Confusion filled the void that anger had left behind in his eyes. “That’s what you think?”
Finally able to regain control of my body, I dropped my hands and prepared to leave the room. But first, I explained, “You don’t think I’m sexually attractive. You can’t deny that, because you’ve told me so yourself. So clearly, you didn’t make the first move—you wouldn’t have. I cuddled up next to you, put my arm around you. I’m the one who touched your face. I’m the one who pulled myself into your lap. That’s all me.”
“Jade…” He tried to keep me from leaving the room, but I didn’t give him the chance.
I turned and hurried through the kitchen, not bothering to close the baby gate behind me on my way to my room. The door didn’t close all the way, my fingertips barely connecting with the edge of it while I swung it shut behind me with far less strength than needed to make it latch. But I didn’t care. I needed a moment to collect myself, my thoughts. I sat on the bed, feet crossed beneath me, facing the headboard with my back to the door, and covered my face.
A faint knock alerted me to Cash’s presence, but I didn’t have the strength to say anything. So I kept my back to him and hoped he’d leave. Yet he didn’t. From the doorway, he sighed and then whispered, “I really need you to talk to me, Jade.”
“For the love of God, Cash. There’s nothing to talk about. I’m embarrassed enough as it is, so can we please not do this?” I didn’t mean to sound angry, but it didn’t stop the harsh words from spewing out.
“What the hell…?” It was barely audible, full of pain twisted with confusion.
His feet must’ve glided across the floor, because in less than a second, the mattress dipped behind me. Although, he kept his hands to himself—maybe out of fear, could’ve been due to repulsion. I couldn’t tell.
“Jade, please look at me.”
I turned to face him, realizing in that moment how badly I needed him with me. I had run away from him, tried to shut myself in my room. When he came to my door, I wanted him gone. I was embarrassed for him to see me like this, but I needed him. I needed the comfort only he could offer. And once I had my body twisted around, I finally calmed down, the tremors subsided.
“I have so much to say, but I don’t know where to start.” His eyes held the same trepidation that weighted his tone.
“How about nowhere? There’s nothing to talk about, Cash.”
“You jumped away from me like I was hurting you.”
“Yeah, thanks for the reminder.” As if it wasn’t embarrassing enough the first time, he had to go and bring it up, press me to talk about it. Well, I never talked about it, so little did he know, he didn’t stand a chance.
“Can you at least tell me why?”
I covered my face, hoping to conceal the emotions I knew he’d read in my expression. But he refused to let me hide. He carefully wrapped his thick fingers around my wrists and lowered my hands, and then he waited with the patience of Job until I met his apologetic stare.
“Why what, Cash?”
“Why you ran away from me.”
“I don’t know…I guess I realized what was going on and tried to stop it. But then I almost tripped over the coffee table. It was rather humiliating. I just wanted to get away so I could stop feeling so stupid.”
I’d spent years trying to get my mom to pay attention and ask questions. Yet she never did. Some people had assumed I’d acted out due to repressed anger after losing my dad. Others thought I was just a wayward teen who needed harsher punishments or more supervision. No one saw the signs, no matter how many I’d given. And now, someone recognized it. Cash saw what no one else did.
My prayer had been answered.
Even if it was too late.
His tongue ran along his bottom lip, and his gaze briefly fell to my hands before holding my stare. “Can we discuss the misunderstanding about whether or not I find you attractive?”
“Can we not and say we did?” My cheeks burned as if I were standing in the sun on the hottest day of summer. “I mean…there doesn’t seem to be much of a misunderstanding.”
“But there is, Jade.” His need to explain himself was desperate.
“You don’t have to tell me I’m pretty to make me feel better. That’s not what I’m looking for. You’ve already explained it, and honestly, I’m okay with it. You’ve made it clear from the very beginning that you were only looking for a friend, someone to spend time with on your days off, and that you have no interest in anything romantic. So I’ve never expected anything else.”
Grit filled his voice when he said, “I actually find you very attractive, and that’s not a lie. I’m not saying that to make you feel better, either. You’re beautiful, and to top it off, you’re kind and funny and thoughtful.”
I shook my head, disinterested in hearing his compliments. They would only serve to give me false hope, to make me believe in the impossible. Been there. Done that. The T-shirt was hideous. “You don’t have to explain, Cash. I get it. I already told you that.”
“You do? So you understand the difference between finding you beautiful and wanting to fuck you?” The vulgar question made my head snap up until I met his stare. “I didn’t think so. That’s what I was trying to tell you by saying I wasn’t looking for someone I find sexually attractive.”
“I know.” I nodded, almost too eagerly.
He didn’t seem to believe me, but at least he moved on, ending my embarrassment…for now. “Why do you feel it was your fault that I kissed you? Why did you freak out?”
I waved my hand in the air, gesturing to physical evidence—him, me, the open door that represented what had happened in the living room—that would help prove my next point. “How can you sit here and look me in the eyes while telling me you don’t find me sexually attractive, and then in the next breath, say that kiss was your idea?”
“You kissed me back, and then climbed into my lap…does that mean you want to have sex with me?”
I couldn’t tell him the truth without making our living situation even more awkward than I already had. There was no way I would’ve been able to explain how the sight of his bare chest made my body react in ways I’d never experienced before him. If I did that, it would be a safe assumption to say he’d never walk around without a shirt on again. And if he found out I’d taken notice of—on far more than one occasion—the way his basketball shorts accentuated his dick when he moved, proving he didn’t wear anything beneath them, he’d start changing into jeans after his shower, too.
I wasn’t ready to give up my favorite parts of every weekend.
So…I lied.