I shift my body before reaching out and taking his large hand in mine. “It wouldn’t change a damn thing. They’re your family, regardless of the fact that you don’t share the same father. I honestly think . . . well, I think it would help them let go of their own pain from the past.”
His hand turns, shifting so our palms touch, and his fingers contract against our hold. “I’ll add that to the list to think about. How’s that?”
With a small smile, I nod.
“You gonna help me with that?”
I feel my brows turn in. “Help you with what?”
His eyes crinkle, a tiny smirk forms on his full lips. “Dealin’ with that list when the time comes.”
“Yeah, Maverick.” I sigh. “Even if I’m just there as a friend to turn to. If you need me, I’ll be wherever you need me.”
Once again, the silence grows. His eyes continue searching mine, but this time he doesn’t look pained—instead, a look of reverence is shining through the bright green depths. I know what is likely to come next, and I’m not sure how I’ll handle it. I just know I’m ready.
“Maverick?” I ask, breaking the silent tension. He raises his brow for me to continue. His grasp on my hand still held in his tightens. “Why didn’t you just tell me this? You say that you knew how I felt about you, but why was hurting me the only answer? You could have just left . . . you know, without doing that.”
He continues to look into my eyes while petting a now sleeping Earl with one hand and sweeping his thumb against the sensitive skin at my wrist with the other. I take a deep breath and try to calm my racing heart, waiting for him to speak.
“No other answer I have could ever make sense of what I thought was my only option back then. I knew that what I felt for you was strong. I was drawn to you, just as you were to me. My whole damn life you were the only one that ever made me feel like I wasn’t lost. You came into a room and I didn’t feel trapped. You were completely clueless about how I felt, but even without any indication that I returned your feelings, you never hid how you felt about me. I knew if I gave in to the pull I felt to you, I would be here forever, and with Buford around, I couldn’t stay. I also knew that on the off chance I got out and was able to keep you in the process, you would have followed me without thought. You would have given up everything you were meant to become and I couldn’t let that happen. I was ashamed and felt weak because I had allowed Buford to treat me like that for so long. I didn’t think I was worthy of you. In my head, it was better for you to hate me and let me go than to look at me like a coward and one day resent me for stealin’ you away from the future you always wanted here in Pine Oak.”
“I can’t pretend to understand how you came up with that logic, Mav, but you were young and I reckon just trying to find your way out of what you felt was an impossible situation. I can see that now. It doesn’t make it hurt any less, but I get it. I never would have looked at you as weak. Ever. I honestly don’t think I could have ever resented you, but I can also see why you would think that possible. To be honest, who knows what would have happened?”
It breaks my heart even more knowing that he felt the same pull to me, but left because he didn’t feel like he had any other choice. He had been abused for so long that survival mode had kicked in and became the only thing he could focus on, and because of that, it cost both of us so much.
“I should have stayed.”
My eyes shoot to his from where they had drifted while I thought.
“Maverick—” I say with a sigh.
“No,” he interrupts. “I should have stayed. I should have been strong enough to stick it out. Things could have been so different. For both of us.”
“Or we could still be right where we are right now. You can’t let yourself think that way because you honestly don’t know how our lives would have gone if a different path had been taken. We can’t dwell on what could have happened if things were done differently, Maverick. Nothing can change the past. I understand now why you did the things you did. I know that wasn’t easy to tell me, but thank you for explaining. I’m not sure that knowing that back then would have changed things. I do know that I would have wanted the best for you—just like I do now—and I really do think you leaving to chase rodeo gold was the best thing you could have done for yourself. Even if that means admitting you did the right thing pushing me away.”
He rakes his hands through his hair. “Do you know how hard that is? To just accept the way things went when you know there were mistakes made? To not dwell on the things we wish we could have done different in life?”
I give him a small smile, his eyes going to my lips instantly. “Yeah, I know how hard that is, but it’s those mistakes and what-ifs that help mold us into the people we become. It’s because of those things you try not to dwell on that you’re able to make new decisions for your life as you grow.”
He lets go of my hand. I pull it back into my lap, still feeling the warmth of his touch. He picks Earl’s big body off his chest and places him on the cushion next to him before standing. My eyes follow his movements. He stops in front of me and holds out his hand. I take it without question, shivering when our skin touches again. My feet hit the rug, and when I expect him to drop my hand, he doesn’t. Instead, he brings our joined hands up until they’re folded between us. His other hand comes up to my jaw, tipping my head back so I’m looking into his eyes. He’s so much taller than I am, but with the way he’s bending down, our faces are just a breath away from each other.
“I can’t fix the past, Leighton. I can’t erase it, no matter how hard I wish I could. Hell, I can’t even promise that I’ll ever be able to forget it. The only thing I can do is to make sure that each day I live is worth somethin’, from this day forward. I could spend the rest of my life stuck livin’ for nothin’, or I could work my ass off to make sure that I make up for my past mistakes, so I can make sure they become mistakes I learn from and finally find a way to live for everythin’.”
My breath falters, and had he not been holding me up, I would have collapsed. My hand, held in his, tightens. The other, which had been limp at my side, reaches up and tentatively pushes up his chest until I curl my hand around his neck. His eyes darken. I lick my lips and I feel his arousal jerk at my stomach.
“I’m terrified.” My voice comes out as a whisper.
“Me too, darlin’, me too.”
He closes the distance between us and presses his lips to mine. He doesn’t move to deepen the kiss, but instead just holds his mouth there. Our breaths mingling as we stare into each other’s eyes. He peppers my lips with a few more closed-mouth pecks before lifting his head, keeping our faces close while he waits for me to speak.