Trouble is a Friend of Mine

‘Boss? This is your job?’ I said.

‘Would you feel better if I said this was my hobby? Yeah, this is my job. Not everyone’s on the double-dip divorce allowance money train.’

‘I can’t even fight with you right now. This place is too much. I don’t feel good.’ I didn’t. My head was swimming. In that moment, I realized how important it was for me to get out of River Heights if I didn’t want to spend the next two years as a social outcast.

‘Your lips are white. You going to pass out?’ Digby took off his costume’s head. Underneath, he was still wearing his suit. He took my hand in his paw, dragged me into a Ye Olde Tea and Crumpets Shoppe kind of place, and sat me down at a little wrought iron table.

‘Can I get you guys something to drink?’ The cashier’s name tag said: HELLO, I’M CHAD.

‘Not me. You, Princeton?’ Digby said.

‘I don’t drink tea,’ I said.

‘Nothing for us,’ Digby said. ‘We’re just going to sit awhile.’

‘Dude.’ Chad threw up his hands in a give-me-a-break way.

To which Digby replied with a wave around the totally empty store. ‘Dude. Seriously?’

Chad thought about it, gave up thinking about it, and pulled out his phone. ‘Whatever, dude.’ Chad walked into the back.

‘So, what’s the matter with you?’ Digby took a dish of cut-up scone samples from the counter and started plowing through them.

‘Even the food court’s so …’ I said. ‘… cliquey.’

‘Look, you don’t even want to hang out with these people. I mean, if there were a show about the average River Heights life, it’d come on between 16 and Pregnant and Extreme Hoarders. Be glad you don’t belong here.’

‘So where do I belong? Because it wasn’t easy making friends at my last school. It’s a dumb metaphor, but I’m sick of being the weirdo book channel show only serial killers watch.’

‘No, Princeton, you’re HBO all the way. Most people think it’s depressing and pretentious, but the fans are real fans. They pay ten extra bucks a month for the original programming. Also the sex.’

‘Sex? That’s Cinemax. Or, as Mom calls it, Skinemax.’

‘Right. Sloane is Cinemax,’ Digby said. ‘Bless her.’

‘It’s weird to hear you say that while you’re wearing a tutu.’

‘I’m not wearing the tutu. The bear is. I’m wearing the bear.’

‘As usual, the logic is bulletproof. What’s the deal with the costume anyway?’

‘I get minimum wage handing out flyers for the Make-Ur-Bear place, but this costume is awesome. It’s basically an invisibility cloak.’

‘What do you need an invisibility cloak for?’

‘Watch.’ Digby dropped the teddy bear head back on and worked the costume. He clumsy tippy-toe danced from the tea shop back into the food court. He pirouetted a guy’s soda off his tray. He threw flyers up in the air. He was incredibly disruptive.

I didn’t understand what he meant by the invisibility cloak comment, because everyone totally noticed him. Kids threw food at him and fries dangled off his fur.

Then I saw who was sitting at the table he was bothering.

Digby was doing pelvic thrusts for Ezekiel, who was sitting with Schell. Digby was right about the teddy bear outfit being an invisibility cloak. They had no idea.

Unfortunately, I didn’t have a teddy bear costume and I’d have to pass Ezekiel and Schell’s table if I wanted to leave the mall. Living across the street had been stressful enough, and the only reason I was even sleeping at night was that his Amazonian overlord seemed to have him under control. But now, seeing him sharing a basket of fries with the guy who shot at me …

It didn’t occur to me at the time that I could’ve waited them out and that they probably wouldn’t murder me in the middle of the mall. I just wanted to get the hell out of there.

‘Is there a back door?’

Chad gave me a dimwitted stare. ‘Well … yeah … but …’

That’s all I needed to hear. I ran past him into the back. I didn’t care that the door was clearly labeled NOT AN EXIT. I didn’t care it said ALARM WILL SOUND. I went through it and ran until I caught the bus two stops past the mall. I heard the mall’s screaming alarm for blocks.

On the bus, I was so paranoid, I didn’t realize I was staring at some random old dude sitting near me until he said, ‘Please stop that. You’re making me nervous.’

Whatever. He looked like he had something to hide.

I felt like someone was behind every bush on the way home, waiting to jump me. I was never this scared in the city.

I got home and collapsed into bed. At eleven-something that night, my phone woke me up.

‘Hey, where’d you go?’ Digby said.

‘You ass. What if they saw me? Unlike you, my face wasn’t hidden,’ I said. ‘I went out the back.’

‘You’re the one who set off the alarm?’ Digby laughed. ‘Then stay away from the tea place for a while. They got fined a thousand bucks for that false alarm.’