,’ he whispers, leaning in to me so our noses are almost touching. ‘I have our son… he is waiting for us on the other side.’
‘The other side of where?’
He sniggers, his eyes disappearing into the folds of his face. ‘A place we can all be together.’
‘But I don’t know you, not really.’ A scream surges up into my mouth but disperses as it passes over my lips. ‘Where’s James? I want my husband.’
‘He doesn’t want you,’ he laughs, his hot spittle practically blinding me. ‘You gave birth to my child, how could your husband ever want to look at you again?’
‘I don’t believe you,’ I shout, thrashing around underneath his weight, my muscles like dead weights.
‘Look if you don’t believe me.’
I crane my neck, follow his stare to where James is standing at the open door, fiery anger blazing in his eyes.
‘Help me,’ I plead, choking on my own words.
James shakes his head… before silently walking away.
‘See,’ says Aiden, his fingers caressing the side of my cheek. ‘I told you nobody could ever love you as much as me.’
I sit bolt upright, my heart hammering a frantic beat against my chest. The flickering television turns the room a cobalt blue, the volume set to mute. My hair is soaking wet, my scalp a burning fire of pain. ‘James?’ I cry out into the darkness, the traffic outside making shadow puppets on the curtains. I have to tell him about the dream, about Aiden. I have to tell him like I should have done all along.
James’s heavy footsteps pound down the hallway. I turn, desperate to see him and yet at the same time suddenly afraid. He appears at the doorway, his eyes boring into mine. ‘Where have you put the set of keys that were in the back door?’
‘I haven’t had them.’ I push myself up, a blinding pain shooting through my head. ‘What’s happened? Where’s Cory?’
‘Asleep.’ He crosses the room and sits down on the armchair opposite. ‘You fell asleep so I bathed him and got him settled.’
I check the time on my watch. 11.10 p.m. ‘Why didn’t you wake me? He’ll be awake again soon for another feed.’
He shrugs. ‘Thought you needed the rest. Go up to bed and I’ll see to the night feeds. Don’t forget to take your tablet though.’
‘What were you saying about the key?’ I shuffle around on the sofa, my full bladder causing me great discomfort. I obviously need to go to the toilet but my legs feel too weak to stand.
‘I went to lock up and my keys aren’t there,’ says James through a sigh. ‘I’m sure they were in the back door earlier today. Have you moved them?’
I shake my head, panic quickly working its way into a frenzy. ‘The door was open earlier. That’s what I was saying. Somebody must have taken your key!’
‘Don’t start all that again.’ His tone verges on boredom. ‘You probably moved them without thinking.’
‘No!’ I shout, not caring how crazy I sound. ‘I never touched your keys. I didn’t do it!’
‘Just like you never sent that email or smoked them cigarettes?’
‘Well, I’m telling you I didn’t.’
‘I probably did then. It’s hardly surprising I can’t remember what I’m doing, what with all this stress. Seriously, Lou, you need to sort yourself out. None of this is good for Cory.’
‘Don’t tell me what’s good for my son!’ I seethe, the anger inside of me seeping into every word.
‘Oh, your son is it now? I wondered how long it would be before you played that card.’
I feel my face crumple. ‘James, please… I didn’t mean it like that.’
‘Didn’t you?’ he shouts into my ear as he storms past. ‘Because it sounded pretty clear to me.’
‘Where are you going now?’
‘To bed. I’ll be sleeping in the spare room. I’ll leave you and your son to it.’
As he slams the door shut… I feel a warm sensation between my legs.
CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE
Louisa
Now
‘Louisa, open this door now!’
James’s voice, accompanied by the sharp rattling of the bedroom door handle, wakes me. A sickly stench of urine sticks to the warm air as I peel open my eyes. I glance down at myself, realise I’m naked. A quick glance over towards the partially opened curtains reveals a patchy, blue sky.
The memories of yesterday begin to slot themselves together: Christmas lunch, Annette’s pregnancy, the charm bracelet… and then what?
‘I need to get dressed, Louisa. Why the hell have you barricaded the door shut?’ A heavy thud connects with something solid to the side of me. I follow the source of the sound to where the bedroom door connects with a heavy set of drawers. ‘Let me in now!’
‘Okay, I’m coming.’ My voice sticks to the sides of my throat. Taking a deep breath, I try to remember what happened when James went to bed last night. I know he was angry with me but I can’t remember why. I sat alone in the darkness for what felt like hours, the ticking of the clock like a beating heart, its slow pulse marking the passing of time. Memories I’d rather forget looped round and round in my mind. I was desperate to tell James about Aiden, to confess to him what happened all those years ago. I knew I never would though, knew that, for all my inner promises, I’d take my secret to the grave.
The floor is icy on my bare feet as I step out of bed, my legs practically buckling beneath me. Not remembering when Cory last woke up for a feed, I peer into his Moses basket, my eyes adjusting to the dimness of the bedroom. Feeling a scream surge up into my throat, I clasp my hand over my mouth, my eyes unwilling to accept what I’m seeing.
‘James!’ I don’t recognise the sound which impales the air, am hardly aware of the deafening bang which sends the drawers flying towards me or James’s heavy bulk as he scrambles up and over them like some kind of primate.
‘What’s the matter? What’s wrong?’ He wraps himself around me, his hot breath in my face as I writhe around in his arms, fighting to be free.
‘Cory,’ I scream. ‘Cory’s gone!’
James throws me off him, a distressed, almost demented laugh rising from the pit of his stomach. ‘You really don’t remember, do you? You really have lost it.’