“Oh…” I whispered, the wind in my sails falling flat.
He placed his warm palm over my hand and met my stare. “That came out wrong. To me, personally, there’s a big difference between a beautiful woman and someone I’m physically attracted to. With that being said, I find lots of women good looking, ones I would even testify in court as being drop-dead gorgeous, yet I don’t have any desire to be with them romantically—or physically. That’s all I was trying to say.”
Which translated into “I don’t ever think about you naked.”
“No, I totally get it. You went looking for a roommate, not a bed buddy. Sex complicates everything, so it makes complete sense.” I tried my best to shove down the insecurities and ignore the bruise to my self-esteem. He hadn’t said I was ugly, just that he’d never have sex with me—because he had no desire to. “Trust me, I’m the one who had a baby at twenty and now has to care for her all alone. So you don’t have to explain anything to me.”
His eyes shifted between mine as though he tried to read my mind. He did say he was good at reading people, so I only hoped I had been convincing enough. The last thing I wanted to do was make him think I felt rejected, because that would mean I’d thought about sleeping with him.
“Okay…so you met me and realized there was nothing to worry about on that front. But then I told you about Aria and how I didn’t have a job. And still, you offered me a place to stay. Why? Why open your home to a woman who admittedly lied about several things? Someone you had no ties to, no obligations to help? A single mother with no income. I don’t understand your motivation.”
“You needed a place to stay, Jade,” he said quietly, holding my stare as if his answer was the most obvious and I was blind to have not seen it. “You and your baby were sleeping on a couch. You had to pee in a sink—and not just any sink, but in the kitchen, where I’m sure you had no privacy. You needed a room, and I needed a roommate.”
I licked my lips and hesitated, needing the answer to one final question. “Then why are you so against me moving back? If Stevie got a bigger place, I wouldn’t be in the same situation. So really, you shouldn’t have any reason to want me to stay…but you do. What is it?”
His gaze swung once again to the open doorway, but rather than stare off into the distance, he blinked and allowed his posture to practically melt. His smooth forehead relaxed until not one muscle in his entire face strained, betraying the sorrow that danced in his eyes.
“I can’t imagine being here every weekend without Aria.”
12
Cash
She gasped and pulled her hand away to cover her mouth with her fingertips.
I hadn’t meant to say it. I’d tried to make it about her, to say I couldn’t imagine being home on the weekends without her here. But as I allowed myself to picture what it would be like if she left and took Aria with her, my mouth opened and the truth came tumbling out.
“I don’t understand.” Jade’s voice was so soft it was almost inaudible, and when I looked at her to get a better understanding of where she was emotionally, confusion and worry marred her expression.
“She’s like this living, breathing example of all that’s good in life. She’s not ruined by reality yet. To her, there’s no such thing as evil, and I can feel that when she’s around. It makes me wish I could live in her world, the magical place she sees when she opens her eyes. A world where a box of sand is exciting. Where everyone you pass smiles at you, or goes out of their way to make you laugh. What I wouldn’t give to live through her eyes and fall in love every ten seconds with something new.”
“That’s a nice fantasy, but that’s not the reality.”
I couldn’t respond without laying it all out there. Jade had no idea of the world I lived in, the things I had to do to protect kids like Aria. Having her around reminded me that I had a purpose, and at the end of the day, people like me needed angels like her around. We needed to know who we were fighting for. Seeing photos of strangers didn’t prove anything while I sat alone, engulfed in silence. But hearing her voice and watching her smile, seeing her eyes light up in awe, that made it mean something. It was hard to believe you were still one of the good guys if you never saw the face of the people you were protecting.
Luckily, I didn’t have to say anything. Aria chose that moment to inform us that she was done with her nap and ready to join us. Jade slid off the bed, not another word out of her mouth, and left the room. I followed but stopped just outside the door to grab the bag I’d set down when coming home.
Aria ran into the living room while Jade followed behind her at a much slower pace, a new diaper hanging by her side between her fingers. “Come on, Aria. You’re wet. Let’s put on a dry diaper.”
I sat on the couch and called the little tyke over. “I got you a present, but you can only have it if your mommy says it’s okay.”
“Way to put me on the spot.” Jade crossed her arms and stood in the middle of the room, looking like she was ready to take my head off no matter what I grabbed out of the bag.
But Aria jumped up and down, squealing in delight, completely oblivious to her mother’s irritation. I reached into the bag and pulled out a package of toddler underwear, to which she grabbed and held to her chest. I was sure she had no idea what it was, but regardless, she was happy.
“She hasn’t even started potty training yet,” Jade argued.
“I know, but hear me out. While I was gone, I did some research, and from what I found, children do better when they realize what happens if they don’t use a toilet. Right now, she’s used to pissing in that thing.” I pointed to the absorbent pad in Jade’s hand. “Since underwear won’t hold it, it’ll make her start to correlate the sensation of having to go with actually going.”
“Oh, yeah?” She raised her eyebrows in mock question, a smirk toying on her lips. “And what kind of research did you do? Where did you learn all this information, oh wise one?”
I reached into the bag again and held up a magazine.
She apparently found it more humorous than I had. “You bought a parenting magazine?”
“Why not? I seem to fuck up all the time; might as well learn everything I can so you can stop getting mad at me.”
“Is there an article in there about dropping the F-bomb in front of two-year-olds?”
I glanced at the cover before flipping it open, avoiding my fumble with the curse word. “Not sure. But I wouldn’t doubt it. This thing has it all. Breastfeeding, baby shampoo comparisons…oh, and there’s even a page in here that talks about the benefits of organic foods.”
“Yeah…sounds like it has everything.”