I chose my words carefully. This might be the last time I ever saw Riley, and I wanted to be honest with her. For once. “That list was started years ago. Yes, I’m still a part of the group that uses it. I add names to it. I have pursued women who were on it. I’m coming to see that it’s a juvenile use of my time… and that it’s not the most respectful thing to do.”
My throat swelled. Here I was, all these years thinking that the way I treated women was fair. Fuck, I knew it wasn’t nice. I knew it wasn’t conventional. But since when had my life plan involved any of those things? I’d been busy working to get ahead, busy keeping myself distanced from others, busy making sure I didn’t turn into the kind of prick my father was. I guess I’d tried too hard and become the exact kind of person I despised.
I wanted to tell Riley at least some of this, but the words snagged in the back of my mouth. I was frozen with fear. The idea of letting her know about my past, about anything that had happened to me, was too terrifying to face.
Riley’s face didn’t change in reaction to my words. She kept looking at me like she was so sad she could barely stand it. “Am I on the list?”
Pain shot through my chest. No way was I answering that one.
“Xavier?” Her voice was strong, forceful. “Tell me if I’m on the list, and don’t you dare lie to me.” She swallowed, and her voice became thick with emotion. “I’ve dealt with a lot between us, and I’ve put up with most of it. But don’t you lie to me about this. Just tell me the truth.”
Her plea pulled the answer out of me. “Yes. You’re on it.”
Riley’s eyes flashed, making her look like a wild animal. “Since when?”
“Since the day at the coffee shop.”
“Oh my God,” she gasped, her hand flying to her mouth. “When you came over to my apartment that night, you weren’t trying to get back together. You just wanted...”
“No,” I nearly shouted. “I wanted you, Riley.”
“In what capacity, Xavier? When you say you want me, what does that mean? Because normal people mean one thing when they say that, but you always mean something different.”
I seized her by the shoulders and held on to her, afraid that she’d turn and run away at any second. “I went to see you because I couldn’t stand the fucking idea of never seeing you again. I couldn’t stand the thought of Seth’s hands on you. Is that enough of an answer?”
Riley sadly shook her head. “No. It’s not. You’re essentially saying that you don’t want me but no one else can have me either.”
She was right. It was what I was saying, except… I did want her, desperately. I just couldn’t have her and that knowledge was driving me mad. And I didn’t know what to do with it.
“Then what do you want from me?” I asked, unable to keep the bitterness from the words.
“You…” Tears brimmed, but she held them at bay. “I just wanted you. I wanted to see who you are. I wanted to share your ups and downs. That’s what people do, Xavier. I wanted that for us.”
Her saying it all in past tense sent a debilitating jolt of pain through me. She was done with me. Actually done. I’d spent the last few weeks thinking I was over her, only to have her waltz into my office and discover I wasn’t. But it wasn’t the same for her. I’d hurt her and nothing could make things better.
I couldn’t stop my hands from doing what they did next. Slipping down her sides, they seized her waist, pulling her toward me. Riley collapsed against me with a gasp, and our lips collided. Her sweet, unique taste filled me up.
I waited for her to push me away. When I realized she wasn’t going to, a new force took me over. Seizing her ass, I lifted her up and carried her over to my desk. I deposited her on the edge of it, centering myself between her open thighs. Riley wrapped her legs around me, welcoming me in.
Our hands moved like the wind, clinging and clutching. I couldn’t get enough of her hair or soft skin. Each time my fingers found a new inch of her body, they ached to discover the next part. Riley dug her heels into my back, pressing me against her with a hunger I’d never seen from her.
Without warning, her mouth broke away from mine. She turned her head to the side and covered her face with her hands. “Oh my God,” she whispered. “What am I doing?”
I forced her hands away from her face. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
“But you did. And you hurt other people too. Maybe not directly, but you disrespected them. You used women like they were things, which is the same thing as punching someone in the face.”
Her words hit home. She was right. I’d already figured it out, but to hear her voice the truth burned like a motherfucker. I dropped my hands from her and stepped back. She took the opportunity and slid to the floor. “I need to get out of here.”
“Don’t go.” The words were such a surprise, I could hardly believe they came from my own mouth.
Riley didn’t look at me as she rushed to the door. “I have to.”
She didn’t bother closing the door behind her. I stared at the empty space she disappeared through, my head pounding and my blood boiling a raging path through my veins.
A long string of curses left my lips. I started to clutch at my hair but stopped. I didn’t need to take my anger out on myself. Not when there was a certain person out there who was very deserving of receiving it.
I counted to ten nearly a thousand times on the ride to Seth’s place. It didn’t do any good. By the time I arrived at his front stoop, I was more furious than I’d been when Riley told me what he’d done.
The doorman, recognizing me, let me right up. I sailed up the elevator and pounded on Seth’s front door. I was counting on the chance of him being home. I didn’t bother calling first because if I’d gotten him on the phone, I would have lost my shit and ruined the opportunity to lay into him in person.
“Yo,” came his voice from the other side of the door.
“It’s Xavier.”
There was a bit of movement and then quiet. Seth might have been afraid of me right now. If I were him, I would have been.
After another moment, the door opened. Seth stood there looking at me, his face full to the brim with pomp. If he were some other guy, I’d slam him into the wall. But he wasn’t some random dude. He was Davis’ cousin, and that meant there were certain rules I needed to play by. Even if Seth himself didn’t do the same.
I stepped across the threshold, prepared to physically push my way in should Seth decide to try and close the door. He just stepped aside, though, and watched me enter the foyer. I glanced over at the vase of roses sitting under a mirror. The place was so obviously decorated and maintained by his mother’s own staff it was ridiculous.
Inside the apartment, I turned and gave it to him. “What the fuck is wrong with you? Do you want to ruin us all?”
Seth crossed his arms and wrinkled his nose. “Ruin us all? Who talks like that? What year is this, nineteen twenty?”