The bell chimed over the door as I entered the florist across the street from Green-Wood cemetery. The woman behind the counter was in her early seventies and she was taking a phone order. She lifted her head, peering at me over the rim of her glasses and smiled. The shop used to be her husbands but after he passed away their two sons took over but Roseann came in every weekend to help her boys out. She lifted a finger, signaling she’d be just a minute. I nodded, reaching into my pocket grabbing a few bills from the knot of cash I was carrying. I put the money on the counter and leaned my back against it, waiting for her to finish the order.
My phone vibrated inside of my pocket forcing me to pull it out and check the message. It was Jack; I had ignored his calls leaving him no choice but to text me. The message was short and to the point letting me know he was on his way back to the Dog Pound. The Bulldog would have to wait though. I’ve been coming here every Saturday for years now, since the first weekend after Christine’s death and had never missed one. I wouldn’t start now.
“Here you go, two dozen pink roses, extra baby’s breath,” Roseann said from behind me, holding the bouquet.
I turned around and took the flowers from her, leaning over the counter to kiss her cheek.
“Thanks, Ro,” I said, pulling back.
She rolled her eyes as if to say there were no thanks required but then she cocked her head to the side and studied me for a moment.
“Wish I could’ve met her,” she said.
“You wouldn’t have met her if she was alive,” I replied honestly. “Never bought her a flower while she was here, not a single rose.”
Roseann remained silent as she frowned. I guess she pegged me as the doting husband and not the shit one I truly was. I slapped my hand against the counter.
“Keep the change,” I said. “I’ll see you next week.”
“Take care, Blackie,” she called after me as the bell chimed and I exited the florist. I jumped back into my truck and crossed Fort Hamilton parkway, driving into the tremendous gated cemetery. I parked across the road, turned on my hazards and started up the steep grassy hill. I spotted the prior week’s bouquet, the roses had started to wilt and change color.
I reached the tombstone, laying the fresh bouquet at my feet before bending down to remove the cone with the partially dead flowers making her name visible against the stone. My stomach still twists each time I see Christine Petra carved into a tombstone. It’s the reason I buy two dozen roses and not one. It’s the reason Roseann adds extra white shit to the bouquet because the minute I stick the fresh flowers into the cone, her name becomes obscure. I changed the water, tossed the dead flowers into the trash can and replaced the cone with the new bouquet, blocking her name from my view.
“Hey babe,” I said, rising to my feet, brushing the dirt from my knees. “I don’t have much time today but I didn’t want to miss a Saturday,” I explained. “I never ask much of you, figure I’ve taken enough from you but I need a favor and I don’t know who else to turn to.”
I took a deep breath, pushing the hair out of my eyes as I stared at the roses. I don’t even know if she liked pink roses. I should probably switch it up, maybe next week I’ll get red… or purple, purple roses are different. They stand out, just like she always did.
“I fucked up,” I said, mindlessly. “But that’s no surprise especially not for you. It’s different this time, this time I didn’t just fuck with my life but with someone else’s too. Someone I never wanted to hurt, someone who doesn’t deserve the pain I inflict…someone as pure as you were when I met you. I don’t know what the fuck it is with me. How a guy like me gravitates toward the innocent ones but I fucking find all of you,” I hissed.
“I’ve never forgiven myself for taking something so perfect and destroying it, breaking it down until there was nothing left…I’ve never forgiven myself for what happened to you. It used to be your smile I was addicted too. It used to be your light that got me by. It used to be you.”
I shook my head. “And now it’s her. It’s her smile that makes me forget what I did to you. It’s her light that makes me want to crawl out of the darkness I binge on trying to torture myself until I pay for my sins. You and I both know how this ends though. I’ll take and take until there is nothing left. I’ll break her like I broke you. But as similar as the two of you are, you are different. She’s young, hasn’t experienced much and doesn’t know how fucked the world really is. She’ll break easier than you did. She’ll hurt more than you did.”