‘Look, I’m really not feeling very well,’ I admit as another wave of heat burns my skin. ‘I’m sorry but I think we’ll have to celebrate some other time.’
‘I think that’s for the best,’ says James. ‘Ron, take the bottle with you. Call it an early christening present.’
Ten minutes later, I lean against the hallway wall as our guests leave one by one. Annette has a face like thunder but Ron seems delighted with his free bottle of champagne. He clutches it tightly to his chest like he’s nursing a newborn baby. ‘I’m sorry about this,’ says James, his voice floating just out of reach. ‘I think the tablets have really knocked her sideways. We’ll catch up in the New Year.’
Helen, like me, appears grateful that the day has been cut short. She kisses me on the cheek as she passes. ‘If you need to talk, call me.’ She slips a folded-up piece of paper into my palm which I assume is her phone number.
‘Bye, honey, and thanks for earlier.’ Magda leans in and hugs me tightly before I have a chance to reply to Helen. I grip the tops of her arms for support, feeling like I’m going to faint at any moment. ‘Stay strong, Lou,’ she whispers into my ear. ‘This will all be a distant memory before you know it.’
A moment later, I join James at the front door as everybody makes their way down the gravelled driveway. The cold temperature is almost a blessing, the fine rain feeling as good as a freezing shower on a summer’s day. The porch light illuminates the garden, its intense glare reflecting back a bright array of colour as the raindrops rest themselves on the roof of our car and the iron fence. ‘Bye,’ I shout into the night sky, relieved as everybody starts to pile into Annette and Ron’s BMW.
‘Bye, sweetie,’ shouts Magda back at me, lifting up her arm to wave. The porch light catches hold of the silver charm bracelet around her wrist… its glare almost blinding.
CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX
Louisa
Then
I fucking hate Aiden!
It’s now exactly one week since we kissed and ever since that night he’s treated me like I don’t even exist. I hate him; hate the way he flirts with Stacey when he thinks I’m not looking, hate how he mucks around with the lads, laughing and joking with them like he’s their pal. I’m going to run away! I’m going to run away and I’m never coming back to this stinking dump! I was stupid, stupid and pathetic to ever believe that somebody like him could be interested in somebody like me. I’m a loser, always have been and always will be.
I pull my Groovy Chick quilt cover over my head, another fucking joke! How can I ever expect Aiden to take me seriously when I’m forced to have bedding like this? My pillowcase is already wet with tears, the smell of gunpowder wafting in through the window making me choke. Aiden is letting off fireworks with the kids, but I refuse to join in. Let’s see how he likes being ignored!
It’s New Year’s Eve and I thought this New Year was full of promise. But it isn’t going to be, is it? It’s going to be shit just like all the rest.
‘How come you didn’t stay downstairs to watch the millennium in with us?’ The sound of Aiden’s voice causes my insides to tighten and for a moment I’m certain I’m hearing voices again. I keep my face buried in my pillowcase, not daring to look for fear he’ll disappear in a puff of smoke. I think he’s over by my door, his voice too far away for him to be inside my room. I can smell him, his scent rolling my stomach over and over until I think I’m going to explode. Who am I kidding? I don’t hate him. I love him. I love him so much!
‘Lou, Lou.’ His hand rests on the small of my back, my skin burning even though my pyjama top and the thick quilt are acting as a barrier between us. I didn’t hear him come over, he must have tiptoed or something.
‘What do you want, Aiden?’ My voice is muffled by the pillow. I want to turn around, but he can’t see I’ve been crying. Mum always used to say that if you gave a man an inch they’d take a mile. God, Aiden could take a whole kilometre and I wouldn’t mind. But no, I have to stay strong. Weak girls get shat all over, something else Mum used to say. ‘I don’t want to speak to you,’ I say, hoping to God he doesn’t take me at my word. ‘You’ve hardly spoken to me since Christmas Day. You’re always too busy mucking about with the boys or flirting with that slapper Stacey.’
Aiden rubs my back, causing every muscle in my body to tense. ‘Louisa, look at me, please.’
I shake my head, hating myself even more for not bothering to put on any make-up today. If I turn around with my eyes this puffy and my nose covered in snot he’s going to bolt right out of the door. ‘Just leave me, please.’
‘I’ll never leave you.’ His fingers are suddenly in my hair, his breath so close I can feel it.
I turn to face him, peer up at him, sure I’m somehow dreaming. ‘Do you really mean that?’
He blows out a small smile. ‘Isn’t that what I promised?’
I heave myself up, bring my knees up against my chest. ‘But why should I believe you? That night we kissed…’ I swallow hard before continuing, ignoring Aiden’s hand gesture to keep my voice down. ‘That night you said I was special. But obviously you were talking shit. Do that kind of thing to all the young girls, do you?’
A flash of anger sweeps across his face and I instantly know I have said the wrong thing. I flinch, now more convinced than ever that he’s about to leave me for good.
‘I had to keep my distance from you,’ he whispers, his gentle tone surprising. ‘Do you realise how bad this would look if it ever got out? The other staff, they’d never understand.’
I nod. Of course I do. But I would never tell. Surely he understands that?
He leans in further towards me, so close that I can smell the residue from the fireworks mixed with rainwater on his clothes. I regret not watching the fireworks with the others in the garden now. Last year Sandy never would have allowed us to have fireworks, and I can’t help but feel guilty that I’ve thrown Aiden’s special treat back in his face. I’ve got it all wrong, haven’t I? He wasn’t purposefully ignoring me. He was scared, scared I couldn’t be trusted!
‘And anyway,’ he continues, ‘it’s not like I bought the others a Christmas present, is it?’ His stare is so intense heat spreads across my skin, almost as if I’m bathing in stinging nettles.
‘I know. I’m sorry.’
‘That’s all right.’ He closes his eyes, as if he’s about to cry. ‘It’s killed me to keep my distance, you have no idea. I’ve been so worried that you’re going to tell somebody about the night we kissed. I have to know I can trust you one hundred per cent. If I can’t trust you then I have to walk away from this and we’ll never see each other again.’ He stops for breath. ‘And that would really break my heart.’
‘Mine too.’ I reach out to him, grabbing hold of the sleeve of his jumper. The very idea that he could up and leave like everybody else causes a physical pain to push down on my chest, its weight crushing. ‘Please, Aiden, I need you, don’t leave me.’
‘So I can trust you? You’re grown-up enough to keep this to yourself and not blabbermouth to your mates like a stupid, immature girl?’
I open my mouth to reply but my words are stuck. So I nod. I nod so much I make myself dizzy.
‘Good girl.’ His shoulders relax and he flicks his eyes over to the open doorway which is ajar. ‘I’m going to close the door, okay? So we can have some privacy.’
A rush of excitement ripples through me. He’s going to kiss me again, I know it. I quickly wipe the snot away from my nose.
He closes the door and makes his way back over to me, his eyes burning holes into mine. ‘I love you, Loulou. You know that, don’t you?’