I bit the inside of my cheek and stopped myself from saying all the things she wanted to hear, knowing every promise that left my lips would be a lie.
It’s a good dream.
To think this heart inside of me is alive and able to beat for someone else but a dream is all it is. I used to be that guy, the one who keeps a woman, loves her with everything he’s got and everything he’ll ever be. I had love, cherished it until I destroyed it. It don’t matter how much I wish I can resurrect the man I used to be, or how much the girl before me deserves a man like that, that guy is dead and buried and won’t rise again.
My phone rang inside my pocket, forcing me out of my head and into the present. I let her go, immediately feeling the loss of her in my arms, and reached into my pocket to pull out my phone.
I stared down at the screen and the name of the man who was calling.
And just like that the dream shattered.
“I’ve got to go,” I hissed, silencing my phone before I shoved it back into my pocket.
She nodded, tucking her hair behind her ears as she took a step back.
“Hey,” I said, placing my forefinger under her chin. “No more tears,” I added.
She stared at me for a moment before nodding.
“No more tears,” she repeated.
“Girl, ain’t nobody worth your tears don’t you forget that,” I lectured. “Nobody,” I reiterated.
I should’ve left it at that but I wrapped an arm around her waist and dragged her body against mine. I bent my head, claiming that mouth of hers one more time, knowing the taste of her would linger on my tongue and drive me crazy.
“Sure as hell not me,” I rasped against her lips.
I finally pulled away, turning around and willed myself towards the door. I cursed myself for coming here, for touching her, for walking away from her…for everything.
“Blackie,” she called out.
Fucking hell.
My hair fell over my eye as I turned my head and glanced over my shoulder at her.
“Thank you for not taking it back,” she said hoarsely.
I narrowed my eyes in confusion, thought about asking her what she meant by that but left it alone, letting us both hang onto the dream of Leather and Lace for a little while longer.
I turned around, walked out the door, closing it behind me before I banged my head against it.
Give me a dire situation, a rival club looking to fuck with my brothers and I’ll take every one of them out. Give me a motherfucking gangster and let me bring him to his knees. Give me an addiction, and I’ll function. Give me a shitload of grief and I’ll push through it. Give me a tombstone with my wife’s name and I’ll bring flowers every Saturday.
Fuck, give me Jack in the middle of a debilitating breakdown and I’ll bring him back.
But don’t give me this.
Don’t give me Lacey.
Don’t make me want to do right by her when all I know is wrong.
Don’t give me Lacey when I’ll never be able to keep her.
Me: One.
My Maker: Too many to count.
Today I won the battle.
I was the one in control.
Not my mind.
Not Blackie.
Just me.
Just my heart.
Have you ever wanted something so badly? Have you ever been one of the lucky ones to get the one thing you want more than anything? It doesn’t matter how it comes to you, how it finally becomes yours, all that matters is that it did. You don’t get to bask in the glory because someone or something quickly tries to take it from you.
My maker has been taunting me since I left the Satan’s Knight’s clubhouse, filling my head with all the things Blackie probably came here to say.
He doesn’t want you.
He used you to forget.
He doesn’t really see you.
He told you what he thought would get him laid.
He didn’t know you were an inexperienced virgin.
He’ll never look at you the same.
He will say it was a mistake.
He’s going to tell you it should’ve never happened.
But he didn’t say any of that.
He danced with me.
He kissed me.
He held me in his arms and looked at me like I mattered.
Like I wasn’t a mistake.
Like I was something he wasn’t sure of.
Tomorrow it could all fade to dust but today…today I won.
I held on.
To Blackie.
To myself.
Chapter Five