“I’ll call you when I can,” I tell her, and her lips twitch.
“Better. Now live this way for a while.”
“How long?” I grimace when she starts to speak. “Never mind. Sorry. No dates or guesses at timeframes. Marking the boxes off now.”
Her lips twitch and she nods.
“It’ll take time. It’s a long process. Think marathon—not a race.”
“I’m a fast learner, Doc. And I’m ready to have Mika back. I think life has fucked us both over for long enough. Don’t you?”
I can tell she’s still trying to decide what she thinks about me, and probably worried about Mika.
“What are your thoughts on this?” she asks me. “I mean about this situation.”
“My thoughts?” My lips tense as I try to process my thoughts. They’re everywhere. “My thoughts are that I don’t give a fuck about anything but getting Mika back. And I’m ready to prove it.”
She clears her throat like I caught her off guard, but she resumes going over the list without missing more than a few beats.
“Mi—I mean, your girlfriend has to be careful with powerful emotions. It’s fine until it’s not fine. It’s been holding her back from progressing into a relationship state. Emotions run higher when a lot of affection or physical contact is involved, creating a larger margin for irrationality,” she explains calmly. “Hence the reason her reaction was so extreme this past time.”
“I didn’t know the rules last time. This time I do. I’m not going in blind. It’s worth it.”
She studies me for a long minute, but finally starts going over other important key points.
“Some exceptions are made,” she says. “Such as the fifteen minutes of drive time. Since Mika doesn’t have an issue riding for longer, someone else is allowed to drive longer than that time.”
There are other exceptions, and I listen with rapt attention. I soak it all in, ready to do whatever it takes. I also have a few ideas of my own to help Mika.
Fuck the marathon. This is a sprint.
Chapter 46
MIKA
2 months later…
“How’s Aidan?” I ask Whit as I move my laptop away to devote my full attention to her.
We have one rule: She never calls. I do all the calling.
“He’s… Mika, are you sure he’s going to be okay? He’s angry. He’s drunk most of the time. I’m worried about him. It’s like… I don’t know. He knows your safe, since Dr. Stein keeps him updated, but he doesn’t act like he believes it.”
Guilt hits me like it has for two solid months, but I take a deep, calming breath. The end of summer came and went, and I’ve worked hard to not think about it. I always hated autumn.
“Aidan deserves a better life than he can have around a defective sister,” I state without any emotion.
I’ve managed to get my emotions under control better than ever. That’s what isolation does for you. You cry for three weeks straight until you’re too numb to feel anything. Some things have been broken—because I’m still just as crazy today as I was yesterday—but I haven’t hurt myself anymore.
I also have a panic button just in case. It directly calls for an ambulane. That was a firm request by Dr. Stein, who I chat with via Skype at random times, on random days.
“You’re not defective, Mika,” Whit says softly. “I couldn’t have survived what you’ve been through. I can’t… Just hearing about it makes me want to curl into a corner and cry for you. Are you sure I can’t come out there and see you?”
“No. I… I can’t do that. It’s better if I slowly cut all ties. Did Aidan get the paper for ownership of the house?”
“Yes. It finally went through. But… It sort of set him off. He’s convinced you’ve gone off to die like a dog in the woods.”
“I didn’t come here to die,” I tell her. Again. It seems to be the same conversation every time I call her.
“Do you want to know about… Chase?” she asks.
My stomach tenses, and my throat closes up.
“No.” The word is a pained whisper, and I glance toward the screen of my laptop, seeing the latest version of how I’ve killed him… After having my way with his body a few times.
At least people can’t judge me for the things I do to cope. What are they going to say? That I’m crazy?
“Are you sure? I think you need to hear, because—”
“Whit, I really, really, really don’t want to know. If he’s doing great, that will hurt to hear. If he’s hurting like me, that will hurt to hear. If he’s drinking, that will kill me. If he’s doing worse… I just can’t. Not right now. I’m still trying to keep my head in a good place.”
She sighs heavily, and I swear I hear her nodding.
“You’re getting out and stuff, right? Not staying in over three days?”
“I’m getting out,” I assure her, even though it’s hard as hell to force myself to do.
I owe it to Aidan to keep myself as normal as possible. He’s fought so hard for me for so many years. I just hate that it’s taking him so long to bounce back from my absence. I want him to be happy, not missing me.
It takes all my strength not to go back.