Where the Memories Lie

 

‘Come into my office.’ I took Charlotte’s hand and we all walked along the corridor. I sat her down in a chair and crouched in front of her, clasping her hands. ‘Do you want something to drink?’

 

Charlotte shook her head vaguely.

 

‘I’m so sorry, sweetheart.’

 

‘Doctor Palmer said the results are highly suggestive of leukaemia,’ Nadia said. ‘But that doesn’t mean it’s certain, does it?

 

It could be just a mix-up, couldn’t it?’ She shook her head violently.

 

Lucas took a deep breath, blinking rapidly up at the ceiling, trying to be strong and hold it together.

 

‘No, I don’t believe it.’ Nadia carried on with her denial. ‘The tests must be wrong.’

 

I gave her a pained smile, digging my nails into my palm hard to stop myself crying. ‘I’m sure Doctor Palmer explained that the blast cells shouldn’t be there. The oncologist will take some bone marrow samples to examine, but I’d say it was almost certain. I’m so, so sorry.’

 

Tears fell from Charlotte’s cheeks, dropping onto her dress.

 

‘There’s a high chance of remission.’ I rubbed her tears away as Nadia carried on shaking her head, unable to take it in. ‘That’s what you need to concentrate on, Charlotte.’

 

‘Doctor Palmer talked about chemo. Or possibly stem cell treatment,’ Lucas said, rubbing Charlotte’s back.

 

‘Yes, the oncologist will be able to give you more information at your appointment tomorrow, but I think you’ve caught this early and you’re going to respond well to treatment.’ I forced a bright, positive smile at Charlotte.

 

‘God, why didn’t I take her for a blood test sooner?’ Nadia muttered. ‘It’s all my fault. All my fault. I thought it was just a virus.

 

That she was tired from all her exam revision. I thought—’

 

‘You can’t blame yourself,’ I said lamely, knowing that every parent in the same position would find a way to blame themselves 234

 

Where the Memories Lie for something like this. I was a nurse and even I hadn’t put her symptoms together sooner. I was equally to blame. ‘The paediatric oncologist in Dorchester has got a great reputation. It’s likely she’ll do the bone marrow aspiration and biopsy tomorrow at your consultation, to speed things up. Look, I think I should get out of your hair so you can have some private time alone to prepare for the appointment. Anna and Ethan and I should move back home.’

 

‘Anna really doesn’t want to go home. It’ll upset her,’ Nadia said.

 

I wanted to hug her. Even in the midst of her own crisis she was still thinking about others.

 

‘We can’t stay with you forever. And besides, you need to . . .

 

you know, we’re not going to impose right now. I’ll phone Ethan and tell him to come back to ours when he’s finished his planning meeting. We were going to move back after the weekend, anyway.

 

You just do what you need to do.’

 

We all walked back to their house together in silence, trying to make sense of something so awful, each of us lost in our own worrying thoughts.

 

I left them in the kitchen and went up the stairs to Charlotte’s room where Anna was still watching a DVD. She lay on her stomach on the carpet. At least she’d bothered to get dressed, which was an improvement. But the room smelled of unwashed kids and curry-flavoured crisps.

 

I bit back the tears, blinking fast, holding off the point when I couldn’t control them any longer. I managed to force a smile but it felt as if my face was about to crack. ‘Hi.’

 

She ignored me for a moment, engrossed in Norbit. I don’t know why; she’d watched it at least twenty times ? could even recite the words.

 

‘Oh, hi,’ Anna finally said without looking at me.

 

‘Anna, I need to talk to you.’

 

235

 

Sibel Hodge

 

‘Yeah, this will be finished in about half an hour. There’s a really funny bit coming up.’

 

‘No, I mean now.’

 

‘Huh?’ Her gaze didn’t stray my way.

 

‘NOW!’ I said.