“Have you spoken to Bryn yet? I know you wanted to wait until your mom processed the arrest, but that was almost two weeks ago. You said the other night she was handling it much better, and it had seemed like she wasn’t as angry anymore. So does that mean you’ve brought it up to the therapist?”
“Cash…” This was her way of blowing me off, as if saying “I’m not ready to talk about it.” But I didn’t care, because I was ready. This was the woman I loved more than anything, and it was obvious her secret suffocated her. She needed space, I gave it to her. She asked for time to focus on her mom, I didn’t argue. But if she thought I’d sit back and do nothing while her pain slowly extinguished the light inside of her…she was sadly mistaken.
“Jade…” I said her name the same way she had mine, except where her voice was desperate, pleading, mine was harder, more demanding. “Enough excuses. You can’t wait until she leaves the rehab center, because by then, she’ll be at her house, and it’s clear you don’t want to be there. You’ll end up using that as an excuse to wait until she’s all better. No more waiting, Jade. You’ve held this in for over six years. You deserve to heal as much as your mom does.”
She released a long huff before saying, “You’re right, but I just can’t do it yet. Bryn’s mentioned the idea of incorporating me into their talks, so I plan to bring it up then. This isn’t something I can just blurt out. It’ll kill her, and I can’t handle hurting her right now…not after I finally got her back.”
I understood where she was coming from, not because I’d ever been there before, but because it was easy to see the struggle she faced. It wasn’t an easy decision, and I wished more than anything I could’ve dealt with it all for her. But I couldn’t. All I could do was support her and be there when she needed me.
“You don’t have to do this alone.” I hoped she believed that, but I felt the need to point it out just in case. “If you need me to hold your hand, I’ll be there. If you just need to cry and get it out to shield your mother from your pain, I’ll give you my shoulder, my ear. I’m a phone call away. I could be there in two hours.”
“It’s a three-hour drive, Cash.”
“If you’re going the speed limit.” At least that earned me an unexpected laugh from her. “I’m not advocating that you tell her because I think she should be punished or deserves to feel guilt over what happened to you. I don’t wish that at all. You say you finally got her back, and it’s clear to me she feels the same way about you…but eventually, if you keep this bottled up, unable to even visit her at her house, she’ll lose you all over again. You two will never truly have each other back in your lives for good if you don’t face the reason you were apart to begin with.”
“She just has so much recovery ahead of her, and she doesn’t need any distractions.”
“Why don’t you come home…for the weekend? Take some time for yourself. Bring Aria, and we’ll spend a few days together.” Hope was a cruel emotion. It was like soaring to ten thousand feet, nothing beneath you, and then waiting for the imminent fall.
If you watched the moment hope bloomed inside someone, you’d see their eyes grow a little bit wider, and within them, you’d witness the spark. It was a light that burned in the center of their chest. The corners of their lips would twitch, and their breathing would accelerate just enough to be noticeable but not heard.
If you ever watched the moment when that hope died…you’d witness the light burning out. It wasn’t like a flame at the bottom of a wick. It didn’t slowly fade away. Instead, it was like a switch—on one second, off the next. And all you would be able to see was utter darkness.
I held my breath and waited for her answer, trying to rein in the hope.
“Don’t you go back to work on Monday?” She sounded hesitant.
“Yeah, so? It’s Thursday. We have plenty of time.”
“My mom might get upset if I leave right now.”
More excuses. “She’s going home tomorrow, right? Tell her she needs time to settle in and get used to a new schedule with her therapists and nurses, and you don’t want to be in the way. I don’t care what the fuck you tell her, Jade. You need to take care of yourself, and Aria, too. And if that’s coming here for three days, then you have to do it. Even if you don’t come here, you need to get away. Take a break. Breathe. And stop worrying about things you can’t control. She’s your mom…she’ll understand.”
“Okay,” she whispered.
“Yeah? You’ll come home?” I completely failed at suppressing my excitement.
“For the weekend.” She just had to clarify that part.
“And you’ll bring Aria, too?”
“No, Cash…” The sarcasm hung so heavy in her tone I could’ve almost seen her eyes roll. “I’m going to leave her here with Stevie and Derek. They’ve been talking about getting a puppy, so I figured they could use the practice with my daughter.”
“Good…maybe they’ll train her to stop chewing my shoes.”
Jade was quiet for a moment, as if debating the reality of my comment, and then she laughed. It was the sweetest sound I’d ever heard, and I couldn’t wait to hear it while I held her in my arms.
23
Jade
Cash quietly snored with his cheek resting on my stomach. I ran my fingers through his hair, absorbing all the time I could with him while he slept. We’d been apart for three weeks—aside from the thirty minutes I’d spent with him when I came home for clothes. Having him to talk to at night when I was with my mom had helped lessen how much I’d missed him, although it was never enough. I needed him. Only him. But I hadn’t been in the right frame of mind to make that decision.
I still wasn’t.
Even now, as I stroked his forehead and admired the way the lamp on the table behind me in the living room cast a soft glow over his resting features, I still couldn’t decide what was best. I had a child to think about—a child who loved Cash more than anything. And he loved her, too. I never doubted that. I believed with my whole heart that he’d never hurt me or Aria, but that didn’t help make things any easier. In fact, it made everything that much harder.