Trouble is a Friend of Mine

‘It’ll come up,’ Digby said.

‘It’ll come up? How exactly?’ I said.

‘I don’t know exactly. I’ll bring it up. Casually,’ Digby said.

‘Casually bring it up? That’s the plan? That’s not a good plan. That’s not even really a plan,’ I said. ‘That’s like a daydream of how you want this to go.’

‘She’s right. That’s not a good plan,’ Henry said.

‘See, this is the problem with democracy. Everyone thinks they have a better way to do everything,’ Digby said.

‘What if they think the police sent us?’ I said.

‘We’ll tell them we aren’t with the cops. They know it’d be entrapment if we were and lied about it,’ Digby said.

‘Even I know that’s a myth. It’s right up there with not getting pregnant if you do it standing up,’ I said.

‘That’s a myth?!’ Henry said.

‘Somebody needs to have The Talk with you. Like, immediately. Yeah, it’s a myth,’ I said. ‘To clarify, she can get pregnant even if you’re standing up.’

‘On the bright side,’ Digby said, ‘now you can take a load off.’

‘Not to change the subject or anything, but, Digby,’ I said, ‘is this the first time you’ve done this?’

‘Listen to you. Don’t tell me you’ve scored drugs before,’ Digby said.

‘Of course not, but we lived by the park and I’ve at least seen deals before. In person. Not just on TV,’ I said. ‘From what I remember, there wasn’t much talking and, now I’m thinking about it, the whole thing was over fast. When exactly would you ask your questions?’

Digby was stumped.

We’d been standing by the door, arguing, this entire time. The door opened, sucking air into the shed in a whoosh. The outward gust of smoky air from inside that followed was a punch to the lungs. Only Henry was uncool enough to cough and fan his hand in front of his face. It’s the kind of gesture that’s only acceptable when you’re a handsome QB.

‘You kids in or out?’ A super-tiny Asian woman was at the door. She was wearing a pink T-shirt with KITTEN written in glitter across the front. It was as likely to have come from the kids’ section as a stripper’s closet.

Kitten pointed to a huge gorilla-looking guy with a tiny head and giant Hellboy arms except he had two, not just one, Hands of Doom. ‘You’re making Alistair nervous.’

‘You’re making me nervous,’ Alistair said.

‘Well? In or out?’ Kitten said.

‘Definitely in.’ Digby stepped into the shed.

We walked to the back while Alistair took up his post by the door.

‘So?’ Kitten stared at us, smoking a joint.

‘So, uh, we’d like to buy some …’ Digby said.

‘Some …?’ she said.

‘Uh … what would you recommend?’ Digby said.

Kitten blew out a stream of smoke in a laugh. ‘You’re either the saddest noobs I’ve ever seen or the River Heights Police Department’s sunk to an all-time low. This ain’t no Jump Street, is it?’

‘Jump Street? No,’ Digby said.

‘Because if you were …’ Kitten gestured at Alistair. ‘I don’t keep him around for his pretty face, you know.’

‘We’re not,’ Digby said.

Kitten looked at us hard and decided to take a chance. She offered us a bong.

Now that we didn’t expect. We stood there like dummies.

‘Now?’ Digby said.

‘After that Atlanta bar raid thing, my lawyer advised me to always use with new clients. Just to make sure,’ Kitten said.

A couple of uncomfortable moments went by. Kitten hardened with suspicion again. Finally, Digby took the bong. Watching him about to take a hit, every crazy story I’d ever heard flashed through my head.

What Andy Recton’s brother thought was BC bud was actually Mexican schwag laced with so much PCP, he scratched the skin off his neck because he hallucinated bedbugs running around underneath.

Sharon Thomas ate magic mushrooms at a party she went to while visiting her cousin in college in Madison, and ground her teeth until three snapped and broke off.

Nate Remedios smoked purple-y leaves from Thailand some girl gave his friend, and ended up in the hospital because his blood stopped absorbing oxygen.

The moral of these stories was the same. Never do drugs if you don’t know exactly where they came from and if you don’t totally trust the person giving them to you. Point being, I didn’t know where this bong weed came from and I didn’t trust the lady giving it to us.

Digby’s lips were already on the bong when I yelled, ‘Stop!’

Everything froze. Alistair leaned forward. For a second, while suspicion built in his mind, he actually looked intelligent.

‘We have a desk appearance. In two weeks. My lawyer said there’d be a urine test,’ I said.

At the mention of ‘my lawyer’, Kitten relaxed. She had a lawyer, I had a lawyer: we were in the same club. Alistair backed down.

‘Desk appearance, huh? So what’re you doing here, then?’ she said.

I realized I hadn’t thought it through.