“Yes, I’m looking forward to it.” Trying to act normal, he felt anything but that right then. He was still winded and couldn’t stop scanning his surroundings, just in case.
Rebecca was called to an emergency, and Ben walked home in a daze, his mind disappearing into what could have happened three years ago. Without any answers or clues, he couldn’t heal much less ever move on, despite wishing he could put it all behind him. His family told him he was too young to waste his life searching for someone that was gone forever. Grace’s family had said the same. It pained them to do so, but they did. Ben knew it was for his benefit, and they only wanted something good to come from this tragedy, but how do you forget about a heart that once beat so loudly? Most days his chest felt vacant, but sometimes, like today, it thrummed, giving him a taste of what it once was and what could have been.
As soon as he entered his apartment, every emotion he’d buried came rushing back. Here, in the solace of this place, he could peel the layers of lies away and be who he felt on the inside. Here, he could break down or feed the beast that craved more memories of the past. Here, he could mourn and grieve.
Sitting at the computer, he pulled up the file labeled “Grace” and stared. Tonight he would indulge the cravings never truly satisfied. He would give in because when he had episodes of hope tease him, he was too weak to stay away. Reaching up, he touched the screen as if touching her face again.
The photo was his favorite, his Achilles heel. Grace had never been more beautiful than the day they got engaged. Her smile lived in her eyes, love rested on her lips, waiting to give it away. Ben used to drink her up, savor her laughter, and wrap his body around hers to lose himself, entangling his soul with hers.
“Fuck.” His head dropped in shame, his chin hitting his chest. The same questions still plagued him years later—What happened to her and why couldn’t I save her?
Clicking to the next photo, he stared at the picture of the two of them on her twenty-first birthday. He towered over her by then. Caught on camera looking at each other and laughing, living in the moment—he loved this photo too. It could be said, he loved every photo he had of her and had memorized every detail. The evening drifted away as he got lost in a life that had become his past. His torture.
“Benjamin?” Rebecca’s voice came from behind.
Quickly hitting the escape button, he tried to cover what he was doing. As casually as he could, he responded, “Hey there.”
He smiled while walking over to her, hoping to redirect her attention from the computer screen. He didn’t like worrying her and could tell by her tone she was. She deserved so much better than him. Despite his gratefulness, he wasn’t sure why she stayed with him. He could only ever give her half the man he was. She had more access to his apartment than to his heart. The key to the apartment was a consolation prize, a distraction to a conversation she wanted to have about his real feelings, a drunken discussion that had become sexual. He’d thought he was ready for something physical, ready for a connection with someone again. He hadn’t been and the key to his place was offered. The key to his heart would forever remain locked, as half his soul was missing with Grace.
Reaching up, she rubbed his shoulders, easing the tension collected in his muscles. “Are you all right? You had me worried earlier.” Her eyes flickered to the desk where the computer was. “And now.” Concern coated each word.
Months ago, he had reassured her that he had stopped looking at those photos, and had promised to put more effort into their relationship. He thought they had made progress as a couple, but something inside him never allowed him to stop looking, to stop thinking about his missing fiancée. He couldn’t let Grace go. He knew Rebecca would be disappointed and hurt, catching him doing this again, so he tried to cover his actions by pulling her into a hug. “I’m good. Are you off for the night?”
“Yes,” she replied dubiously.
From her one-word answer, he knew she was mad. After a sweet kiss to the cheek, he tried to sway her mood. “You want to grab something to eat?”
“Sure.” The word was tainted in uncertainty, maybe more in disbelief.
He had to be better. Ben had to try harder. “I’ll just change out of my work clothes.” He walked into the bedroom and closed the door. Leaning against it, he closed his eyes and vowed to end this insanity.
Once and for all.