“I’m here whenever you need me.”
“I always need you, Alexander.” I sit up and face him. “But tell me where you go when you leave me?”
“I would never leave you. You will be the one to walk away. Not me.”
“I don’t think I could.”
“What keeps you here?”
“My heart.”
“You’re speaking through emotions.” He spins a silver ring in the shape of a crown around my finger. I don’t wear it all the time, but I have been lately, missing him. He gave it to me last year, telling me I would always be his queen. “What does your rational side say?”
“My emotions are rational.”
“You’re nineteen, Sara Jane. One day you’ll be too smart to give your feelings so much power.” He kisses me, soft and gently, like every time he kisses me. “When you wise up, promise you’ll leave me.”
Surprised, I ask, “Why do you want me to leave?”
“Because you deserve better than I’ll be able to give you. And one day you’ll discover that too. You’ll see me for who I am instead of who you want me to be.”
“I think your emotions weigh down the better parts of yourself.”
“You wear rose-colored glasses, Firefly.”
“I wear my love for you, right here in the open.”
“You’ll regret that one day.”
I kiss him first on his cheek then on his lips and whisper, “How could I ever regret something that feels this right?”
His fingers weave into the back of my hair and he holds me close. “I love you. Till the day I die, I’ll love you.”
“When did it get so hard?”
The warmth of his voice blankets the chill inside me. I open my eyes, slowly adjusting, and find myself buried in his shadow. “When was it ever easy, Alexander?”
I sit up and he sits down. “I’m sorry.” Vulnerability, not something I often hear, but I can now in his tone. It draws me to want to touch him, to hold him, to give him time to say what he needs to say. He runs his hands through his hair and I notice how much it’s grown when the locks fall back over his eyes. “When I stood over my mother’s casket, I vowed I would find the person who murdered her. I won’t stop until that person pays for what he’s done.”
“Pays by having justice served by the police or like a vigilante you’re going to take matters into your own hands?”
Tucking a section of my hair behind my ear, he says, “Why can’t it be both?”
“Because it’s not healthy to seek revenge, and it’s not safe for you to hunt for a killer.”
“When you put it like that—”
“You’ll stop?” I ask, hope foolishly filling my chest.
He chuckles. “No, I can’t.”
“You’re not Batman, Alexander. What you’re doing is dangerous and irresponsible.”
“How is it irresponsible to want to stop a murderer?”
“It’s irresponsible to my heart. If anything happens to you—”
“You wanted to know what I do with my nights. I’ve now told you, so I’m not going to continue this conversation.”
Frustration sets in again, and I spit out, “What are you doing with your days?”
“I go to work. I’m with you or my friends. There’s no great mystery to solve here.” He shrugs. “I’m an average kind of guy.”
Now I laugh. Average guy. Ha! “There’s nothing average about you.”
When his arm comes around me, he pulls me close and kisses my head. “That’s why you love me.”
“I love you endlessly.” Leaning on his shoulder, I add, “But sometimes I worry that I also love you regardless of what my instincts say.”
“Your instincts are always right. I want to tell you everything, Sara Jane, but I also want you to be happy. It’s a line I struggle to toe.”
I kiss his temple and take in his intoxicating scent. “I wish things were that easy.”
“But like you said, it’s never been easy for us. So maybe we just accept our fate and, like Bonnie and Clyde, live on the edge.”
“I used to dream I was Snow White and I would meet my Prince Charming.”
“You can still have that dream, but I don’t think I can give you the ending you want.”
“You mean a happy one?”
“Any that involves that easy life you want.”
Running my fingers over the veins on top of his hand, I say, “I’ll take Bonnie and Clyde if it means I get you.”
“You have me. You always did, Firefly.” Leaning forward, he says, “I don’t want to change the subject, but we need to talk about my father.”
“Okay.” I lick my lips, and then tug the lower one in when the memory of the confrontation comes back. “Why did he invite me to breakfast?”
Alexander scans the area before replying. “I don’t know, but I don’t want him near you. He’s dangerous.”
“He’s your father, Alexander.”
“I don’t want you near him. This isn’t a discussion.”
“Is it a command?”
“Yes.” Running his hand through his hair, he shakes his head, and then says, “Yes, Sara Jane. This is a command. I’ve never made another of you, but I don’t trust him. If he suddenly wants to see you, there is a motive. Don’t get caught in the crossfire.”
“I can’t just ignore him.”
“Ignore him anyway.”
“What do I say?”
“Anything that keeps you safe.”
When I move in front of him, he takes me by the hips, and I look up. “You told me you want revenge. Now tell me the rest.”
He drops his head and rests the top against my stomach. “I can’t.”
“Why not?”
“Because I love you too much.”
“You’re living two lives. Don’t you see?”
When his steel blue eyes look up, he admits what I fear, “I only see the justice I want served.”
“God, Alexander, you’re impossible. We’ve been together forever, and I feel like I barely know you.”
When he stands up, he tilts his head down. “You know me, Sara Jane. You know me better than anyone.”
“Then stop lying to me.”
“You’re maddening.”
“I’m maddening? You’re the most frustrating man I’ve ever known. You have a talent for talking in circles but make everyone believe they’ve gotten answers. I’ve given you a free pass for too long. I’m not going to sit idly by anymore.”
“Think about what you’re asking me.”
“I have. For years.”
“And you’re willing to walk away, after all we’ve been through, after all the time we’ve invested?”
“You just told me I’d be better off if I left. You’ve said it before too. But now you’re turning this back on me with after all we’ve been through?” My hands hold tight to the straps on my backpack to hide my nerves as I lay down my ultimatum. “I don’t want to leave, but you’re standing there holding the door open. Close it and tell me everything or I walk out.”
Irritation prods my pride into action. I look at him one more time, praying he opens up to me. When he doesn’t, I drop my head, disappointed and disheartened. Devastated. Do I go back on my threat? Was it just a threat or was it more? “Why are you doing this?” Tears fill my eyes as I look at him, silently pleading with him to throw me a lifeline.