“Wait, what? You kissed Hayes? You cheated on Cory?” Becca sounded almost outraged.
“No, I mean, nothing had happened with Cory at that point. Hayes kissed me first, then Cory, and after that night Cory and I started dating. But there had always been something about Hayes that I was drawn to. It was silly and juvenile, or so I thought. But then after Cory’s death, Hayes and I just kind of drifted together again.” I paused for a reaction, but all I got were gaping mouths. “It was confusing and wonderful all at the same time. He was at our school and I was constantly over at his house trying to help him care for his mother, and we just, I don’t know….” I let out a deep breath, a little overwhelmed by all the memories surfacing that I’d gotten so good at pushing down for the last three years. “Anyway, I fell in love with him and when he left, it hurt. And now he’s back. It just kind of caught me off guard. I didn’t think I’d ever see him again.”
“You fell in love with him?” Becca asked, her voice soft and full of worry. The gentleness of it made my eyes well with tears and caused that familiar pinch in the back of my throat. I managed to nod, biting my bottom lip, but couldn’t speak. “Why didn’t you tell us, Kenzie?” Suddenly Becca was on my side of the couch and Holly was kneeling in front of me, her hands on my legs while Becca’s arm went around my shoulders.
“I don’t know,” I cried as tears slipped down my cheeks. “He and I were so worried about upsetting his mother, the school finding out, people thinking we were insensitive to Cory. It was all so crazy, but we just couldn’t stay away from each other. I loved him, so much, I still do. I was worried if I told you guys, you’d be angry with me. So, I didn’t say anything. And then, before it ever really began, he left. So I never brought it up.”
“You should have told us,” Holly said quietly, her hand squeezing my leg. “We’re your best friends.”
“I know,” I said, still crying through my words. “And trust me, I wanted to, I just didn’t want to hurt anyone.”
“Looks like you’re the one who got hurt,” Becca said.
I shook my head. “Hayes did what was best for his mom, I know that. It was just a crappy situation. But guys, now he’s going to school here. I saw him two days ago and I literally lost the ability to form sentences.” I let out a soft chuckle thinking about how just the sight of him had rendered me useless.
“What does he want from you?” Holly asked.
I shrugged. “Nothing. He just said he hopes we don’t ignore each other if we walk past one another on campus.”
Holly looked confused. “And you say you were in love with him? It seems weird that he would drop off the face of the planet and then just show up acting like everything was fine. Were things between you serious?”
“Like, I gave him my virginity serious,” I said with a laugh, trying to act like the entire situation wasn’t gutting me.
“Wait, what?” Becca asked, pulling away from me with her eyebrows drawn together. “I thought you went to college a virgin.”
I shook my head. “No. I lost my virginity in Hayes’s college apartment just a few blocks from here.”
“Shut. Up.” Holly gasped.
“I very nearly lost it in a tent at the Holstater compound that night we had that campout party, remember? Becca opened my tent and he was totally in there, sleeping in his underwear.”
“Wow,” Becca said quietly. “I can’t believe all that happened and you never told us.”
“At first I couldn’t tell anyone, and then he left and it hurt so badly, I just tried to move on. Telling you guys any of it would have been too painful. But now, oh, my gosh….” The thought of seeing him walking through campus, holding some woman’s hand, having to see him with someone else, it made my stomach roll. “Now I have to see him and pretend like I’m not falling apart all over again.”
“So, you’re still in love with him?” Holly asked.
I held up my hands and gave a defeated shrug. “I can’t help it. There are times I wish I weren’t, but it never went away and I’m not sure it ever will.” I let out a large sigh. “This is not how I pictured my spring break starting.”
“Tell you what,” Becca said, standing from the couch with purpose. “We’re going to go get lunch, come back here and watch a few chick flicks, and then we’re going to go out and get you so drunk, you won’t even remember his name.”
“Girls’ night!” Holly said as she clapped and smiled. I couldn’t help but smile back. And the entire plan sounded excellent, so I agreed.
“I’ll go put some clothes on.”