“Bree? Hello?” Molly waves her hand in front of my face.
“Oh yeah,” I say hoping the quaver in my voice doesn’t give me away. “Well, yeah I don’t think he thought it was that serious, ya know.”
“Yeah, for sure.” Molly nods and starts popping toast in and out of the toaster.
“So,” I say, grabbing the orange juice and some cups. “When did they do it?”
“Oh gosh, I don’t know, it was …” Molly turns around real slow, her face falling into a frown as she stares me down. “Oh my gosh, it was way before you. Like the beginning of March.” Her eyes widen. “You didn’t know?”
I line up the glasses real straight and focus on pouring juice.
“Shoot. I figured you knew and that’s why you hate her so much.”
“Nope. I didn’t know. Oh well. It’s not a big deal.” I count the glasses over and over. “There’s six of us right?”
“Yeah, Bree. Six.” Molly grabs the container from me. “Hey, you can’t say anything to anyone. Please? I mean it. Jane made me swear not to say anything. She didn’t want anyone to know.”
“Jane didn’t want anyone to know what?” Kallie asks as she and Todd come into the kitchen.
“Breakfast. Cool! You should be the one makin’ me breakfast Kallie.” Todd laughs.
“Yeah, well, I was up early, so …” Molly looks at me.
“Don’t even try it,” Kallie says. “Finish what you were saying. What is it about Jane you’re not supposed to tell us?” Kallie grabs a piece of bacon and takes a bite, glaring. Her eyes dart from me to Todd. “I’m pretty tired of everyone knowing but me.”
Molly shakes her head at me, wide-eyed and biting her lip.
“Don’t worry guys,” I say. “It’s not what you think.”
Justin steps into the room and so does Sean. Everyone stands still. I’m not sure if they’re not moving because the air’s so thick or they don’t want to be the first to grab a plate. Sean walks toward me but I step back.
“What’s not what we think?” Justin asks. “The bacon? Please don’t tell me it’s turkey bacon.”
“Oh well, nothing serious,” I say looking right into Sean’s eyes. “We were just talking about forks. Yeah, forks. And how Jane and Sean had sex. No big deal.”
Justin snatches a plate from the counter. “Well, alrighty then. I guess it’s real bacon.”
Kallie exhales. Todd clenches his fists but his mouth looks clamped shut. Molly studies the floor.
Sean steps forward again, his arm reaching toward my waist. “Bree, that was before you and I even … it was …”
“It was what? Just something you didn’t tell me during a whole conversation we had about sex or something you might have mentioned in one of the million conversations where I’m telling you everything about me? So, it was what? Something you forgot? A mistake right? Just like last night. A big fucking mistake.” I sprint out of the kitchen and upstairs. I grab my things and run back down, passing Sean on the way.
“Breeze, c’mon, just talk to me for a second.”
I can’t hear him because I am running. Out the door. To my car. Out of here.
On the way home, Sean’s sweatshirt stares me down from the passenger seat. I roll my window down to throw it out, but the car in my rearview stops me. I grab it and toss it in the back.
****
Once I’m home, I drag myself into the shower and put my pajamas on. I lay in bed, like a butterfly trying to wrap itself back into a cocoon. Everything is awkward, crooked, heavy, bent, and broken. All the feelings from last night. The magic, the lake, the moon, the heat, the loveliness of it all, the high of it, is dissipated. Washed away in a hard, cold, face-slapping morning. My phone vibrates off and on throughout the day beneath my damp pillow. Every buzz is a needle that drags along my skin, jagged, sharp, in and out.
The doorbell rings around two and then again an hour or two later. Both times I tell Mom I’m sick. I’m not talking to anyone.
“Just please leave me alone, please,” I tell her from under my blankets, a fresh parade of tears springing to my eyes. I cradle my pillows, my stuffed dog Pippa, and an ache that feels like winter.
TWENTY-SIX
Sunday morning after the doorbell rings, Kallie marches into my room. “This is crazy. C’mon. Get up. You can’t let this get you down.”
“How’d you get in here?” I pull myself up and wrap my comforter around me like a cape.
“Your mom. Duh. I told her it was about a boy and the only panacea was your BFF and this.” She tosses me a white paper bag.
I open the bag, “Mmm donuts.” Powdered jelly. I take a bite and the tears fall out of my eyes and onto my donut.
“Omigod, this is so sad.” Kallie hops on my bed and wraps me in a hug. She starts crying too.
“It’s pathetic.” I pass her the bag. “You’re gonna need one of these.” We sit on my bed, eating donuts and wiping powdered sugary mouths and tears with paper napkins.
“So what’re we doing? Prom: Parties of One?” Kallie smiles.
“What’re you talking about?”