Hayes took a fast step toward me, grasping my shoulders before I could get away. I wanted him to stay with me, to choose to be with me, but I didn’t want him touching me just then. It felt too raw, as though his hands were carving into me.
“I love you, McKenzie. More than I could ever love anyone. But this, us, it isn’t right. Healthy relationships aren’t born from death, they don’t blossom in the dark, and they don’t flourish while being hidden.”
“We weren’t born from death,” I practically spit at him.
He shook his head ever so slightly, his grasp on me still firm. “If Cory were alive, I never would have been with you. And I’m not saying I was only with you because he died, but dammit, McKenzie, that’s how it feels right now.”
“This isn’t fair. You can’t just make me fall in love with you and then let me go like this. It feels like you set a trap and I’ve fallen in, and you’re just walking away, leaving me behind.” The rain was still pummeling us, and if I hadn’t had anger burning through me, I would have been cold. But I wasn’t shaking from cold, I was shaking from rage and pain.
“I wish I could explain how untrue that is, how I’ll never be able to leave you behind. I’ll never be able to just let you go, McKenzie. But as stupid as it sounds, and clichéd as this is, I’m letting you go because I love you so much.” His arms pulled me closer to him, and even though I didn’t want to, I let him bring me in. “I’m going to Montana, and I have no idea how long I’ll be there. This is not the time in your life when you’re supposed to be worried about your boyfriend and his mother. You’re supposed to be young, carefree, live life, and you’re supposed to fall in love, a lot.” He closed what space was left between us, my chest pressing up against his, rainwater running down both our faces. “I want you. I want you so badly, but it’s the most selfish part of me that would keep you tethered to me in that way. The best part of me, the part that loves you and wants nothing but goodness for you, wants you to fall in love with someone else instead of me.”
“There will never be anyone instead of you, Hayes. And up until ten minutes ago, that fact alone made me the luckiest person on the planet. But if you do this, if you push me away, it’ll ruin me. There will never be anyone else, and that will eat away at me for the rest of my life.”
He pressed his forehead against mine and my hands gripped the wet fabric of his t-shirt, trying to hold on to him for as long as I possibly could. When one of his hands cupped my cheek, I tried to keep my eyes down, knew that if I looked him in the eyes it would be my undoing.
“I love you,” he whispered. His lips pressed against mine and it was the saddest kiss I’d ever experienced. It was love and good-bye and I’m sorry all wrapped together, and I wanted to pull away, to yell at him, to tell him he was an asshole for making me love him and then throw me away. But instead, I kissed him back. Because there was a tiny part of me that knew it would be our last, and I wouldn’t have traded our last kiss for anything.
Ever since Hayes Wallace had been my first kiss, I’d believed, somewhere deep inside, he’d be my last. But I had no idea we’d burn out so quickly.
I cried against his mouth, unable to keep it at bay any longer. I pulled away, took one last look at the face I loved, turned, and ran away.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
McKenzie
There was something to be said for being more heartbroken over a breakup than the death of a boyfriend. It had been six days since Hayes told me he was leaving, four days since he actually left, and every time my heart beat, I was sure it would be its last. The first day was probably the worst. I ran home, barged into the house dripping wet and shivering, and spent an hour in a hot shower trying to bring myself back to life. My mom came home, heard me sobbing in the bathroom, and eventually managed to get me out, dressed in my pajamas, and eating ice cream. Again.
This time, though, she joined me in more than just solidarity because I’d broken the news to her that Mrs. Wallace was moving to Montana, which she hadn’t known. So, she was losing her best friend to distance, and I was losing my boyfriend to… what? To responsible heartbreak? Romantic martyrdom? I was swinging from a wild emotional pendulum. One moment I hated him. Hated him. And the next, I remembered every single thing about him that I loved and felt guilty for even entertaining the terrible thoughts of hate.
Of course I didn’t hate him.
In the middle of the night, when I couldn’t sleep and my mind was just a jumble of thoughts of Hayes, there was always one thing I knew for sure: Hayes loved me.