Tucking my purse against my side, I walk outside to where Chuck is waiting with my car. He flashes me a smile filled with sympathy. I’ve been choking on everyone’s fucking sympathy.
“Thanks for doing this,” I tell him as I climb in the car.
“Anything for you. You’ve done a lot for me. Hope he appreciates what you’re doing for him.”
He won’t. He’ll hate me like I hated him. But that’s not what Chuck is talking about.
“He’ll treat you good,” I tell him with a forced smile.
He sighs as I glance back at the bags Chuck grabbed from my house. For the first time in my life, I’m truly on my own. I wish I could say that didn’t terrify me, but I’m tired of lying to myself.
At least I don’t have to worry about what I’m doing to everyone else around me anymore.
My eyes glance over at the bowling alley one last time, and I wipe away the first tear that falls. There will be many more tears to keep me company.
Chapter 44
CHASE
“Kiss me,” Gina says, leaning against me.
I don’t want to kiss her. I just want to use her to forget. Touching anyone else feels wrong… dirty… My stomach roils, but I drink more, numbing myself.
I’m sick of thinking about Mika. I’m sick of missing her. I’m sick of… every-fucking-thing.
“I said kiss me,” Gina repeats.
I turn up the bottle of whiskey again instead of responding to her, and drink until it hurts a little less. Never thought I’d be the James boy everyone said I was.
People dance, people sing, people act like these are the greatest years of our life, and I watch it all from the outside. No one here gives a fuck about me. Most of these people—including Gina—would be ashamed to speak to me outside of this damn party. Everyone just likes to party at my place, since the cops don’t come around here and bother my parents. Mom makes sure of that.
This is now the party grounds where the party doesn’t get raided, and everyone can get shit-faced. Glad I can contribute. It’s better than drinking alone.
“Chase,” Gina groans, licking the shell of my ear.
Maybe I can get over Mika if I stop letting her be the only one I’ve ever had. If I stop worshipping every memory of her in my mind, maybe it’ll hurt less. Maybe I can move on like she will.
Just the thought of someone else touching her again has me ready to punch something. She fucked someone else before me. She’s probably already fucking some douche who’s on the path to be a lawyer or some shit. She’s probably fucking someone who deserves her.
Her latest letter is crumpled in my back pocket, and I can’t read it. Just like I haven’t read any of them since summer began and my dreams ended. Fucking ridiculous. All of it. I was stupid to ever think it would end differently.
“Yeah,” I tell Gina, dropping my drink as I grab her by the waist. The bottle falls to the ground, and I jerk open my jeans as bile rises to my throat. “Spread your legs.”
She complies with a smile on her lips, and I roll on a condom right in the middle of the party. People might have an issue with being associated with a James in public, but no one has a problem fucking one.
Time to accept the truth and live with it. I’m no exception. That’s just life.
Whit whistles low as something crunches under her foot, and I bandage up my bloody hands.
“What the hell happened here?” she asks, inching around more damage that used to be my coffee table.
“Unless you’ve figured out where Mika is, you should go. I’m not exactly in the mood for visitors.” I finish up the bandaging, and grab my keys. No way am I finding my belt in this mess.
“I told you the last I saw her was about the bowling alley. Are you okay? This looks like someone broke in.”
“I just needed to hit something,” I say while turning around. My house looks like a tornado blew through, but I don’t give a damn right now. I also don’t like the pity oozing from Whit’s eyes.
“Have you heard from Aidan or Hunter? I can’t reach them,” she says while looking around at the mess.
“On my way there now,” I say while brushing by her.
“Chase!”
I turn around as Whit struggles with whatever is on her mind.
“Never mind. Just let me know how they’re doing. Okay?”
I don’t say anything. Instead, I climb into my truck and resist the urge to stop for a bottle of liquor that could drown out the world. Getting lost at the bottom of a bottle never worked before. Getting wasted led to a lot of bad decisions, and none of it changed a thing. It all made it worse.
I pull up to Mika’s house, and the disappointment hits me hard when her car still isn’t in the open garage. For some reason, I keep expecting it to magically appear. Fifteen minutes… We’ve gone everywhere you can go from one to twenty minutes in varying speeds. Fifteen minutes is an acceptable number for her to use, since it’s a limit and not a time.