He begged. He cajoled. He sounded desperate. He told me I was worth more than I thought, yet I couldn’t bring myself to respond.
He was wrong. I was worth nothing. I was a whore. Dirty. Used. I was just an empty vessel.
His words hurt because he was lying.
I wanted to scream. I hated him. Stop lying, please. My heart was aching. It hurt so much. I didn’t bring happiness. I was not light. I was darkness. Nobody cared. I was on my own.
Alessio bent closer and I felt his warmth next to my hand that laid on the bed. His hand was close to mine. So close yet not touching.
“Can I touch you?”
I went rigid. No. He couldn’t touch me. I didn’t think I could bear a man’s touch at that moment. Or anyone’s touch.
It felt like I would crumble and fade away in the air.
Please leave. Please go. Leave me.
I heard him blow out a sharp breath and he stood up, pushing the chair away. He was leaving.
“I just want you to know that you are loved…you matter. To Maddie. To Lena,” Alessio murmured gently.
His words felt like sharp knife against my heart.
Closing my eyes, I gave him only silence. I didn’t say anything. I couldn’t.
His words hurt. I wished they didn’t, but his lies broke my already fractured heart. I trusted him, yet he fed me lies.
As he walked away, his footsteps faded away until I didn’t hear him anymore. When I heard the door close, I sighed and kept my eyes shut.
I rubbed my fingers over the bumpy bandages and my nose tingled as the tears started to form behind my close eyelids. I never thought I would take such a step. I didn’t even remember it happening. I was so lost, so far gone that I didn’t realize what I was doing.
But I remember the silence that I felt when I lost consciousness. It felt nice. Empowering. It felt like I was in charge of my emotions for once. However, I knew it was wrong.
As a single tear slipped down the side of my face, I pulled the covers up under my chin. Turning to my left side, I faced the window but still kept my eyes closed. Swiping the trail of tears away, I sighed and let the tiredness take over my body.
A few minutes later, I was asleep again. And Alessio’s voice never left me.
“You are worth more than you think.”
***
My eyes snapped open and I quickly blinked the sleepiness away when I heard my door open. My body stiffened.
A few seconds later, I felt my bed shift beside me and the scent of rose perfume teased my nose.
Maddie.
I looked up and saw her staring down at me, her face sad. Her eyes were red and puffy and she looked haggard.
“Hey,” she whispered.
“Hey,” I replied softly.
She stared at me silently for a few seconds and then she sniffled. My eyes widened when I saw hers filled with unshed tears.
“Don’t ever do that again,” she said, quickly swiping away the tears that fell down her cheeks.
“Maddie.” My chest felt impossibly tight at the sight of her crying.
“You…know…how hard that was…seeing you like that. Finding you in that state?” She wept.
I closed my eyes as guilt encompassed my heart and body.
“You can’t ever do that again, Ayla. You can’t.”
“I’m sorry.”
Maddie pushed her hair from her face and wiped away the fallen tears.
“Ayla, we can help. You just have to say it. Talk to me. Please. I can’t see you like this. You don’t deserve this. Let us help,” she whispered, her hand slowly moving up so that it was resting on my head. She absently patted my hair, her eyes still on mine. “I’m sorry.”
Sorry? Why was she sorry? I blinked up at her, confused, and she looked away sadly.
“I should have known. I should have noticed, but instead I had let myself believe that you were happy. I should have been there for you.”
“You are wrong.” When I had finally pulled myself in a sitting position, I took Maddie’s hand in mine. “I was happy,” I admitted. “The happiest I had ever been. And you gave me that. You. Lena. Alessio.”
She looked at me, confused, her eyes showing suspicion. She seemed to be trying to find any hints that I was lying. But I wasn’t. They were the truest words I had ever spoken.
Swallowing hard, I grasped at the small bit of determination inside me. “I had a nightmare last night.”
Maybe I could tell her. Not the whole truth. But parts of it. Maybe then she would understand.
“I don’t remember much, but it was horrible. It was bad. It hurt so much,” I whispered. “Even when I woke up, it wouldn’t leave me. I just wanted it to go away. I just wanted silence.”
Her eyes were wide and her mouth was opened in surprise. “Do you have a lot of these nightmares?” she asked gently, her face softening as she regarded me with sorrowful eyes.
I was looking at her, but looking right past her as the images of my nightmares flashed in front of me. “Yes. Most of the time,” I whispered, my voice sounding a little lost. And that was exactly how I felt. Lost. I didn’t know where I belonged anymore. I didn’t know what to feel or want. “I didn’t have them for some time. But last night it came back,” I admitted. The only reason I didn’t get the nightmares was because of Alessio. Because of his jacket. But my peace was snatched away from me.”
“Is there a reason why it stays away and comes back again?” Maddie asked, her tone cautious. Her fingers were wrapped around mine and she was rubbing them soothingly.
Shrugging, I looked away, avoiding eye contact with her. This was my secret. I couldn’t tell her. It sounded pathetic even in my head. I could only imagine how bad it would sound to Maddie.
“Okay,” she said. I was thankful that she didn’t push. “Thank you for telling me.” She squeezed my hand in a comforting manner.
I nodded mutely.
“Ayla, you can always talk to me. I’m here for you. So, whenever you are ready, I will be waiting. I’m not going to push. This is your choice. But know that I am here for you. Not only me, but Mom and Alessio too. And everyone else.” Maddie leaned forward and placed a kiss on my forehead. “There is always light at the end of the dark tunnel,” she whispered before pulling back. Her words took my breath away and the tears stung the back of my eyes again.
“Maddie.” I sniffled.
“Shhh, I’m here,” she said, wrapping her arms around me. I buried my head in her shoulders and cried. I cried for the years of pain that were bestowed upon me. I cried for the painful life that I had to live. I cried at my hopelessness.
And I cried for the kindness that was being shown to me. They were supposed to be my enemies but instead they had showed me more goodness than I had ever seen in my entire life.
“Thank you,” I choked as Maddie rubbed my back soothingly.
“It’s okay. It’s going to be okay. You are going to be okay,” she whispered, her voice soft and filled with compassion.
I didn’t know how much time passed. But by the time my tears had dried, I felt completely drained. But lighter. My heart didn’t hurt as bad and I could breathe better. More calm.