The night by the lake
dirt in our fingernails
Moon in your hair
Love felt infinite
How can you just run away?
Turn your eyes
From what we felt just yesterday
I know you love
I know you care
Because I felt it when I held you
I was there
–Sean Mills
P.S.
Breeze,
Please let me know if you still want to go to Prom with me. If you don’t call tonight, I’ll stop bothering you. I don’t want you to think of me as another stalker ex-boyfriend.
Please call.
Love,
Sean
THIRTY
The weekend hours slither by without a word from Sean. Kallie doesn’t even call. Probably making appearances at parties and the diner with Todd. I spend my time going over all the things I wanted to say to Sean, but instead of me waiting until Friday like I did, in my mind, I tell him on Monday or Tuesday. I also replay every conversation we had about Jane, and how I could’ve asked about her. I’m not sure if he’s right that it would’ve been a deal breaker for me had I known. I don’t know. Maybe in the very beginning. But not later, not now. I wish he knew that.
Late Saturday night I spend an hour almost-calling Sean. Today I do the same. Finally, I give up and go to my car to get his Bengals football sweatshirt that’s been balled up on my backseat. I bring it into my bed, crawl under the covers, the faint smell of sandalwood taunting me until I fall asleep wrapped in his sleeves.
Molly calls Sunday, leaving a message to say “hi” and see what I’m up to. I don’t call her back. It won’t be long until people find out that I’m going to Prom alone. And since Sam and Kendall’s group is already set, I’m going totally alone. I thought I’d moved past using my “fake it ’til you make it” mantra but I’m bringing it back. There’s no way I can go to Prom by myself without stepping up my game. I’m going to look and feel like I belong and I don’t care what anyone thinks.
It doesn’t take long for word to get out about my solo status. By Tuesday I’ve had three guys, one girl, and even a junior ask to take me.
Sam slams her orange juice carton on the table. “Damn it. I had no idea Jess was into girls too. Theatre girls usually aren’t my type, but still. Could’ve been a game changer.”
“I’m sure there are a lot more bi girls in our school than you think.” Kendall shrugs then meets my eyes with an extreme look of pity. “I still can’t believe you’re going alone,” She pushes the suspiciously bright green broccoli around on her plate. “I feel really bad that we don’t have any room.”
“It’s eight of us total, but you can definitely hang out with us once we get to the dance,” Sam says.
“Sure. Don’t worry about it. It’s not like I expected you to hold a limo and dinner reservation just in case Sean decided to go with Jane. Of course it would’ve been nice.”
“Yeah we should’ve known. Those guys think they can do whatever they want no matter who gets dicked over.”
“Well, just for the record, I screwed up with Sean. And I’m the one who told Brian I’d rather go alone than with him.” I finally tell my side of the story and we laugh, comparing it to the versions Kendall and Sam have been hearing since yesterday.
“Oh shit,” Sam says. “If you would’ve just read the damn letter on the day he gave it to you. You must be kicking yourself.”
“So aside from being totally hot and super popular, Sean Mills writes love letters and is madly in love with you. He sounds amazing. But he’s going with Jane? I can’t believe you’re giving up, just like that.”
“Are you guys trying to make me jump off a bridge tonight or what? Jesus.”
Kendall’s eyes look past me as the sound of footsteps approach.
“Don’t jump Bree, don’t do it. I won’t have anyone to bother in Language Arts.”
“Hi Justin,” I say without turning around.
“Molly told me to ask if you wanted to come with us to Prom?” He sits down next to me. “Hello ladies.”
Kendall and Sam say hi and smile like jack-o’-lanterns with blinking eyelashes. Kendall practically drools into her chocolate milk carton. Sure he’s walking around with a little more confidence lately and toned it down half a notch with the jokes, but hanging with Molly Chapman has turned him into like, the eighth hottest guy in the school.
“I think I’m fine,” I say. “It’s not that big of a deal. Thanks though.”
“Don’t say I didn’t offer. Really don’t say that. I promised Molly I’d ask. She said you haven’t called or texted her back. She thinks you’re mad at her for everything.” He quickly glances at Sam and Kendall. “You know, for everything that came out about well, you know. Everybody.”
“Justin, everybody seems to know everything about everybody these days, so it’s not a secret.” I shake my head. “I’m not mad at Molly. I’ve been busy. I don’t feel like talking to anyone about this stuff. I’m over it.”