“It’s just hard living with someone who doesn’t know anything about kids. You’ve been around her for two days, and she’s already repeating what you say. And it’s not about what you bought, it’s the principle. You can’t give her everything she asks for, unless you’re trying to spoil her and prevent her from understanding the word no. Do you have any idea the predicament you just put me in with her? You’re the good guy. I’m the bad one. I have no income, so I can’t afford pudding and Jell-O. I’ll tell you what you did…next time we go to the store, she’s going to ask for something, and I’m going to have to tell her she can’t have it. Then she’ll cry for you for days because she knows Cash will get it for her. She’ll eventually spend all week begging for you instead of me.”
In an instant, I shifted away from my position against the counter and stepped into her personal space, taking her face in my hands and forcing her to look at me. God, the hint of tears in her eyes gutted me. “She’ll always love you because you’re her mom. When she’s hurt, she’ll cry for you. When she’s scared, it’ll be you she seeks for comfort. No one’s going to replace you. Not me, not Stevie, not the next guy or roommate. No one. Got it?”
She nodded as best as she could with the way I held onto her.
I swiped away the stray tear from her cheek with my thumb, grazing her soft skin. “But if you prefer I not buy her things, then I won’t. Just please, give me rules, lay out the guidelines so I can navigate this better. Show me the boundaries before calling it quits and leaving.”
Her eyelids fell closed with a slight tremble in her lips. “I don’t care if you buy things for her. It’s your money—I can’t tell you how to spend it. I’m just worried, okay?” She blinked up at me and locked her gaze onto mine. “I want to protect her, but I can’t. I don’t have the means to do what’s best for her, and that scares me.”
“What do you mean, Jade? Protect her from what?” My stomach dipped at the possibility of it being a “who,” not a “what,” and then it twisted into tight knots at the thought of her saying me.
She wrapped her thin fingers around my wrists, pulled out of my touch, and stepped away until her back hit the counter behind her. “I can’t talk about this right now.”
I tightened my hands into fists, desperately holding onto what I feared was slipping through my fingers. My only saving grace was the fact I’d been sent home early, which had given me more time with her—to either convince her to stay, or to cherish what I had in the hopes it would get me through a little while longer. I had no idea what I’d do after the memories expired, but I refused to think about that, because I wasn’t ready to give up just yet.
Living with someone else always came with an adjustment period. Hell, moving in with Colleen had felt like the worst idea ever at first. But once you start figuring each other out, it could be the best thing in the world. Having someone there, even in a cocoon of silence, was something most took for granted. I never did, because I knew the darkness that existed without the presence of another person. We weren’t made for isolation. We weren’t designed to live alone and spend our lives without constant companionship. There was a reason for emotions such as happiness and love and serenity, and it wasn’t a coincidence that those came wrapped in a package of flesh and a beating heart. It was a gift. And only the truest form of such emotions was given to us by others, not things. Not money. Not houses or cars or jewels. Be it a pet, a friend, a lover, a child, or a stranger…it was always another living thing that offered them.
And I wouldn’t survive if she took that away.
11
Jade
Cash had left while I unpacked the sacks from the grocery store. I hadn’t meant to make him run off—I only needed a little space to think—but he didn’t hesitate before grabbing his keys off the counter and driving away. Had I thought about it, I would’ve grabbed Aria’s seat from his car, but that had been the last thing on my mind.
Until I tried to leave.
I didn’t have anywhere in particular to go, considering I hadn’t spent much time exploring the island. I just needed to get out of the house. Being there without Cash while he was away at work was one thing, but the stagnant silence that lingered in his abrupt absence after an emotional dispute was something else entirely. Sitting around and waiting for him to come back was torturous.
I’d contemplated shooting him a text, asking where he was and when he planned to return, but I figured that’d only make things worse. I’d prepared myself to use the car seat as an excuse, yet after his reaction to the possibility that I might move back home, there was no doubt that would solidify my decision in his mind—even though I hadn’t made one yet. I still had a lot to think about. One of those things was how simply being around him in person lessened the doubt I had about him.
So after I fed Aria lunch, I decided to head across the street to the beach. She needed a nap, and by pushing it back, I ran the risk of having a very cranky toddler on my hands, but I refused to sit around while she slept. I had picked my battle.
Even though Aria was sleepy, it didn’t stop her from hitting the waves hard. And by the time we made it back to the house, she was completely depleted of energy. It was all I could do to rinse her off and change her clothes before laying her down. Other than asking about Cash once or twice, she hadn’t brought him up or pitched a fit about him not being there, which was a slight miracle. I should’ve worried about her attachment to him, especially since it happened so quickly, but I couldn’t find it in me to feel anything less than blessed that she’d found someone to love. And at least from what I could tell, he was just as fond of her as she was of him.
Thinking back to this morning when she threw herself into his arms, and the way he cradled her to his chest like she was the most precious thing in the world, my heart warmed and grew. It took extreme mental effort to remember where my head was at less than twenty-four hours ago. I had to remind myself of the doubts and questions I’d pondered while going to sleep last night. Part of me thought to make a list so I wouldn’t be able to forget and fall victim to his deception. Yet, another part of me turned that doubt onto myself, wondering if maybe I’d simply painted my own picture of Cash and his intentions just to see what I wanted to. Because if I used my eyes, I saw a decent man with the purest of intentions. If I used my heart, he was kind and giving, asking nothing of me but my company and very little time. Although, if I used my head, things became a jumbled mess until I had no idea what I was looking at.
While Aria napped, I ran a load of laundry, prepared dinner, and exchanged texts with Stevie. I’d told her about this morning, about Cash coming home early, fully aware she wouldn’t play devil’s advocate. But that was the problem with not having many friends in your life—your options of people to turn to when you needed unbiased advice were limited. It was always good to hear arguments from both sides, so only getting one opinion made things more difficult. Yet I trusted Stevie—she didn’t have an ulterior motive when discussing Cash—so I felt confident she’d given me the most solid advice she could.