“Exactly. You better figure it out, before it gets figured out for you. Or you might end up going alone.”
I hang up with Kallie and slump into the seat of my desk. Out the window, the tops of the trees wave silently, leaves glistening with flickers of the soon-to-be setting sun.
Even with all the bad shit Jane’s dealt with, she has no problem juggling dates and going after what she wants. Kallie has no problem sweeping Todd’s crap under the rug just to save face. Maybe I should just do what everyone else would do.
A small robin flies past the trees, landing on my window’s ledge. Maisey’s words echo in my ear. Enjoy hanging out with all those assholes, seems like you’ll fit in just fine.
TWENTY-NINE
How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I can’t. The fear overrides.
If I love you as much as I do,
the pain will be greater, the loss more vast.
If I love you now, who’s to say it’ll last?
I’m not sure I’m enough to make you stay, I love you as far as I can run
As deep as an ocean of words I just can’t say.
I wake up in yesterday’s clothes, slumped over a furry blue pillow, my poem still on my lap. My alarm beeps from beneath my hip.
7:12 a.m. Damn it. It’s been going off for over an hour. I switch shirts, brush my teeth, swipe on deodorant, and rush out the door.
The first warning bell rings as I’m running into the school. I throw my hair up and race to my locker with one untied shoe. The whole time, I’m running through things in my head to say to Sean.
Let me count the ways to tell him I can’t do this one more day.
Pretending I don’t see you, hear you, miss you is exhausting.
Who you were with before me means nothing.
Maybe I should be sorry too.
Maybe I just got so mad because I was scared. Scared of loving someone and them loving me back and everything that means.
Maybe being with you is almost too comfortable. Things haven’t been easy lately but us being together made it better. That even when things were awkward, or we had uncomfortable things to say, scary things to talk about, things we were embarrassed about, we were able to just say it.
And I love that about you, and I love that about me. That talking to you and being with you has been so freeing and so scary at the same time.
I meant everything I said and did. I wouldn’t take back a second of it. The sex wasn’t a mistake. We’re not a mistake, us being together has been the only thing that’s felt right to me in a long time.
And I miss you like crazy.
I go over all of these things in my head. A hundred times during every class. Over and over in the hallways.
At the beginning of Nord’s class, Sean doesn’t try to say hi for the first time this week. It throws me off a little and my heart feels like it’s attacking me from the inside so I decide it’s best to wait and tell him everything after the final bell rings.
Once my breathing gets back to normal, I pass Kal a note.
I’m going to talk to Sean after class, so go ahead without me. EEEEEEK. Wish me luck!
She passes one back that says:
FINALLY!!!!
Nord has some of us read our poems during class. Thankfully, he doesn’t call on me. I’m not in the mood to give the class more insights into my love life than they probably already heard in the hallways. Sean doesn’t get called on either. This leaves us at the mercy of such works as Shandy’s poem about the majesty of sunbeams and four-leaf clovers and Justin’s scribed love for old movies and hockey.
The bell rings and Kallie grins and nudges me before making her way out the door. Sean steps out behind her without turning around. He doesn’t try to make eye contact the way he’s been doing all week. But as he turns the corner, I take a deep breath and clear my throat.
“Hey Sean.”
He spins around. “Oh, uh, hey.” Our eyes finally meet. But it’s not the way I planned. There’s no I’ve never stopped loving you eye talk. It’s just him with an expression that’s mopey and confused.
I feel a pinch in my heart. “Can I talk to you for a sec?”
He nods, squinting his eyes, “Sure … I, um, yeah.”
We make our way down the hall, an air of thick tension between us.
“Can we talk in the parking lot? Is that okay?” I pretend to straighten my folders and notebook in my arm. Someone walks in-between us, almost elbowing me out of the way. I drop my folder and quickly pick it back up. “Excuse me, you just––”
“Sorry.” Ugh. It’s Jane. Her eyes meet mine for a beat before she turns to Sean, handing him a shiny red cloth. “I brought a swatch of my dress so you can match it with the corsage. But listen, make it minimal. I don’t want too much red. Tell them to use white as the main and the red as the accent.”
“Yeah, sure no problem,” Sean says, tucking the cloth into the back pocket of his jeans.