“Because I was working to pay the mortgage and car payments.”
“I know that, Cash. And I knew it then, but in my head, all I could think about was how badly I missed being adored. You used to come home on Friday nights and lock me in the bedroom all weekend, like you couldn’t get enough of me. But over time, things slowly stopped. At the end, you’d come home, decompress, and as soon as you’d gotten used to being there, you were heading out again. And I’m not saying this is your fault. There were so many other ways I could’ve gone about it, but I didn’t. Instead, I took the cowardly way out and ended up hurting you, someone I loved more than anything.”
Her words actually sank in, something I hadn’t expected. Honestly, I thought I would hear what she had to say, ignore the blame game, and hope there was enough left over to actually offer me something useful. But she’d given me more than that.
“It’s easy to look back and say things would’ve been different if you had a normal career that didn’t take you away from me five days a week, but there’s really no way to know that. We’d never lived together the way most people do, so who’s to say we would’ve even lasted the six years we had?”
When she paused, my chest constricted—not over her words, but what this all meant for Jade and me, and the relationship I’d do anything to have with her.
“If I may, I’d like to say something really quick before I lose the chance…if you are seeing someone, and that’s what made you reach out, don’t let her go. Something changed in our marriage in the last year to year and a half. I don’t know what it was, nor do I think I’ll ever figure it out, but in my opinion, it destroyed us. Maybe it was your job, the long days and weeks spent away from home, or the traveling to and from wherever you went. But you’d spend the weekends recovering, and during that time, I had already felt like I was missing something from my life, and I stupidly allowed myself to search for it without you.”
“Thank you for that.” My voice had nearly vanished, lost in the emotion our conversation filled me with. “And I’m sorry for never giving you the chance to apologize. That was unfair of me to do.”
I didn’t, nor would I ever, regret reaching out to her. She’d given me what I had asked for, and in turn, she had a chance to say what she’d held onto for so long. It was therapeutic in a way for both of us. However, that would change if this conversation progressed much further.
“Take care, Cash. I wish nothing but the best for you.” And with that, our call ended.
I wasn’t sure I’d make it through the first two weeks of suspension, let alone the third. Being at the house alone was miserable. Jade and I had talked every day, which helped ease some of the loneliness, but most of those calls were at night. Last week, I had met Cora and her son, Legend, during one of my walks on the beach. We had heard of each other, yet had never met in person. When she’d asked if I had any kids, I’d hesitated, and it sparked a conversation which led into a lengthy, and somewhat obscure, explanation about my relationship with Jade. It was nice to hear a female’s opinion on the situation. Not to mention, she was right. Jade didn’t need to worry about me while she was taking care of matters with her mother. I just had to be patient and wait for the right time.
I’d offered many times to drive over and help Jade out with Aria, to give Stevie a break, but she was adamantly against it. Every time I’d ask, she’d tell me she had too much going on, and if I were there, she’d feel obligated to spend time with me. No matter how many times I argued that I didn’t need her to fit me into her schedule, she never gave in. And the few times I had asked if she’d thought any more about us, she told me she’d had too much on her mind to figure it out. So, I was stuck at home, alone, basically waiting by the phone for any word from Jade.
Halfway through the third week, just when I didn’t think I’d make it one more day—hell, I worried I wouldn’t last another hour, another minute, barely another second—Jade’s name flashed across my cell. I couldn’t answer it fast enough. Getting a call from her at eleven in the morning alarmed me. Ever since we’d started our daily communications, the earliest I had heard from her was maybe three or four in the afternoon, aside from a text here or there.
“Hey, is everything okay?” I tried to keep the concern out of my tone, but once I heard the pain and anxiety in hers when she whimpered my name, her voice heavy with tears, my body coiled tight. “Jade? Babe, what’s going on? Are you hurt?”
“No, I’m fine.” Her breathing shook and hiccupped while she attempted to control her emotions. “I just needed to hear your voice. I have no clue why I started to cry. I’m sorry for scaring you.” Another shaky inhalation. “Do you have a minute to talk? I don’t care about what, I just need you to take my mind off everything.”
“Babe, I have all the time in the world for you, but I’m going to need you to tell me what has you so upset. I hate being this far away from you and not knowing what’s going on.”
“My mom is being released from the rehab center tomorrow.”
“That’s good news…right?”
“They’re sending her home.” She paused, probably waiting for her words to make sense to me. But they didn’t. When I didn’t respond, she offered more. “She’s going back to her house, which means she’ll need help. I had to tell them I couldn’t and used Aria as my excuse, so she’s being assigned to at-home care.”
“You’re upset because you can’t help?” I was confused. I tried to comprehend, but I worried I’d further upset her. “I think she understands how difficult it would be for you to take on that responsibility with a toddler around.”
“No…it’s not that. I can’t go to that house, Cash. I didn’t want to go there last time, but I needed that book. But now…now it’s even worse. I can’t go back there. I just can’t.” Tears filled her words, and it broke me. My heart had been shattered and my soul completely demolished.
“You don’t have to. She has help, so you’re okay.”
“What if she gets upset that I’m not there?”
I hesitated, aware of how sensitive this topic was for her. Ever since I’d mentioned the idea of using the therapist to help facilitate Jade’s confession, she hadn’t brought it up. And anytime I did, she’d just brush over it like I’d asked about her hairstyle for the day. It’d been a week and a half, and I still didn’t know what was going on. But after hearing her break down on the phone about being at her mom’s house, I realized I couldn’t continue to be passive.