Jack lunges forward threateningly, leaving me no choice but to jump in his path before they start scrapping in my lounge. “Stop!” I shout, placing a hand on Jack’s chest firmly. “I think it’s best you go.” I look up at him, and he immediately starts shaking his head.
“No.” He looks adamant. “Not so these two can slam you and make you start questioning what you’re doing.”
“That’s exactly what we’re going to do!” Micky yells. “Make her see some fucking sense!”
“Just stop!” I yell, turning to face my oldest friend. “I know what I’m doing!”
“You do?” Lizzy pipes up. “Are you sure, because I’m pretty sure you must have lost your fucking mind, Annie. What has he promised you? He’s going to leave her?” She laughs coldly. “Yes, they all say that, but when it comes to the crunch, they’re all ball-less! You’re a bit of fun. Something exciting and different. Don’t you see that?”
“It’s nothing like that,” I yell, starting to lose my shit. Her experience, albeit at the complete opposite end of the spectrum, cannot be used as a comparison. “And if all you’re going to do is stand there and make judgments, you can leave now. You know nothing about this, and you don’t look like you’re in the mood to listen, so get out!”
Both of my friends recoil, shocked, and Jack’s hand rests on my shoulder to calm me. It won’t work. I’m infuriated that they think they have our situation nailed. They don’t. I’m not just fucking him. I back up into Jack’s front, showing where my alliance lies, my face fixed and determined.
“Calm down, Annie,” Jack says quietly from behind, turning me to face him. He looks down at me with a soft smile, reaching up to my eyes and wiping under each tenderly. “This is just part of the process. One of the challenges we need to face.”
He’s talking to me like there’s no one else in the room, and it’s having the effect he’s wanting. Under his soft order, I swallow down my frustration and pull myself together.
“Don’t drive your friends away. You need them.” He dips and pushes his lips to my forehead, and though I now can’t see Jack’s face, I know he’ll have a trained eye on my friends. “I’m going to get dressed.”
He heads for my bedroom, slowing when he reaches the door, needing Micky to move so he can pass through. It takes my friend a few seconds to find the courtesy, but he eventually shifts to the side, allowing Jack to pass, even if it’s on a curled lip. I see Lizzy blow out a breath as Jack disappears and Micky uncoils a little.
Then they both look at me again, but before I let their condemnation beat me down I turn and scoop up my T-shirt from the floor. “You can put the kettle on if you want to stay. I need to get dressed.”
“I’ll put the kettle on,” Lizzy sighs, taking Micky’s arm and pushing him through to the kitchen, leaving me alone. I spend the few minutes it takes me to dress trying to dampen down my simmering resentment. I fail. But I need to face this head on. No more hiding.
When I join them in the kitchen, I find Lizzy is drinking wine and Micky has a beer in his hand. I’ve pushed them to drink.
“I didn’t give you a key so you can infiltrate my privacy,” I say as I get my own glass down from the cupboard and pour myself some wine. I’ve pushed myself to drink, too.
Neither of them have anything to say to that, but I’m not kidding myself that the conversation ends here.
“I had a training session with Jason this afternoon,” Micky explains. “He was telling me he bumped into Tom.” His head cocks, his eyebrows rise. “And Tom mentioned some bloke breaking down your apartment door.”
“What the hell are you thinking?” Lizzy jumps in, pointing her wineglass toward the door, as if there could be any confusion about what she’s talking about. “I knew you were hiding something.”
“Is it any wonder?” I ask. “Why would I confide in you when I knew you would be like this? I don’t expect you to understand.”
“What’s to understand?” Micky pipes up, dropping to a chair. “All this time you’ve been lying to us. You’re going where no one should go.”
“Do you think I don’t know that? Do you think I walked into this with my eyes closed?”
“You must have.” Micky laughs bitterly.
“This isn’t a game,” I shout. “He’s not a trophy to be won. I fucking love him!” I shock myself with the decibel level of my voice, and Lizzy and Micky’s eyes bug. But I don’t give either of them an opportunity to come back at me with their thoughts. Not until they know the deal. “I’ve torn myself to shreds repeatedly!” I yell. “I’ve beaten myself up and constantly dreaded the consequences, but none of it has made me lose sight of how I feel. I can’t pretend I don’t feel this way. I can’t turn my back on it because I’m scared.” My voice is starting to quiver, but I soldier on, determined to try and make them see things from my perspective. “He’s worth the shit I know I’m going to go through, because I love him. So much it fucking hurts right here.” I thump my chest. “It frightens me, but the thought of not having him, of coming out of this mess without him, fucking terrifies me.” I finish off my speech with a long glug of wine, shaking as I bring the glass down to the worktop. “I’m not asking you to give me your blessing. I’m just asking you not to assume you know the deal, because you don’t.”
“He’s not yours to take, Annie,” Lizzy says quietly. “Don’t go there, please.”
“It’s too late.” I drop my eyes to the floor. “And I’m not taking him. He’s coming to me willingly.”
“Do you think his wife will see it like that?” Micky asks. “And anyone else?”
“No,” I admit. “But one thing I’m having to come to terms with is that I can’t control how people will see me. I’ve been through all the labels that I’ll have slapped on me. Homewrecker, slut, whore, selfish bitch. But none of them hurt as much as the thought of being without Jack. He’s miserable in his marriage. That mark on his face is because of her. She did that to him!”
There’s a brief silence and both of them look at me, stunned. “Oh shit,” Lizzy sighs, discarding her wineglass, shaking her head. She might not understand, but she comprehends how I feel about Jack. Coming over to me, she wraps an arm around my shoulders, giving me a half cuddle. “What have you gotten yourself into, Annie?”
“Love,” I reply simply, because that little four-letter word is the only explanation for me venturing down this painful road.
The moment Jack’s eyes met mine in that bar, our hearts began to slowly entwine, and now they’re tangled so tightly I have no choice but to battle forward and hope we can’t be ripped apart, because if Jack leaves me, he will take part of my heart with him. I’ll be destroyed. The growing lump in my throat expands and I break down in Lizzy’s arms. I hear Micky curse, and I hear a soft sob come from Lizzy, too. I cry into her shoulder quietly, grateful for the comfort she’s been forced into giving me, until she pulls away and holds me by my shoulders. Her eyes are glassy with tears as she wipes mine, her face sad.