“And now, looking at how my life turned out, I can’t help but be mad that my daughter doesn’t have that. I’m sad over the realization that those dreams were nothing but na?ve illusions—a child who had no idea how disappointing reality could be. I want to give Aria the world, and it pisses me off that I can’t even give her a loving father. I can’t even give her a stable home.”
I took a moment to rehearse the words in my head before offering them aloud. “I may be biased, but I think this home is rather stable. And in my opinion, she—like every child—just needs to be loved. It shouldn’t matter who it comes from or what roles those who love her have in her life. You love her, and if that’s all she ever gets, that’s enough. And even though I’ve never met Stevie, I’m pretty sure she loves Aria. Not to mention, that little tyke already has me wrapped around her pinky. And she’s only two. There’s plenty of time for you to find someone to share your life with, someone who’ll love your daughter like she was their own. Hell, when I was your age, I wasn’t even married yet.”
“That’s not very comforting advice coming from someone who’s divorced.” She hadn’t meant it as an insult, and I didn’t take it as one. I could tell by her bright eyes as she looked up at me that she only meant to lighten the mood. “It just sucks that the only man who’s ever shown her any kind of love, whether he feels that way or not, is you.”
I hesitated for a moment, trying to keep from reading too much into it. “Why’s that a bad thing?”
She went back to studying her hand, taking a deep breath before speaking. “It’s not. You’re right…I shouldn’t be picky when it comes to people caring about her. But that won’t stop my hopes and dreams for her to have an amazing dad, one who buys a cartful of junk just because she asked for it and smiled at him.”
My chest constricted and breathing became almost impossible. It was a reaction I wasn’t familiar with. Not anxiety or fear. I didn’t have adrenaline pumping through my veins or endorphins spreading throughout my nervous system. This wasn’t stress. An intense rush of heat filled my chest, confusing me even more. It felt good, but I wasn’t sure why. For someone so in tune with other’s physical reactions toward emotion, I was clueless when it came to my own.
“And that’s the reason why it sucks, Cash.” Her exhale seeped past her moistened lips and bathed me in its warmth, wrapped me in its comfort. “Because you’re not her dad, and you never will be. You’re the guy who lets us live here. And at some point, this arrangement will end.”
I tugged her to me once more and rested my cheek on the top of her head, unwilling to let her see me while I worked through the onslaught of emotions her words left me with. I hated the thought of pulling away from Aria, but I understood the consequences of growing the bond we’d already started. I also wasn’t interested in letting Jade leave, even though I was aware of how much harder it’d be the longer she stayed. I’d already grown attached to them both, for two different reasons, in two different capacities. The only thing I could do was prepare for the worst and hope for the best.
I had to believe that the friendship we nurtured would survive after she was gone.
And that the relationship I’d fallen into with Aria would last a lifetime.
13
Jade
By the third week of living in Cash’s house, things were finally settled.
After that one accident in her new underwear, Aria was basically potty trained. I still wasn’t sure what Cash had done to perform that miracle, but I couldn’t complain. He claimed it was the magazine, and ever since then, he’d grabbed a new one every weekend when he was home. However, she still couldn’t get through the night without the need of a diaper, but Cash said he’d figure it out.
I wondered how long it’d take him to realize those magazines weren’t how-to guides.
In the meantime, we’d installed a baby gate at the entrance to the hallway to keep her from wandering around the house and possibly going outside while I slept. I could no longer close her door at night in the event she woke up and had to use the bathroom. This also created the problem of getting her to go to sleep. As soon as she realized she could get out of her room, she’d make no less than four attempts each night at coming into the living room after bedtime.
On the weekends, Cash took it upon himself to assert his authoritative role. That was laughable. When making her clean up her messes, he’d sit on the floor with her and help. During dinner, he’d back me up when I told her she needed to eat her vegetables, but when I wasn’t looking, he’d eat them for her. He thought he was slick, but I wasn’t blind to what he was doing; I just decided not to call him out on it. And at night, when she’d climb out of bed and try to join us on the couch, he’d take her back to her room and read “one” more story. I didn’t complain because he clearly didn’t mind. In fact, I started to believe he enjoyed his newfound role in our lives.
And then I spent a lot of time denying the emotions those thoughts elicited.
But by the fourth week, I started to go stir-crazy. I loved the freedom I had, but I wasn’t sure I could take one more day of the loneliness that came with living with Cash. I talked to him about it one night on the phone, telling him how I could relate to his feelings of isolation. Even though I had Aria to take care of, I could only do the same things so many times before my daily existence became torturous. He suggested I use the computer to search for jobs on the island. I didn’t care to argue with him, considering he was only trying to help, so I told him I would and dropped it.
The next day, after a particularly horrible tantrum, I used the quiet time during Aria’s nap to browse the local employment opportunities. To my surprise, there were several that would allow me to bring Aria along. As much as I needed something more full time for financial reasons, I was willing to take anything if it meant I didn’t have to continue drawing from my savings. The only thing that helped keep me from spending as much was the couple of times Cash had done the shopping, which ensured we’d have enough food to last a nuclear holocaust—as long as we were happy living off a random hodgepodge of raw vegetables and chocolate pudding.
“So, tell me about your job,” Stevie prodded with excitement ringing in her tone.
I closed the front door behind me and made myself comfortable on the bench seat while watching the waves roll in across the street. Aria was down for her nap, and with her bedroom door left open, I worried she’d hear me talking on the phone and wake up.
“The library on the island has a children’s section, so I will go in twice a week to stock it. I clean and organize the shelves, put the returned books back where they belong, keep the toy section in order. Tuesdays and Thursdays for six hours each day.”
“And you can bring Aria? Wow, Jade. That sounds perfect. How’s the pay?”
“It’s not a lot, but it covers my expenses.”