You’re probably wondering what I’m doing writing you this letter. You’re reading this because I’m gone. No longer here. Passed Away. Offed. Dead. Suicided.
Before I decided to do this, I wondered what everyone would think. I ran through everyone. People that cared, or tried to care about me, and people that cared about making me feel like a piece of shit every day I went to school. None of you know me. At all. You only know what I am on the outside. Too quiet, too skinny, too clumsy. Too ugly. A loser. I thought about all the people who never let me forget any of those things. What will they do now? Then, because of what happened last week in the bathroom and the library, I thought about you, where you fit into that. I don’t owe you an apology, but I think it’s only fair to give you an explanation. Two reasons. One is that I’m not a total bitch. I’m not trying to leave certain people thinking it was all their fault. The other reason is pride. School has been hard for me and everyone sucks. But still, I’d hate for people to think that they were the number one reason for me ditching life. Here’s the deal: I’m sorry if I didn’t accept your apology but at that point, my decision had already been made. I didn’t want anyone or anything messing with my head.
There’s one person at school who knows how shitty things are and never once tried to make it better. She went out of her way to make sure I’d never forget what a loser I am for ruining her fake perfect life. I’m sure you don’t know this, but Jane is my cousin. We were best friends until we were six. That’s when everything went to shit. Her dad is a monster and I can only imagine how different my life would’ve been without him ruining me, erasing me with his hands, and asking me to keep his secrets. After a while I did tell someone. I told Jane but she said we couldn’t tell anyone or we’d all be in trouble. She told me to wait and we’d run away. But after another year of just plans, I couldn’t wait anymore, I told my parents that he’d been sexually abusing me and he got locked up. I never saw Jane again except in school. She made it clear where she stood. She blamed and hated me. She didn’t even need to threaten me not to tell anyone else about what her dad did. I haven’t said a word about it since the day I told my parents and an officer at the police station. But last month, her dad got out of prison. I can barely breathe knowing he’s not locked away anymore. I’m tired of feeling cold, and damaged, and invisible. It’s not going away and knowing that he gets to walk free and start a new life has chipped away at whatever was left of me. He gets to walk around living his life like he didn’t ruin mine. He’s trying to apologize to me and my family and we don’t want anything to do with him. I can’t talk to anyone about this. I don’t talk to my parents. My friends don’t even know yet. When you saw me and Jane at the library, she had asked if I was going to be okay. Bullshit. I told her to tell her dad to leave my family alone. It’s too late to apologize. She doesn’t care about me, she only cares about people finding out. I hate our school and I hate all the people in it. I don’t know if Jane or anyone will feel bad once I’m gone, but they won’t have me to bully anymore.
You’re the only one in our class who ever apologized. I was really mad at the time, but I’m glad you said something. I wish you would’ve a long time ago. The day you apologized I wished I could be like you, because you’re different and people still care about you. I was nominated as a joke. As much as I wanted to daydream about Prom being this big deal and me being able to feel special, it’s impossible. Because of everything. How they think of me, and how I feel about myself. As long as I’m here, no one’s going to change their mind about me. No way. And I can’t either. Please don’t forget about me on Prom Night. Prom Queen stuff is kind of a joke, but if it means anything, I hope you win. If it has to be someone, I hope it’s you. They’re all bitches. If you get the chance, please make sure you tell them. You owe me that much.
Tell them I said this: they’re all a bunch of assholes. Wherever I am right now, you can bet that I am no longer worried about feeling like shit and going to school and feeling even shittier. I hope everyone has a great time at the Prom but it won’t be at my expense. To anyone that has ever felt like a loser: sad, damaged, shitty, ugly, small, invisible, or lonely, I’m sorry. It was really bad for me but just because I didn’t fight anymore doesn’t mean you shouldn’t. I hope you dance tonight. Dance like no one is watching. I’m going to be okay now. I’m dancing too, and this time no one is laughing.
Forever,
Maisey
THE END