I loved him. Unequivocally, without a doubt, no two ways about it…I loved him. And because of that, anytime I thought about his job or what he did while he was gone, it was like I couldn’t breathe. Ironically enough, my panic wasn’t caused by what he did—that brought on a different set of emotions—but rather the chances of something happening that would cause him to never come home to me. I’d watched my mother grieve the loss of my father, and while I was fully aware I couldn’t keep someone from dying, I could choose to walk away from those who frequently put their lives in danger. If I could help it, Aria would never know what it was like to bury a parent—biological or not.
Cash stirred and tightened the hold he had on me with his arms wrapped behind my back. I stilled, worried he’d wake up and my time admiring him would end. Since I hadn’t been able to make up my mind about what I wanted, I didn’t have many opportunities to drown in his presence without him knowing. I refused to let him believe I would stay if I hadn’t decided to, and I couldn’t do that until I had enough time to contemplate it. My mom’s health had taken up so much of my days, and after talking to Cash at night, I’d close my eyes and crash.
Today had been the first time in weeks I’d even had a moment to myself. And it’d been amazing. Cash and I had taken Aria to the beach and actually walked the surf, something I had never done here. Aria pitched a fit because I wouldn’t let her swim—cooler weather had set in and the water was too cold. However, the second Cash had lifted her in his arms, she was the happiest little girl in the world. She had missed him so much she practically glued herself to his leg ever since we arrived earlier today. And he’d missed her just as much, which was his excuse for letting her stay up past bedtime. By nine, I asserted my parental control and made her go to bed.
Then it was just the two of us.
Rather than curl into his side like I had done so many times in the past, I chose one end of the couch after he sat on the other—his usual spot. I could tell it bothered him that I’d added so much space between us, but I hadn’t been ready to go there just yet. Apparently, he wouldn’t let that stop him. With my body turned to face him, my back pressed against the armrest and feet propped on the center cushion, he found his way in…and took it. He’d parted my legs and wrapped his arms around me, fitting into the space between my back and the couch, and made himself comfortable on my stomach. No words were exchanged.
He’d claimed his spot, and I’d let him.
And it’d given me the last hour since he’d fallen asleep to figure out what I wanted. Unfortunately, I’d spent far more time admiring him and pretending we didn’t have such a great divide between us, that I hadn’t given anything else much thought.
Cash stirred again, and this time, he lifted his head, his sleepy gaze finding mine. I ran the tip of my finger along his smooth brow, down his cheek, and to his chin. The love in his eyes was undeniable, and I only hoped he could see it mirrored back at him. I needed him to recognize my feelings without having to utter the words. I knew once that happened, I’d never leave. And I’d spend every week in fear that he’d never return from his job.
“You should probably go to bed,” I whispered while holding his stare.
“I don’t want to. I’ve gone to bed alone for weeks, and I just got you back. I’m not willing to give this up just yet.” His words were scratchy and slow, heavy with sleep. They nearly drove me insane with how sexy they sounded, how rough and masculine they were.
“Well, I can’t stay like this all night.” I tried to laugh, hoping to lighten the mood. “The armrest isn’t terribly comfortable, neither is my posture, and soon, I’ll need to pee.”
“Fine.” He dragged out the word like one would expect a dramatic adolescent to do. “But if I’m exhausted tomorrow, you only have yourself to blame. This is vital sleep you’re keeping me from.”
The instant he pulled away from me, taking his body heat with him, I felt incomplete. Nevertheless, it was something that needed to be done. As much as I loved having him so close, I was well aware of the potential pain it could cause him if I didn’t draw the line in the sand. He continued to tell me he loved me, though I never said it back. And he’d taken to calling me “babe.” I loved the way that sounded, so I’d never asked him to stop.
“Night, babe.” He lingered by his bedroom door, probably expecting me to follow.
But I didn’t. I pulled myself off the couch and headed toward the back hall. “Night, Cash,” I said over my shoulder, hoping it was enough to convince him that his puppy-dog eyes wouldn’t change my mind. I needed to stay strong. I didn’t have a choice.
While using the bathroom before bed, I told myself I needed to figure something out by the end of the weekend. As the warm water rinsed the soap from my hands, I tried to make a mental plan for how I’d spend my time here over the next two days, knowing it could be the last time. And after walking back down the hall toward my room, I realized I may never have the chance to fall asleep in his arms again.
My heart pounded with each step I took across the house. It practically leaped for joy when I twisted the knob to his room. And when I slid through the crack and closed the door behind me, it finally felt healed. The broken pieces had mended, and in that instant, everything felt…right.
He watched me in silence as I stomped around the bed, flung the covers back, and then threw myself onto the mattress. He snickered when I crossed my arms over my chest, sighed, and stared at the ceiling with a solid two feet of space stretched out between us.
“What are you doing, Jade?” Humor danced wildly in his voice.
I could feel his stare burning holes into the side of my face, but I refused to look at him. Walking into his room was like crossing the threshold from reality into the perfect alternate universe. In the darkness, we could be ourselves. No overthinking. No sick mother or dangerous job. We just were.
“You pitched such a fit about having to sleep alone, so I figured I’d come in here so you wouldn’t be so exhausted tomorrow. I’d hate to be the reason you don’t get any rest.” I basked in the sound of his hushed amusement, and as soon as he settled onto his back again, eyes on the ceiling instead of on me, I sat up. “Fine. Have it your way.”
No longer keeping quiet, a barking laugh erupted from his chest when I scooted closer to him. I lifted his arm so I could fit against his side, and with as much attitude as I could muster without cracking a smile, I laid my head on his shoulder and slung my hand across his waist.
“Gosh…you’re so needy.” The complaint would’ve been more convincing if I hadn’t felt the beginnings of an infectious giggle reverberate in my chest. “Just having me in the same room isn’t enough for you. No. You need me draped over your body.” I then pulled my leg up and hooked it over one of his.