Where the Memories Lie

 

 

‘But you said she’d go into remission. That means she’ll survive.’

 

‘She could do, but she could also . . . die.’ I wanted to sugar-coat it but at the same time I wanted to be honest. I didn’t believe in lying. Anna was old enough to know the truth. And what I didn’t tell her she’d only google, anyway.

 

She burst into tears. ‘Everyone’s dying around me.’

 

‘Come on, now, Anna.’ I blinked back my own tears. ‘You need to be a strong girl for Charlotte. We all need to be strong for her.’

 

‘You’ll die soon, too. And Dad. And what if I’m left on my own?’ She wiped her snotty nose with the sleeve of her T-shirt.

 

‘We’re not going to die.’

 

‘How do you know? You don’t know anything. You said that the other day and now Charlotte could die!’

 

I wished I had the magic answer to make everything better, but last time I consulted the perfect parents’ handbook there must’ve been some pages missing. The truth was, I didn’t know what to say.

 

‘Well, if I do die, I’ll come back as your stepmum so I can still look after you.’

 

‘Oh, don’t be so stupid!’ She jumped up and stomped away from me.

 

Right. So obviously I shouldn’t have said that, then. Magic answer still sadly lacking. I leaped up and rushed after her. Poppy, 238

 

Where the Memories Lie thinking this was all good fun, ran along in between us, getting beneath my feet, almost tripping me up.

 

‘Come back here, Anna!’ I expected her to ignore me but she didn’t.

 

She stopped abruptly, as if she’d hit an invisible brick wall. By the time she turned around I’d caught up. Her eyes were downcast and teary. She ignored Poppy nuzzling into her hand for a stroke.

 

‘Sometimes in life we have to put other people first.’ I bent my knees a little so I was in her sightline. ‘We’re upset and scared about Charlotte, but we have to put that aside and be here for her right now. And Lucas and Nadia. And that means giving them space and moving back into our house. We’ll sell the barn when we can, but I need you to be a big, strong girl and help us out, OK?’

 

‘But Katie’s in there.’

 

‘She’s not, darling.’ I pressed my fingertips to my eyelids, trying to keep the tears inside. If I started, I didn’t think I’d be able to stop.

 

I dropped my hands and took hold of hers. ‘The police took her away. There’s nothing left. She’s not there.’

 

‘Her ghost is still there.’

 

‘Darling, we’ve had this conversation.’

 

‘I don’t care – it’s still there!’ She stamped her foot. I felt like doing the same. If only it would solve everything. ‘And Granddad killed her!’ she yelled the last part at me. I glanced around to see if anyone had overheard, then thought What did it matter? Everyone in the village probably knew by now, anyway.

 

‘We’re not going to be there for long – just until we can sell it, like I said. And we don’t know that Granddad did have anything to do with her death yet.’ I tried to hold on to that thought, like I’d been trying to all this time, and yet I was still struggling with it. ‘It might’ve been an accident for all we know,’ I said lamely.

 

‘In the meantime, we have to leave them all be and let them get through this traumatic time as best they can. We can visit Charlotte 239

 

Sibel Hodge

 

whenever she wants to see us, but we can’t stay in their house. It’s not fair of us to burden them with how we’re feeling when they have to cope with her illness.’

 

She sullenly stared down, kicking at pebbles with her feet.

 

‘Can I go with her for her treatment? Hold her hand and keep her company?’