“No, Angel.” His voice was determined yet gentle. “For you, I won’t. You’re going to trust me and tell me what happened.”
I’d planned to do just that, but now, seeing him in front of me, so close to knowing the truth, the words wouldn’t come out. “I can’t! Don’t you see that I can’t?” My fists pounded on his chest in quick succession as he stood there, absorbing every strike like it was simply the flit of a butterfly wing. Finally realizing what I was doing, I withdrew, covering my mouth, fresh tears glassing over my eyes.
Without a word, he studied me and I saw it, clear on his face. He was seeing me. And he wasn’t backing away.
Oh God, this can’t be happening.
But it was and it couldn’t be undone. Part of me was relieved to finally give up the charade, and part of me was scared out of my mind, scrambling around inside to cover up like I was standing here naked, bared to his scrutiny.
For so many years, I was constantly on my toes, always with my guard up. Making sure to keep my lies in tact and stay buried within my skin so no one would know what was really going on. And then, like what happens when your body crashes after a serious high, mine went limp, almost catatonic. My shoulders bowed forward and I felt the life seep right out of me, seeming to melt down from my head and drain out of my fingertips as they hung toward the floor.
“Don’t look at me like that.” I fidgeted with the hem of my shirt, unable to meet Blake’s eyes.
“Tell me what happened to you.” He placed his hands on the sides of my face and erased my tears with the pads of his thumbs, lifting my gaze to his. His voice was so soft, so compassionate.
My lower lip trembled. “Do I have to say it? I think you know what happened without hearing the words.”
The muscles in his neck worked to push down his swallow, and his eyes gave away his fear of what I’d just said. “Yes, you do. I need to know, and you need to get it out finally. Something tells me you’ve been holding it in since it happened. That shit’ll kill you inside. The longer it festers, the worse it’ll be. Give it to me. I told you, I can handle it.”
I let out a jagged breath. Was I really going to do this?
If I wanted this thing between us to go anywhere, I knew I needed to.
Taking a little too long to compose myself, Blake cleared his throat, cutting into my thoughts. “When did it happen?”
I focused my eyes away from his, drifting off into that far away place as a lone tear slipped down my cheek. “I was fourteen when it started.”
He sucked in a sharp breath. “When it . . . started?”
“Yes,” I replied in a hushed whisper. It was the first time I’d admitted that to anyone other than Jace, and I felt dirty, ashamed. A pang of nervousness shot through my belly when I wondered if he would be thinking the same thing. I quickly prepared myself for the worst.
I watched the blood drain from his face as the depth of my words sunk in. He began to work his jaw again, and his eyes grew more intense. “Why haven’t you told anybody?”
I squared my shoulders, knowing I hadn’t told him the worst part yet. That, I wasn’t ready to share. “No one can know.”
His eyes tightened their focus on me as his eyebrows drew in sharply. “What do you mean no one can know? How can anything be done about it if no one knows? You have to tell someone.”
“No! And please don’t push. It took a lot for me to tell you that much.” My breaths came in quick gasps as I stood my ground.
Sliding his arms around my waist, he buried his face in my hair. “My God, Angel, I’m so sorry. I didn’t want it to be true.”
“Don’t be. It’s not for you to be sorry about. You didn’t do anything and I’m fine . . . really.” I pushed away from him, needing distance. This was all too much for me, and the need to run was still festering beneath the surface.
Blake’s eyes widened as he took in my guarded demeanor. He could tell he was losing me again. “Can I be honest with you?”
He snagged my pinky with his pointer. I looked down at our interlocked fingers in awe of how powerful that one connection felt. The smallest way two people could attach themselves to each other, but it felt like we were connected by steel.
“Sure . . .”
He took a moment to gather his thoughts. When his eyes met mine again, there was nervousness behind them, but it was hiding behind something more powerful. He blew out a slow breath, wiping his other palm on his thigh.