“I don’t want to hurt you, Lily. But I don’t want to get hurt either. What happened last spring . . . it ripped me apart. I can’t go through that again.” He continued to look at me and I could see his struggle. “I think we could have something truly amazing. But it would take a lot of work to get there, on both of our parts. And I just don’t think I can put that kind of effort in if you still see Max.”
I looked down at the table, unable to hold his gaze any longer. Max was coming between us again. But this time, things between Max and me were different. I knew that. Though Adam didn’t. And I couldn’t blame him. If the roles were reversed, I wouldn’t want Adam to keep in contact with his side action. What he was asking me for wasn’t unreasonable. But, for some reason I couldn’t quite figure out, telling Adam that I would expunge Max from my life felt . . . wrong.
I couldn’t get logic and emotions on the same page. A relationship with Adam was the one thing I wanted more than anything. But when it came time to prove it, I hesitated. Why the hell is this decision so difficult? It should be a no-brainer.
Adam was everything I wanted. Everything I needed. I had dreamed about the possibility of him taking me back for the past eight months. And now that it was finally here, I was going to risk it all for Max? Why was I doing this? Again?
“I know I can’t ask you to stop seeing him. The decision is clearly yours. But . . . now you know where I stand. So think about it and let me know what you decide.” Adam gave me a stiff smile and I immediately felt unworthy of even that small act of kindness.
I was failing him already. By taking time to think about something that should have been an automatic response, I was telling him all he needed to know. I would give anything for him. Anything except Max.
We managed to hold a casual discussion for the remainder of dinner, but it was awkward and loaded with unresolved issues. When we returned to my complex and Adam walked me to the lobby, I didn’t even bother asking him if he wanted to come upstairs. Our relationship felt like it was starting to dissolve before it had even had a chance to form. And as Adam pulled me to him for a hug goodbye, I held him tightly and inhaled deeply into his shoulder, wanting to commit his scent to memory.
As I walked into my apartment and locked the door behind me, I lost all control. I slunk down against the door and cried for the first time in months.
***
Once I pulled myself together, I stood and made my way to my bedroom. I walked in, threw my purse onto my bureau, and caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror in the process.
“Who are you?” I asked my reflection. I stood in front of the mirror, looking at myself. Really looking. I felt like I was the Lily of eight months ago: desperate for approval from the man I wanted, but still fucking it all up. Weak and vulnerable, the glimpse of the old Lily was sobering.
I straightened my spine and lifted my chin. This pathetic little girl wasn’t me anymore. Ultimately, it was my approval that I needed—no one else’s. And as I continued studying myself, I realized why I hadn’t agreed to stop seeing Max. It was because, even though I wanted a life with Adam, I didn’t want Adam to be my life. I worried that if I gave in on that, then I’d give in on other things. Independence was something that took me a long time to find, and I didn’t want to throw it away the first time it was tested.
While losing Adam would be a decision that would haunt me, possibly forever, casting aside a friendship that was, for whatever reason, important to me could be damaging. What would I be willing to give up next time simply to put Adam at ease? I unzipped my dress and unclasped my bra, allowing both to fall to the floor before reaching to my bed for the tank top I slept in.
But I didn’t put it on. I gazed at myself, bare. No pretenses, no illusions, no hiding. I needed to ask the tough questions. And I needed to answer them. Did Max still arouse me? Yes. Did my eyes sometimes go to him and linger there, unable to look away? Yes. Was I happy when I was with him? Yes.
Did I love him?
I lowered my head to stare at the carpet. I took some deep breaths before forcing my head up again. Did I love Max? Yes. In the way a girl will always love the dangerous boy she grew up with. He may not be her future, but he was instrumental in making her who she was as an adult. I’d only truly been an adult for a matter of months, but I had no doubt that Max had shaped this person I now saw reflected back at me. And now it was my turn to be that person to Max.
Pulling the tank top over my head, I gave myself a nod before turning and walking toward the bathroom to get ready for bed. If Adam and I were meant to be, then we’d be. I wouldn't compromise who I'd become—and who I still might grow to be—because that wouldn't be fair to me. And I’d never be able to live with Adam if I couldn’t even live with myself.
Chapter 19: Lily