I was six months pregnant, more than a month had passed since I had seen Riggs. The first few weeks were rough, I went from having so much hope to having nothing at all. I felt like I was crawling out of a hole, desperate to get above ground. I’m still not there yet, and I may never be, but I’m moving forward.
I have no choice.
After I left the clubhouse Anthony took me to the apartment so I could pack my things before bringing me to his home. I feel bad for the hell I’ve put my brother and Adrianna through. It should’ve been a happy time for them, they should’ve been enjoying Adrianna’s pregnancy but instead they listened to me cry myself to sleep and put off painting their daughter’s nursery in fear it would upset me.
They tiptoed around me, but I’d catch things here and there, like when they were laying on the couch together and Anthony dropped his head into Adrianna’s lap so he could talk to the baby. Or the several times he placed his hands on her stomach when their little girl kicked.
Pea kicked a lot.
But there was no one to lay a hand on my belly other than me.
I was happy for my brother, really I was, but I didn’t like feeling envious so when my mother suggested I move in with her, I jumped at the chance. Of course, Anthony didn’t like the idea, he was my shadow these days and me living with our mom, made his job harder.
I got a job, working from home, billing and coding for a doctor. It wasn’t a great job but it would get me through until I had the baby. Then I really needed to figure out what I would do to support us.
I think of Riggs all the time. I hate myself for it but I can’t help it. I wonder if he regrets what he did or if he’s happy to be rid of the burden.
I’m dreading going to the doctor tomorrow, and not because I can’t wait to see how the baby is doing, but because Riggs won’t be there to hold my hand and whisper jokes in my ear. He won’t be there trying to put his own legs in the stirrups like he did the first time he came to a doctor’s appointment with me. He won’t be there trying to convince the doctor he has super sperm and that our baby will be a genius. He won’t be there to rob hospital gowns intending to play doctor when we get home.
He’s gone.
It’s like he’s dead.
And if I’m being honest, there are days when I tell myself he is.
Rest in Peace, Riggs.
You’ll forever be in my heart.
Chapter Thirty-One
I started staying at the apartment almost immediately after Lauren left, partially because of the feud with Bones, but mainly because I wanted to hold onto my brief time with Lauren and Pea. The first few days it took all the willpower I could muster up not to break every piece of furniture. The couch, the bed, hell, even the refrigerator reminded me of what I gave up.
I had to keep reminding myself that I was doing the right thing even when my conscience tried fucking with me, whispering in my head words of doubt.
I could’ve protected them.
They would’ve been safe with me.
It was my responsibility to watch them.
Not Anthony’s.
And when I pushed those thoughts out of my head all I saw was Wu’s face as he promised to go after me and mine. It’s real clear that this shit won’t die until one of us does. Throwing a bunch of dicks, literally, well, fake dicks, into the river wouldn’t do anything to end this war. Jack says intercepting their shipment sends a message—we aren’t weak, we won’t sit back and let them attack us.
It’s all bullshit.
He will strike.
We’ll strike back and so on and so forth.
We don’t have a common goal with the Dragons, no truce to iron out.
It’s either their blood or ours.
Me, personally? I don’t want to sit back and wait for them to draw our blood. I say we take them out, starting with Wu. But I don’t call the shots and everyone thinks I’m a mad man these days.
I placed the roller in the tray when I heard someone knock on the door and took a step back to admire the paint I had chosen. The clerk at the paint store recommended either yellow or green, something neutral…something gay. I painted one wall gray and the other three white. If Pea was a girl then we could add a ton of pink shit but if he’s a boy, then we’d add a ton of blue.
Who was I kidding? Pea wouldn’t see this room.
But still I’d continue painting these walls. I’d buy a crib, and whatever other shit a baby needed because I’ll always be his dad. Even if he doesn’t know it. Even if this is just for me to feel like I’m someone’s dad.
I walked out of the room, wiping my hands on my t-shirt before I pulled open the door to find Bones leaning against the doorjamb. I stepped aside as he kicked off the wall and walked into the apartment.
“Painting?” He asked, as he sniffed the fumes.
“Yeah,” I said, as I grabbed two beers from the fridge and popped the tops off them, offering him one. “Thanks for coming,” I added.