I felt alone too.
I longed for Sebastian to come through the door with an apple or a bowl of strawberries.
The hours ticked by, and he didn’t. I began to feel desperate. Something about Kai’s letter brought the entire last year crashing down on me, and I could no longer sit in here by myself.
Should I go to Miriam? She was dear to me.
I didn’t want Miriam’s company tonight. I wanted Sebastian’s.
Rising from the bed, I put on my dressing robe and left the room. I went down the passage to the curve, to Sebastian’s room. I’d never slept in there but didn’t think he’d mind me coming to him this once. He understood loneliness better than he liked to let on.
Upon reaching his door, I almost knocked and then decided not to. He never knocked on mine, and at this hour, he may already be asleep. I could just slip in beside him. He’d understand, and he’d wake up enough to hold me.
Quietly, I cracked the door and opened it halfway.
A candle lantern glowed on the top of a table. Perhaps he wasn’t asleep. My gazed shifted to the bed as I saw movement there, and I went still. Two entwined forms moved slowly together on the bed. Tightly muscled shoulders and arms glistened with sweat.
Sebastian lay above Daveed, gripping Daveed’s head with both hands. His open mouth pressed against Daveed’s in a way that was urgent and hungry and sensual all at the same time.
I couldn’t move.
Daveed must have seen or sensed something because his head turned toward me.
An instant later, Sebastian looked over and saw me there in the doorway.
“Megan!”
He jumped off Daveed, grabbed a blanket, and wrapped it around his waist. Then he came toward me so fast I back-stepped into the wall across the passage. His face was close to mine as his body held me there against the wall.
“What are you doing here?” he demanded.
Was this the wrong that had been committed tonight? I’d gone up the passage to a room where I should not?
I couldn’t answer, and he seemed to realize the absurdity of the question.
“May I go to my own room?” I asked, shaking from the revelation of what I’d seen.
He stepped back. “Go. We’ll talk tomorrow.”
“Yes, tomorrow.”
By morning, I was a different person. I grew up that night. For over a year, I’d believed that Sebastian and I were married and he loved me and that he practiced a different type of marriage.
None of this was true.
Yes, I had chosen him, but he hadn’t chosen me. All this time, he’d been in love with someone else, someone who was not me, and I’d been too blind to see it.
The next morning, he was up early and called me into his study.
There, he leaned down and studied my face.
“It’s gone,” he said.
“What’s gone?”
“That look. The look you always give me as if the sun rises and sets around my head.”
I suppose it was gone. He was in love with someone else, and he’d hidden it. I couldn’t forgive him.
“I’m sorry,” he said.
I didn’t respond. His apology meant little.
In agitation, he put one fist to his mouth and took it away again. “I can’t have this. I can’t have you looking at me like that.”
“What are you saying?”
“I’m saying we can’t live together with you looking at me like that.”
So this was my fault? Would he send me away? Where? Back to my parents? I couldn’t stand the thought.
Walking away to the desk, he said, “We have to solve this.” He turned to face me again. “What if I give you the house in Rennes? It was my mother’s and I own it outright. I could set you up with a monthly stipend for expenses and servants?”
It took a moment for me to grasp what he was offering: my independence. We would remain married, but I’d have my own house and my household, well away from here. Once this sank in, I understood what Kai must have felt upon receiving the offer for his commission.
Then I saw the desperation in Sebastian’s eyes. He wished me gone. He only wanted me here so long as I adored him. This hurt, but I kept my head and took advantage of his need.
“I want the house signed over to me, in my name,” I said, “and I want no monthly stipend that can be cut off. Dip into the money from the silver mines and provide me with enough to support me for life.”
My voice sounded hard, and he stared at me. “Megan . . .”
“Is it a bargain?”
He nodded.
I knew my heart should be breaking, but it wasn’t. Perhaps I was my father’s daughter after all.
Chapter 13
Captain Marcel led the contingent that accompanied my small party to Rennes. Upon depositing us, our guards would return to Volodane Hall directly.
In Rennes, we’d have no need of guards.
Of course, I brought Miriam. I also brought Betty and Cora. I’d not wanted to deprive Sebastian of Ester, but when I made offers to Betty and Cora, they’d both jumped at the chance to come with me.
It was nearly a day’s ride to Rennes, and upon arriving, we found ourselves entering a small city. I’d never been here.
We passed through the gates into a large open-air market, and I immediately had a good feeling about our new home. The streets were clean and as we headed deeper into the city, we passed a mix of shops with brightly colored awnings and well-maintained dwellings.
Seven blocks in, Captain Marcel turned north. Two blocks later he stopped in front of a large house constructed of light-toned stone. The house boasted latticed windows with whitewashed shutters. A mix of ivy vines and white roses climbed up and around the entire front. It reminded me of a smaller version of Chaumont Manor.
“Here we are, my lady,” the captain said.
I wasn’t certain I’d heard him correctly. “This is the house?”
“Yes.”
I dismounted and stood looking up at the windows. I don’t know what I’d expected, but this was . . . more.
Miriam, Cora, and Betty climbed from the back of a wagon that carried our trunks and gazed up as well.
“This is your house, my lady?” Miriam asked.
“No,” I answered firmly. “This is our house, and no one can take it from us.”
We settled in quickly, a household of women.
Miriam no longer functioned as my maid, and she lived as my friend. Cora did the cooking, and Betty did the laundry. Miriam and I helped with the cleaning. The house had a lovely front parlor, and the four of us gathered there in the evenings to sew or read aloud to each other.
Even though Sebastian had been generous with the sum he gave me, we lived simply for the most part. I’d never known the joy of living completely under my own power before. I had lived on the whims of my parents, and then I’d lived to try and please Sebastian.
Now I lived for myself.