“So you want us to be fuck buddies?” Hailey said a little too loudly. I inwardly cringed at how she could’ve come to that erroneous conclusion. Our relationship so far hadn’t screamed, Hey, let’s have a normal dating relationship.
A few moms near us glared at Hailey and her colorful language. I ignored them. “That’s not what I’m saying at all. I want to be with you, Hailey. I want to go to sleep with you curled against me. I want to wake up and the first thing I see is you. I know I don’t have the right to say this because I’m leaving soon, but it’s how I feel.”
I meant every word. But what I didn’t say but meant was that I wanted this for the rest of my life. Only it wasn’t possible with the career I had signed up for. At least not for now.
“I want that too,” she said, the words almost a whisper.
Temporarily forgetting where we were standing, I closed the distance between us and kissed her forehead, the tip of her nose, her lips.
She parted them, and I plunged my tongue into her mouth. I flicked it against hers, a tease of what was still to come, then pulled away. “Maybe we should continue this discussion at home.”
She grinned, understanding what I really meant. The only thing I planned to discuss when we got home was which room she wanted to fuck in.
I threaded my fingers with hers. Her smirk faded to a sad smile. “Have you been to their graves yet?” she asked.
I tugged on my hand, needing to get away from her and this question. But she only held on tighter.
“You should really go there, Nolan.”
“I can’t.” The words came out as a whisper, and I closed my eyes, squeezing the picture of their funeral from my brain.
“I know, but I’ll be there with you. It might help you deal with the nightmares.”
My eyelids flew open and I stared at her. “How did you…?”
“How did I know? I’ve heard you tossing and turning. I’ve heard you call out during the night.” She ran her thumb under my eye. “And it’s obvious you’re not sleeping much. You looked tired when I woke up from the coma, but that was nothing compared to now. Now you look exhausted half the time.” She swallowed. “You weren’t having nightmares in L.A., were you?” When I didn’t answer, she continued, “It’s why you need to either go back to L.A. or face your ghosts. You need to visit your mom and your sister.”
I wanted to make a joke, lighten things, change the direction of the conversation, but a nagging voice told me she was right. I owed it to them. I might have tried to move on with my life, but I’d never forgotten them.
“Okay,” I said. “I’ll go to the cemetery.” I tightened my hold on her hand. “But you promise you’ll come with me?” I looked into her warm brown eyes and saw my pain reflected back at me. “I don’t think I can do this on my own.”
“I promise. As long as you want me, Nolan, you won’t be alone.”
I didn’t know if she meant I wouldn’t be alone when it came to the cemetery or if she meant more than that. Fearing it was the former when I wished for the latter, I didn’t ask.
Despite the heat in the car, cold gripped my body as Hailey pulled into the cemetery parking lot and found a spot. With the engine still running, she wrapped her warm hand around my shaky fist.
“It’s going to be okay, Nolan. No matter what happens in there”—her gaze flicked to the cemetery entrance—“it will be okay.”
I took in the ornate black metal fence, the tall stone columns on either side of the entrance, and the thick blanket of white beyond that. The memory of my sister and mother being lowered into the ground flashed in my head, and it was like being kneed hard in the gut.
But no matter how much it hurt, no matter how much I’d rather be somewhere else, Hailey was right. I needed to do this.
I nodded, more to myself than to her, and opened the car door. A cold wind chilled me to the core. While I waited for Hailey to join me, I stood frozen, staring at the entrance. I closed my eyes against the memories of my last time here.
At the feel of Hailey’s fingers weaving with mine, I opened my eyes. No rays of sunlight streamed down from the heavens, guiding me to their final resting spot. No signs whispered to me that my mom and sister were happy I’d come back to visit. All that greeted me was the heavy gray sky. “I don’t even remember where they are.”
“I do,” she said.
Guilt wrapped around me tightly, squeezing the air out of me. Hailey had been here at least once since the funeral, while I’d stayed away like a coward.
She led the way to the two graves. My father wasn’t buried here. After what he had done, after all those years of abuse and secrets, I’d refused to have his remains anywhere near theirs. I had no idea where he was buried and I didn’t care. All I knew was that his parents had claimed his body. He wasn’t sharing the same sacred grounds with the people I loved.
A fresh bouquet of red and white flowers rested against a tombstone. Christmas colors. My sister’s favorite time of year.
My steps faltered. “I don’t even have flowers.”
“They won’t care about that.”