“It really doesn’t matter now, does it? You’re in up to your neck.”
I stare at thin air. She has no idea. “I love him,” I say simply. We could go around the houses for years, argue about the whys and wherefores. We’ll only ever come back to those three simple words. “I can’t turn that off, Lizzy,” I say quietly, shamelessly stealing her words.
“I know.” She sighs. “Have you heard from him?”
“No,” I admit, wondering once again where he is. What he’s doing. What’s happening.
“What have you been doing all day?”
“Wandering.”
“On your own? All day? Why didn’t you come to me?” she asks, disturbed.
“You weren’t exactly warm on the phone this morning,” I point out gently. “I didn’t want to push you.”
“Annie, I don’t love you any less. You’ve done something I don’t agree with, but I would never turn my back on you.”
“That’s good to know,” I say robotically. “Because I’m pregnant.” It just falls right out, and I’m not even shocked. I have nothing left in me.
“What did you say?” she asks, her voice high and worried.
“I’m pregnant,” I repeat, though I know she heard me just fine the first time.
“Oh, Jesus,” she whispers, truly horrified. “Oh my God.”
“I know.” It’s all I have the energy to say. No explanations. No pleading for compassion or understanding. I’m done for the day. Maybe even forever.
“Where are you?”
“In a coffeehouse near Regent Park.”
“Why?”
“Because I don’t want to go home. Because I don’t know whether Jack’s told Stephanie he’s leaving her yet. Because I haven’t heard from him and it’s driving me crazy. Because I can’t call him. Because…”
“Come here,” she orders without hesitation. “Please.”
I smile down the line, strangely reaching the conclusion that I just want to be alone. No talking and no one surmising the crappiness of my situation. I’m doing a stellar job of that all by myself. “I’m fine,” I assure her.
“Annie, please.”
“Lizzy, trust me, I’m okay. I just need to process it all.” Or more like torture myself some more. “I’ll head home soon, I promise.”
She’s silent for a few moments, but she finally relents. “Call me if you want me to come and get you, okay?”
“Okay.” I hang up, but before I can put my phone away, it rings again. This time it is Jack, and my heart commences a strong, consistent beat. I rush to answer. “Jack?”
“Hey, baby.” He sounds absolutely broken, and I don’t know whether that’s a good thing or a bad thing. Did he bottle it? Did she beg him not to go? Did he cave under the pressure to stay? “Where are you?” he asks.
I don’t tell him where I am. I don’t want him worrying about me. “At Lizzy’s,” I lie. “Are you okay?”
“No,” he answers quickly and honestly. “No man should be okay with seeing a woman falling apart at his feet.”
“I’m so sorry.”
“I told her there was someone else.”
“What?”
“She wasn’t listening to me, Annie. I got desperate.”
“Did you tell her it’s me?”
“Jesus, no,” he breathes.
I’m only mildly relieved. He’s given her something. She’ll be obsessing on that and going to the end of the earth to find out who. “Where are you?”
“At Richard’s. I’m having a few beers and trying to wind down. It’s been…” His words die. He doesn’t need to tell me that it’s been a long day.
“Okay,” I agree, unable to protest and strangely not feeling hurt that he needs a few bottles and man time. I still need my own space to process something Jack is yet to be hit with. I need to think about how I’m going to tell him and when.
“I love you,” I blurt out, if only to remind him in his mayhem why we’re going through this.
“I never once doubted that, Annie.” He sighs heavily, sounding tired. “Get a good night’s sleep, baby, and I’ll call you in the morning.”
“I will.”
“Love you, gorgeous. More than anything.”
His declaration brings a small smile to my face. “Even more than Giant Strawbs?”
“Even more than them. And I love them a lot.”
“I know you do. I love you, too.”
I hang up and start to make my way home. I’d like to think the hardest part is done with, but I’m not stupid.
It’s only just begun.
Chapter 24
It’s dark by the time I get home. I go to my room and throw my bag on the bed, rummaging to the bottom until I lay my hands on the long plastic stick. Pulling it out, I gaze down at its window, hoping a miracle has occurred. There are still two lines looking up at me loud and proud. I throw it back into my bag and make my way to my bathroom, looking at myself in the mirror for the first time today. I don’t think I’ve ever seen myself look so terrible. My skin is sallow, my green eyes clouded, my dark hair limp, and my clothes crumpled. I lower my head to avoid seeing the wretchedness of my face, and my gaze falls to my stomach. My flat stomach. For the first time, I consider the most important question I should be asking myself right now. Not what people will think or how they will react—I should be asking myself if I can do this. Be a mum. Not once has the thought to rid myself of the problem crossed my jumbled mind. I haven’t asked myself whether I’m keeping the baby or not.
I am keeping it.
After showering, I make myself a bedtime cup of tea. I don’t question the smile I have on my face as I clear up sweets wrappers from around the sofa. And I don’t second-guess my reasoning for loading Top Gun and snuggling down on the couch to watch it. My eyes wander from the television from time to time, falling to the floor and seeing me and Jack, a tangle of arms and legs, sweets and pillows. And I see a third person: a baby. Me, Jack, and a little person—half of him and half of me. My hand falls to my stomach and circles absentmindedly. I’m going to have a little human to take care of within a year. Someone to rely and depend on me. Being a mum has never featured in my plans, maybe because I’ve never had any plans beyond my career. My life has been turned upside down and I asked for it all. Now I need to take charge. I know what I’m faced with, but with this baby growing inside me, I’m caring less about the reactions of the world and Stephanie, and more about being a good mum. I can do it. With Jack, I can do anything.
For the first time today, I see hope amid the ruins and I cling to it with all my might, lying back on the couch and sipping my tea. I get a text before I doze off.
From Jack.
I was always yours. Even when I didn’t know you. And you were always mine. It just took us a while to find each other. I love you x
I fall asleep with those words on loop in my mind.
*