“Put the pool stick down, Lauren,” Riggs reasoned calmly, as he stepped out from behind the bar. His eyes turned to Anthony’s. “What the fuck is this, huh?”
“I’m right here!” I yelled, throwing the pool stick onto the floor as I stared at him. “Stop looking at Anthony and start fucking looking at me,” I demanded.
He averted his eyes back to mine, shoving his hands into his pockets.
“Give us a minute,” he told the room.
“I’m not leaving her,” my brother said.
“I said give me a fucking minute, Bianci,” Riggs shouted over my shoulder. Our eyes remained locked as the room cleared out, leaving us alone with the truth lingering in the air.
“You sent my brother to our apartment to give me the kiss off?”
“It’s best if you stay with him. I’d tell you to stay at the apartment but someone needs to protect you and it would just be easier if you were with him,” he argued.
“You are supposed to protect me, not Anthony. YOU.”
“Look, it’s too much,” he shouted. “It’s just too much,” he insisted. “I never wanted any of this shit, Lauren! I went from being a guy whose biggest worry was his fucking bike or which broad he would screw for the night to having an old lady and a kid on the way. Like you had a fucking plan, so did I, and it didn’t include a family! I never wanted any of this and now I’m stuck with it. My life isn’t set up for you and a baby, Lauren.”
He pointed to the Satan’s Knights logo painted on the wall, the reaper that stood in the way of everything.
“That, that right there is my life,” he declared, tipping his head toward me. “Not this. I don’t know how to do this and I never really wanted to.”
“You’re lying,” I insisted, searching his eyes for the truth. He may not have planned on this but over the last few months he gave me his best. His greatest attempt to make this work and I saw truth in his actions. He didn’t know how to be a dad or the main man in someone’s life but he wanted to learn.
The man in front of me now. He was the lie.
Wasn’t he?
“Ah, shit, don’t cry, Lauren. You know I’m right,” he exclaimed, as he ran his fingers roughly though his hair. “You know it’s the truth.”
I pinned him with a gaze and wiped away my tears.
I won’t cry.
I won’t give you any more of my tears.
“You people pride yourselves on being these badass men. You.” I pointed an accusing finger at him. “You call yourself a Satan’s Knight, a goddamn soldier of the devil, but all you are is a fucking coward with no backbone. You preach about loyalty and honor for your club but you don’t know the first thing about what either of those two things mean. Loyalty is about support, a strong devotion to something or someone. It’s a pity your loyalty doesn’t rest with your child.”
“Lauren,” he interrupted.
“No, I’m not done. Honor? Honor is having great respect for someone and that honor should be with me. I am the one giving you a son or a daughter,” I tipped my head back to the reaper on the wall. “He won’t give you a family. I know you think he already has, that these men are your brothers, and that’s all that matters but your brotherhood won’t keep you warm at night. Your brotherhood won’t give you the joy you’ll be missing out on by throwing your child away. So, fuck you, Riggs. Fuck your club and seriously fuck your patch.”
“Shut up,” he growled. “You don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about, Lauren. You have no idea how fucking loyal and honorable I am. And that’s okay, you don’t need to. You just need to stay away from me,” he hollered.
I took a step closer to him, the anger that consumed me faded and was replaced with determination.
I may have fallen, but I needed to get back up.
I need to fight.
A part of me wonders if he realizes how much of a fighter I truly am. Doesn’t he understand I would’ve fought for him too? But he lost that right. I won’t fight for him but I’ll fight against him. I’ll fight for Pea because someone had to.
“I can’t even say I’m sorry I ever met you because without you there is no Pea. I will always have Pea. So, thank you for that. Thank you for giving me something you’ll never enjoy. You’re the one who loses. You’re the one who has to live every day knowing you walked away from something great, something bigger and better and more rewarding than some pathetic patch.”
I walked to the bar, grabbed the empty bottle of liquor and turned on my heel as I wailed it across the room and it crashed against the reaper on the wall.
“Hope it was worth it,” I called over my shoulder, as I stalked out of the club.
I walked away from Riggs that night, chin up, head high but my heart shattered like all the pieces of glass that decorated the floor of the Dog Pound.