Where the Memories Lie

 

I’m too busy biting back the tears to laugh at those words Rose has added. Beloved Daughter? I wonder again what Katie meant in her letter about them knowing what they did. Had Jack really sexually abused her, or had she been talking about the neglect?

 

I suppose I will never know now. Some of the secrets Katie had have been buried with her.

 

I want to tell her something. Say a big speech that expresses everything I’m feeling, but I don’t know how to say it all. And words are sorely inadequate. In the end, I crouch down in front of the plaque, touch my fingertips to my lips and then press them against the cool metal.

 

Goodbye, Katie. I’m sorry. So, so sorry.

 

288

 

Where the Memories Lie

 

I rise and go inside. There are no friends of Tom’s sitting in the pews. He’d lost touch with some when the Alzheimer’s began, and the few who were left have either died or probably want to distance themselves from what he’s done. There are some employees of Tate Construction here, and I nod to them as they look at me with sympathy.

 

Anna starts crying. I hold her close to me, stroking her hair.

 

Ethan sits rigid on the other side of Anna. Nadia is on the opposite end of the pew. Tears stream silently down her face.

 

One of Lucas’s arms is around her, one protectively round Charlotte who is dry-eyed but pale. I wonder how long it will be before her hair begins falling out. Nadia has already bought her a selection of wigs.

 

I don’t even hear the vicar’s words as he speaks about Tom. I’m too busy wondering if I’m going to regret my decision. When I hear him call my name to give one of Tom’s eulogies, I jump with a start.

 

I look at Ethan over the top of Anna’s head. He looks back, eyes glistening. Finally, he gives me an encouraging half smile. I stand up and walk towards the lectern at the front of the room. I have it all written down on a folded-up piece of paper in my pocket, but in the end I don’t need it. I’ve been over this so many times in my head that I know off by heart what I have to say I take a calming breath, trying to release the flutters in my chest. Then I begin.

 

‘Tom was an amazing man. He would do anything for anybody. Nothing was ever too much trouble. Even if he was rushed off his feet, he’d make time for you. He was compassionate and kind-hearted and lived to see us all happy and contented. He was loyal to a fault. If you told him a secret, it would never be repeated.’

 

My gaze strays to Nadia. She fidgets with the neck of her black dress. ‘He single-handedly raised his family with dedication and devotion. He was driven and focused but still knew how to have 289

 

Sibel Hodge

 

fun. Family meant everything to Tom. Like any parent, he would always do what was necessary to protect them from harm.’

 

Anna sniffs loudly. Ethan hands her a tissue.

 

‘If he had to make a choice, he would even die for his own family.’

 

Nadia wipes her eyes with a soggy, balled-up tissue.

 

‘Today we say goodbye to a loving, generous and kind man.

 

A man who is probably looking down on us now and making sure we’re taking care of each other. A man who takes his secrets to his grave.’ I look up and meet Nadia’s eyes. The message to her is clear.

 

Her lips curve slightly in a strained, grateful smile as her hand flutters towards her mouth.

 

‘Goodbye, Tom. We love you, and you’ll always be in our hearts.’ I step down and take my place next to Anna and Ethan.

 

I will keep the secret Tom desperately wanted to hang on to.

 

The one he thought would protect his family forever, until the Alzheimer’s made it impossible to stay hidden. It’s my final gift to him. My goodbye. I will hide the truth to save Nadia, and in turn save all of us. Some mistakes you just can’t take back.