I could go back to my life.
It should come as a relief, like a toxin had been removed from my bloodstream. But instead of feeling joyful, I felt something else entirely.
Pain.
6
London
Joseph called me. “How’s it going?”
“Good.” I tucked the phone between my ear and shoulder as I carried the grocery bags to the counter. I left the front door wide open because I didn’t have enough hands. “I just picked up a few things to make dinner.”
“Ooh…like what?”
“Nothing fancy. Grilled cheese and rice pilaf.”
“Uh…those don’t go together.”
“Then you obviously haven’t tried it. It’s delicious.” I walked back to the living room and shut the door. “Where are you now?”
“I shouldn’t say things like that over the phone. But I can tell you I’m in Europe.”
“There’re fifty countries in Europe…that doesn’t narrow it down.”
“That’s the point,” he said with a chuckle. “So you’ve settled in?”
“Yeah. I’m working at the hospital again. I’m part time right now, but one woman is going on maternity leave, so I’m gonna take her position while she’s gone. I’m sure it’ll lead to full-time work eventually.”
“Yeah, probably. You need anything? Money?”
Like he hadn’t given me enough already. “I have plenty. Don’t worry about me.”
“You know I’ll always worry about you.”
“Well, don’t.”
He chuckled again. “So…are you doing alright?” He didn’t ask about Crewe specifically, but that’s who he was referring to.
“I’m fine.” Once Crewe said those words to me, I let him go. I’d never forget what we had and how I felt about him, but I needed to move on. I shouldn’t have to fight that hard to be with someone who wasn’t so innocent. He made mistakes too—plenty. But putting all the blame on me was ridiculous. It didn’t matter how much I loved him. I wasn’t putting up with that shit. “I have a date tonight, actually.”
“Already?” he asked in surprise. “Where did you meet this guy? Please don’t tell me you’re using Tinder. That’s how people get chopped up.”
“I met him at the grocery store just now. We both reached for the last bag of bread, and one thing led to another…”
“So you don’t know anything about him?”
“Other than the fact that he’s cute and eats bread, not really.”
Joseph laughed. “I guess that’s all that matters, right? Well, I’m glad you’re moving on.”
“Yeah. Crewe is too stubborn. I’m not wasting any more time with him.”
“Works for me. Never liked the asshole anyway.”
This time I didn’t defend Crewe. “I feel like we’re always talking about me. What’s new with you?”
“Not much. Just work.”
Work that I didn’t want to know anything about. “Do you have a woman in your life?”
“A few. Nothing serious.”
I could tell by his tone that topic wasn’t up for discussion. “Well, I’ll let you go. I’ve gotta get ready for my date.”
“Wait, you said you were making grilled cheese and rice for dinner. So are you meeting him after that?”
“I was planning on eating that after the date.” After we rolled around in my bed for an hour. The guy was hot, and I needed to get laid. It’d been nearly six weeks, and Crewe already had lovers in his bed. Plus, he was never coming back.
Joseph didn’t pry anymore, probably assuming the worst. “Talk to you later.”
“Bye.”
I met Roy at a sandwich place a few blocks from my house. I picked the place because it was cheap and laid-back. I didn’t like fancy dinners that required an expensive outfit and several courses.
Sandwiches were fine with me.
Roy was cute. I could tell he worked out because he had a nice body. He was a firefighter, which was an extra plus. He was easy to talk to and sweet. In fact, he was too good to be true. It made alarms go off in my head. “Can I ask you something?”
“Sure. What’s up?”
“You’re too good to be true, so what’s your baggage?”
“My baggage?” he asked.
“Did you just get out of a relationship? Divorced? Something like that?”
He smiled despite the awkward question. “Actually, yeah. I just got out of a serious relationship three weeks ago. It’s probably too soon for me to be dating, but I thought you were pretty, and I didn’t want to pass up the opportunity.”
He was super sweet. “Well, that’s flattering. I just got out of a relationship too.” It was nice dating a guy who didn’t know anything about my past. He didn’t stare at me like I was damaged goods—not like the guys my friends set me up with. “So that’s perfect for both of us.”
“Yeah, I guess so.”
We finished our meal and just sat there and talked to each other. I already knew the basics and didn’t need any more information. He clearly was a good guy, not a serial killer. And since we were both in difficult situations, I didn’t feel like I was ruining any potential by being forward. “You wanna come back to my place?” I didn’t beat around the bush because I wanted my message to be clear. I wasn’t inviting him over for a drink or a movie.
I just wanted sex.
His eyes lit up at the question. “Definitely.”
Neither one of us had to work the next morning, so Roy and I slept in. When we both woke up, we made breakfast and then watched morning cartoons like kids. The sex was good, and it was enough to get me off.
It’d been so long that it didn’t take much.
I didn’t think about Crewe because I wouldn’t allow myself to.
It’s not like he thought about me.
Roy hung around for an hour or two, and we got to know each other a little better. I didn’t have any expectations of seeing him again, and I didn’t have a clue what he wanted from me. If this was just a one-time thing, that was perfectly fine.
Roy showered and got dressed before he returned to the living room. “So, you wanna go out again sometime?”
After everything that happened with Crewe, I was just looking for a hookup. It would take me a while before I was in a place to actually fall for someone. Roy probably assumed that, but maybe it needed to be clearer. “I’m not looking for anything serious right now. Honestly, a booty call situation would be perfect.”
When he smiled, he had a dimple in one cheek. “That’s the answer every guy dreams of.”
“Are you one of those guys?”
He shrugged. “I don’t want to get into another relationship either, but I do like you. I think that’s perfect.” He stuck out his hand.
I shook it. “Works for me.”
“Awesome. I guess I’ll see you later.”
“Yeah, sure.” I walked him to the door and gave him a kiss goodbye. “Until then.”
He crossed the threshold then turned around to look at me. “So…would it be too forward if I came by after work?”
“Not at all.” I gave him another kiss before I let him slip through my arms and walk away.
When I walked back into the apartment, I didn’t feel any remorse or guilt. I was moving on with my life, picking up one piece at a time. I would never find anyone who was remotely similar to Crewe, but maybe that was a good thing.
I needed something new.