“Leaving you was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, Kenz. I’ve hated myself every day since, but I didn’t have any other choice.”
I did pull away at his words. “You didn’t have a choice? I didn’t have a choice, Hayes, because you left without giving me one. You made the decision for me. So, don’t pretend like you were forced to leave me behind. You did that.” I stepped away from him and turned, still wobbling in my heels. Not from the drinks or the height anymore, but from the adrenaline pumping through me. But I didn’t get far before he was in front of me again, hands on the outsides of my shoulders.
“You were eighteen, McKenzie. Eighteen. No eighteen-year-old should be tied to a man who couldn’t be there for her. You were going away to college. You were starting a new part of your life and I didn’t want to be the person who held you back from that.”
“You didn’t even ask me what I wanted.” My voice was a whisper.
“And if I had? What would you have said?” He moved in closer, his hands moving up; one stopping on my neck while the other moved to my cheek.
“I wanted you, Hayes. Any way I could have you. That’s all I’ve ever wanted.”
“That’s exactly what I was afraid of—that you’d choose me and then eventually, when it didn’t work out, we’d be over.”
“But we’re over anyway, Hayes.”
“Not if I have anything to do with it.” He said the words softly, his thumb running gently over my cheek.
I closed my eyes. My senses were so overwhelmed, adding sight into the mix was overload. His touch, his smell, the sound of his voice pleading with me, deep and raspy, was too much.
The fact of the matter was that I knew why Hayes left, and I never thought it was because he didn’t love me. Quite the opposite, in fact. He loved me enough to let me go. It didn’t really make it hurt any less, but over time, I’d realized that unless I knew he didn’t love me anymore, I’d never fall out of love with him.
I didn’t know what to say, but the silence felt too raw. Luckily, he spoke first.
“Come on, let’s keep walking.”
“Okay,” I said on a breath just before he pressed another kiss to my forehead. Then he turned and his hand smoothed down my arm until it met mine, and he laced our fingers together. He took a step forward, but I pulled his hand back a bit. “Wait a minute.” I reached behind me, bending a way that only girls who wore heels knew how, and pushed the shoes off my feet. I bent, never letting his hand go, and picked up the shoes. I held them up and said, “Not made for long walks.”
He smiled, causing me to smile back, and he gave my hand a squeeze.
We walked for hours, until the sky turned an orangey-pink, slowly making our way through the small college town, passing my apartment three times. I never told him though, because I didn’t want the walk to end. He never let go of my hand, keeping it in his the entire time. I wouldn’t have had it any other way. Eventually, though, he caught me yawning.
“Shit, Kenz, it’s six in the morning. I should probably get you home.”
I shrugged. “Becca and Holly are probably still asleep.” Holly had a key to my apartment, and after I’d called Becca as promised, she told me they’d wait for me at my place. I’d only had to send them one proof of life picture at 3:00 a.m. I hadn’t heard from them since.
He looked at me and I watched as his eyes roamed over my entire face, like he was taking inventory or gauging my level of exhaustion. “My place is just up the road. I could show it to you. My coffeemaker is all set up.”
I smiled. “Sounds great.”
He led me to his place and I giggled. “We’ve walked past your apartment so many times!”
“I know,” he said, laughing with me. “I just was afraid to say anything because I didn’t want the night to be over.”
“We passed mine three times.” Our eyes were locked and it warmed me right down to my fingernails, knowing he was feeling the same exact things I was.
He opened his door and let me in, his hand releasing mine. I felt the absence immediately and hoped it wouldn’t be the last time our palms were pressed together.
His apartment was bare, but that was understandable. He’d only moved in a few days prior and there were still boxes lined up on one wall in the living room. He walked to the kitchen and started prepping coffee and I took in the rest of his apartment.
I yawned again, feeling the exhaustion from being up all night taking over, but I wanted to fight it. I feared if I went home the magic of the evening would fade away.