“You’ve taken up permanent residency. Give it to me. Let me take it away from you. Protect you. Be with me and I swear, you won’t hurt anymore.”
His words wrapped around my heart and clenched. Helping it beat in its weakened state. I wanted so badly to believe I could do this. To believe it would be okay. That I wouldn’t destroy him.
“Just be sure when this happens, you’re ready because you’ll be mine from that moment forward. I don’t intend on letting you go—ever.” He slid one finger under my chin and lifted my tear-stained gaze to his. “Be with me, Angel. Be mine. Be my forever.”
My insides shook violently. My whole body went numb, both unfeeling and feeling everything at the same time. All I had to do was say yes.
Three little letters.
One word.
Yes.
I felt weak, my head all fuzzy and uncertain. “I can’t be what you want.”
“Wrong. You’re already all I could ever want. There is nothing else for you to be. You just . . . are.”
His admission left me speechless. This man was bearing his soul. Leaving it all out there for me to either take hold of or crush in my grasp. “It isn’t right. You deserve so much more. You’re perfect. You’re everything. You deserve someone just as perfect.”
“That’s you, you silly girl.” He smudged away the tears now pouring from my eyes. “You can’t see it yet, but let me show you. Please just let me in. Don’t push me away. I can’t handle it.”
My bottom lip trembled as my body wracked with uncontrollable sobs. Still snaked around his body, I buried my head in the crook of his neck and wept.
“Shh. It’s okay. Everything’s going to be all right. I promise.” He comforted me, petting my hair. “Where are your keys?”
Without moving my head, I pointed toward my bag that I’d tossed on the floor in my haste earlier. Buried in the soft contours of his neck, his smell enticed my senses. My body clinging to him for support, he lowered himself and fished my keys from my bag before collecting it from the floor and making his way to my apartment at the end of the hall.
He shifted me on his hip, but still kept a secure hold while he unlocked my door. Setting my bag down on the coffee table, he walked around it and sat down on my couch.
My face still buried, body still encircling his in a cocoon, he ran soothing circles over my back. “Look at me.”
Dread loomed over me at the thought that I was letting him see me like this. So vulnerable. So insecure. A broken mess.
“Look at me, Angel.” He tilted my head back. “I don’t want you to ever cry because of me. I’ll never hurt you. I want to make you feel good things. Cry happy tears. And you will. When you’re ready. Do you understand?”
I nodded my head.
“I won’t pressure you. When you’re ready, I’ll be here waiting. It might be the death of me, but I’ll be here waiting. Got me?” He smoothed his thumbs over my cheeks.
I nodded my head once again, feeling like even more of a burden to him. “Blake, I’m so sorry I can’t give you what you need. I want to. Really, I do.”
“Shh. You will, baby. I know you will. It’ll be okay.” He kissed the tip of my nose, and I leaned in to hug him, content to stay like that forever. His hand smoothed the length of my hair as he buried his nose, collecting my scent. “Your shampoo drives me wild. Peach. I bet you taste like a peach. My little peach.” He curled the long strands of my hair around his finger.
And here, right here, in the midst of everything, I let it happen. I don’t know how I let it happen, but I did. With him petting my hair and rubbing my back, with the enormity of both our admissions, with the low, soft beating of his heart in my ear, his steady slow breathing . . .
Right here, in his arms, I was lulled to sleep.
I’m walking into walls, spitting back my reflection at every turn. I need to find a way out of this maze. Wiping away the sweat on my brow, I watch as one hundred different arms repeat the same motion. Every corridor looks the same. There are no deciphering marks to help me find my way to freedom. All I see are a million visions of myself.
My. Pathetic. Self.
I run and run, needing to get away from them, but they’re always there, staring back at me. A fleeting glimpse of a male figure pierces my periphery. More sweat beads as horror invades my senses. I’ll be trapped in this never-ending dungeon with him, unable to escape.
Run!
It can’t be. I try to convince myself it was all my imagination. I’m seeing things.
Run! Run!
There he is again. I scamper around a corner, clutching the mirror lining the wall for support when he slams into my chest.
No!
This can’t be happening. I try to free myself but his hold, it’s too tight. Unbudging. Frightened and shaking, I look up into the eyes of my captor. But instead of the sickening brown eyes I always see, I’m met with angelic blues, and a warm rush washes over my sweat-soaked body.