“Why don’t you wish it away?” she quips, her tone snotty as she chucks her hair behind her back.
“What the fuck is your problem?” I growl angrily, pacing the room. “I stepped outside to do this. I get that it’s strange and stupid, but it’s something I have to do. I’m not sure where you get off acting all self-righteous over it.”
“Hayden!” she exclaims, balling her fists up beside her. “You tell me you’re not weak, but this sounds scary. And I just found out the guy I’m falling for wishes his life away. How is that supposed to make me feel?”
Her words hit me like a punch to my gut. Weakness is representative of all that I want to leave behind. Picturing Leslie’s face the moment she found me after carving into my wrists was the lowest I ever felt. To hurt someone like that…to put her through it all. I hated it. Is making these wishes at 11:11 considered weak? “These wishes make me feel safe,” I croak, not knowing how else to explain myself.
“Safe, how?” she asks, her tone nearly a shrill.
I inhale slowly through my nose and tell her yet another thing I’ve never revealed to another person. “A few years ago, I was pissed out of my mind on both booze and pills. I was driving, like a fucking moron, and I looked down at my odometer and the miles on my car switched over to 1111 just as the clock struck 11:11. It shook me to my core, and next thing I knew, I wrapped my car around a tree and spent several weeks in the hospital.”
“Hayden—” she starts, but I cut her off.
“That was the first time people started throwing the word suicide around with my name. That was when Mum started the charity. That’s when I became the fucking family charity case.” I suck in my cheeks and bite down, ignoring Vi’s reaction all together. “This is the one thing that brings me comfort with my recovery, Vi. So I do it.”
A painfully quiet and charged moment passes between us. Her blue eyes look like they are searching mine for something…something I don’t have inside of me to give away. As if surrendering defeat, her soft voice utters, “Okay.”
I blink at her, my eyes squinting in confusion. “Okay?” I ask for confirmation.
She nods woodenly. “Okay.” A sombre, yet helpless look crosses over her face, and whatever it was she thought just then forces me to eliminate all space between us. As I take her in my arms, she looks up at me with watery eyes. “I’m sorry, Hayden. This is hard for me too. This is your journey and I can’t walk it for you…but I hope you know that you don’t always have to fight alone.”
My heart soars and sinks with that one profound statement she just spoke. The look in her eyes as she stares back at me is a look of surrender. As if she’s got no other choice but to give herself to me completely. As if her level of interest for whatever it is we have between us would trump all bad habits, and that terrifies the shit out of her.
Her arms wrap around my waist and I clasp them firmly behind my back. The trembling in her body hurts my heart. “Please, Bunny,” I murmur into her hair. “Trust me to figure this one out. I promise. I just need time.” I kiss the top of her head and wish the vow I’m making to her be true with every fibre of my being.
The next morning, I walk back home, or to Theo’s flat I should say. As soon as I swing open the door, I’m greeted by a beaming Leslie. “Welcome home!” she sings from her place at the dining room table with Jaci. They have several binders spread out all around them.
“I’ll be in touch,” Jaci says with a huff of annoyance, like my mere presence alone could spoil all their work. She stands and bustles past me, pausing to give me a nasty once-over. “Has he been fitted for a suit?”
Leslie nods, “Yep! We’ll get him cleaned up, don’t you worry.”
A painful smile splits on my face as I scratch my whiskered chin. Jaci makes her hasty exit. I lift my brows, giving Leslie an “are you serious” look. She shrugs her shoulders good naturedly while eyeing my clothes from last night.
“Where’s my favourite girl?” I ask, attempting to delay the conversation that I’ve felt coming the last couple of weeks.
“Sleeping upstairs with Theo.”
“Another rough night?” I guess, striding over to the kettle and pouring myself a cup of tea.
“You guessed it. But you wouldn’t know because you’ve been MIA the last two weeks.”
I flinch, touching my right cuff self-consciously. I pour some milk in my tea and walk over to join Leslie at the table. “Sorry about that.”
“No need to be sorry, Hayden. You’re a single, twenty-six-year-old man. And hey, I’ve got Jaci in my corner. That broad may be a crusty, British, upper-lip, tight-ass, but she’s my wish come true.” Leslie’s eyes narrow from behind her mug. “But no one cares about that. Let’s hear it, Hay Day. Did ya get way laid?”