I couldn’t understand why he didn’t give us enough credit, or even the opportunity to make our relationship work, but I tried really hard to focus on the fact that he thought he was doing what was best. Best for me and best for his mom. In those moments when I would get really angry with him, I’d think of Mrs. Wallace and I’d try to remember what he’d sacrificed for her. And that made me love him even more.
Tuesday I’d stayed home from school. I could hardly walk down the hall without crying, so school wasn’t a good place for me. But on Wednesday I’d decided to at least try. I’d never actually gone to high school at the same time as Hayes, but being in there, knowing he wasn’t within the walls, made the school feel strangely empty. By the time I got to history, I’d told Mr. White I wasn’t feeling well and went home early. I figured I’d tortured myself enough for one day. But the next day, and the day after that, I’d managed to endure the whole day. And by the end of day Friday, I’d made it all eight hours without crying.
I thought about him all the time, wondered where he was, what he was doing, but I never broke down and tried to contact him. I knew that would have just been painful for both of us.
Friday afternoon, though, I did find myself somewhere I hadn’t been in weeks.
“I know you’re the last person I should be talking to this about, but in a weird way, I kind of feel like you already know.” I sighed and pulled at a few blades of grass. “The thing is, I’ll always love you, and I’ll always love him. And I’m really thankful I was lucky enough to love you both and feel loved by both of you.” I ran my fingers across the letters of his name engraved on his headstone, and I wondered who would make sure it was taken care of since his mother and brother had moved so far away. I noticed a little bit of dirt in the Y of Cory, so I dug it out and wiped it on my jeans. “I will never have a best friend like you,” I whispered, trying not to cry anymore.
“Hey, we resent that.”
I turned to see Holly and Becca walking up the tiny hill toward Cory’s gravesite. I smiled at them, feeling so thankful they’d come looking for me.
“How’d you guys know where I was?”
“We asked your mom,” Becca said as the two of them sat down next to me. We were all quiet for a while, silent and thoughtful.
“I’ve never hung out at someone’s grave before,” Holly finally said.
I resisted the urge to roll my eyes, and said, “Me either. But I hadn’t come to see him since he was buried, and I figured it was time.” I gave a small laugh. “He’s surprisingly a very good and nonjudgmental listener.”
“What were you telling him that he would judge you about?” Becca’s eyes were trained on me, and I knew she could tell something major had happened in the last week. Of all my friends, she’d been the most observant, the most skeptical about the excuses and stories I’d made up to cover my time with Hayes. But in that moment, it felt right that only Cory knew. I figured one day I’d tell them what had happened, how I’d fallen in love with my deceased boyfriend’s brother, but today wasn’t that day.
“Stuff,” I said with a shrug.
“Have you heard from Hayes?” Holly asked innocently. I tried to make sure I didn’t pull a face at the mention of his name. I needed to seem completely unaffected, even if just the sound of his name ringing in my ears made my heart beat faster.
“Mrs. Wallace called my mom last night. They made it to Montana. They’re staying with her parents for the time being and she’s starting her therapy next week.” I said the words as fast as I could, not stopping to take a breath until the end, like ripping off a Band-Aid.
“I was really sorry to hear about his mom. I’m glad they decided to get her the help she needs,” Becca said softly.
“Me too,” I whispered. I looked over to Cory’s headstone. “You hear that? Your mom’s in good hands. She’s going to be just fine. She just misses you.” My voice cracked at the end of my sentence, my eyes stung, and my throat pinched. Both my friends reached out and rubbed my shoulder or my arm, letting me know they were there for me. I wiped away a tear and said, “We all miss you.”
After a few silent moments, Becca finally spoke. “The guys are at the mall. They want us all to go see the new scary movie that came out. Want to come with us?” She looked hopeful, as if she really wanted me to say yes, but was afraid I’d say no.
“Sure,” I said, wiping my fingers underneath both my eyes, trying to make sure I’d dried both my cheeks thoroughly. “I love spending my Friday nights as the fifth wheel.” I stood up, chuckling, then held out my hands to my two friends, pulling them both up as well.
“Hey, I was the fifth wheel for two whole years. You can spend an evening with your coupled-up friends.” Becca said and then laughed.
“True. But someone has to buy me popcorn.”
Three Years Later
Chapter Twenty-Eight
McKenzie
Somewhere, at some fancy university or research institute, college coffee houses across the country could be making big bucks by hiring laboratories to do research on prolonged caffeine intake and its effect on brain function and retention.