There had to have been a trigger. Rubbing the back of my neck in frustration, I tried to relieve the tension there but it was useless. My muscles were corded and tensed. My head was pounding. My stomach felt sick and my heart hurt.
I was so lost gazing at Ayla’s still form that I almost missed what Sam was saying.
“I’m going to prescribe her an anti-depressant. It won’t treat her PTSD, but for now, it could calm her and make her feel less sad, worried, or on edge. I’m also going to give her sleeping pills. It might keep the nightmares at bay. Just make sure she doesn’t take too many at a time,” Sam said. “I would suggest keeping the pills away from her so that she doesn’t have access to them. One of you should be responsible for giving her the pills at the prescribed time.”
“I’ll do it,” Maddie said.
“Good. She needs to be taken care of. Be gentle.”
Gentle. That wasn’t in our vocabulary. We didn’t know what gentle was.
“Boss. Can I take my leave?” Sam asked after a few minutes of silence.
I nodded without looking away from Ayla.
“Maddie, you should get cleaned up,” I heard Phoenix say behind me.
“Let me change Ayla’s clothing first. She is covered in blood. I will change the bedding too and then I’ll go,” Maddie said.
***
After Maddie demanded we leave the room, we waited outside the door. None of us spoke.
I paced. Each passing minute without Ayla was pure agony. I didn’t like being away from her when she was in this state. The thought made me cringe. All the emotions coursing through my body felt foreign. Ayla was making me lose control.
Fuck, I had already lost control and didn’t even realize it yet. She was deep under my skin. Ayla made my cold, unfeeling heart…feel. I felt pain. I felt sadness. All for her.
Leaning against the wall, I banged my head in defeat and closed my eyes with a sigh.
When I heard the door open, my eyes snapped open and I moved away from the wall. “Did she wake up?” I asked. Maddie shook her head dejectedly.
“I will keep an eye on her,” I said, my voice ringing with finality as I walked inside the room. Closing the door behind me, I moved the wooden chair next to Ayla’s bed and sat down heavily on it.
I had to touch her, to feel her. To make sure that she was really alive, breathing and real. Leaning forward in my chair, I gently rubbed my thumb over her fingers and then moved up to the inside of her wrist that wasn’t covered with the bandages. I stroked the tender skin there and ran my thumb over her steady pulse.
I had learned how to mask my emotions and feelings, yet this woman knew how to change it all. In the short time that I had known her, she made me feel more than I had in twenty-two years.
Pulling my hand away, I ran them through my hair. There was no time for weaknesses. And emotions were definitely a weakness. It would only get me killed.
Sitting down beside Ayla, while waiting for her to wake up, I tried to drill that thought into my brain.
And when she did finally wake up, I had my emotions in check. Schooling my features to be impassive, I straightened in my chair when I saw her shifting in the bed.
Her eyes fluttered open and she stared at the ceiling, confused. I saw her wince and she slowly turned to face me. Her eyes widened and she let out a shocked gasp.
“Good morning,” I said.
“Good…morning…”
“How are you feeling?”
Her forehead creased and she looked deep in thought. “I don’t know. Weird. My head hurts.”
Ayla brought her hand up but she winced again. Her eyes widened at the sight of the bandages wrapped around her arms. She froze, her hand still in the air over her face.
“Do you remember?” I asked, leaning forward.
She was silent for a few seconds and then nodded, slowly and cautiously.
“Ayla, why did you do it?” I tried to keep my voice soft, making sure that I didn’t spook her with my questions.
But she didn’t answer.
She sighed and her hand fell back down on the mattress. Her gaze moved to the ceiling again and she purposely avoided eye contact with me.
“If you don’t talk to us, we can’t help you, Ayla. And we want to help,” I whispered. “Say something,” I begged when she didn’t answer.
It was like I wasn’t even there anymore.
I moved my hand so that it laid next to hers, our fingers resting mere inches apart.
“Ayla.” Sucking a deep breath in, I tried to calm my rapid beating heart. “I can assume what happened. I can guess. But I don’t want to assume. I want to hear the real truth from you. Say something. Anything.”
No words were uttered from her.
Nothing.
She stayed stubbornly silent.
I rubbed my other hand tiredly over my face and pinched the bridge of my nose before blowing out a frustrated breath.
This was harder than I thought.
After a few minutes of utter silence between us, I leaned closer. “You are worth more than you think,” I whispered softly, hoping that the words would have some effect on her. “You bring happiness to others. You bring light, Ayla. You have people who care about you. People who want to help. Let us help.”
But she didn’t react. Her body stayed rigid as she continued to stare at the ceiling, almost unflinching.
I hated the unfairness that Ayla had to go through. I wanted to know the truth. No, I was desperate for the truth. I needed to know who she was and who the fuck hurt her.
I looked down at our hands. They were next to each other but not touching. I inched my fingers closer to hers, feeling the heavy tension and anguish rolling off her in waves.
“Can I touch you?” I asked.
I shifted my gaze up just in time to see her eyes widening in shock at my question. “Can I hold your hand?” I murmured, wanting another reaction from her.
But Ayla stayed silent. Her green eyes lost focus again. If it was possible, she grew even more tense and I started to worry if I had pushed too hard, too fast.
Rather than answering, Ayla slowly moved her hand. But she didn’t move toward me. Instead, she took her hand away and placed it over her stomach.
That was all the answer I got. But it spoke volumes.
She was shutting down and refusing any comfort.
I blew out a sharp breath and then sighed as I stood up. “I just want you to know that you are loved. You matter. To Maddie. To Lena.” I paused and swallowed hard. And to me. But I didn’t say it out loud.
Silence.
Ayla closed her eyes, effectively shutting me out. She was reclusive. Unresponsive.
I stared at her one last time before turning around and walking away. Each step I took away from her was painful but I forced myself to take them.
She needed time alone. To think and to come to terms with what happened. But I just hoped that she heard the words I said.
Because they were the truth.
Chapter 34
Ayla
The night before felt like a blur. I was ashamed that Alessio and the others had found me this way. They had to see me in my moment of weakness.
Alessio continued to ask me questions. He coaxed me to reveal the truth. His words felt like they were coming under water and my body felt like it was floating.