I know that’s silly and a little overdramatic, but when I’m with you, I’m stronger. You make me face new things, yet you stand by me until I overcome them.
Because of that generosity, I took everything you gave me, lynching your strength and leaving you with nothing for yourself. I understand now that I’ve taken too much and I’m so unbelievably sorry.
I always knew our time together was temporary—just like you.
When you first took me, I believed it would be temporary by ending my life. And now that I know you, I understand it’s because two people like us can never have forever.
We’re too damaged.
Too wary.
I stupidly hoped I could change us into permanent, if only we worked together, but I see now that was my true naivety.
I need to let you go.
This is goodbye, Elder.
Don’t worry about me. You’ve taught me to survive.
Don’t follow me. I’m no longer your concern.
Don’t regret being with me. Because I will forever think of you fondly.
I’m alive because of you—
I paused as a tear splashed onto the paper, smearing the ink until it turned into a swirling watercolour rather than cursive.
The letter was already too long. I had to leave before he returned and broke my heart some more. However, I had something else to say. Something he’d mentioned at dinner and filled me so full of love I’d almost burst with it.
The pen swished across the paper.
You once stole my letters to No One. To begin with, I felt so violated having you read my deepest confessions. But now, I’m glad. You were right the other night. I think I was always writing to you. It hurts to think of you as no one. As someone so alone. But it gives me something so priceless to know all along, my letters were meant for you.
And you found me.
I begged for help, and you delivered it.
I cried for a new life, and you provided it.
I craved a kinder existence, and you showed me it was possible.
I’ll never forget you, Elder Prest.
I’ll always love you, No One.
Please never forget me.
Pimli—
I stopped mid signature.
Did I really want to say goodbye to Elder with a slave name? To let him forever remember me as some beaten girl, when, thanks to him, I was so much more than that?
I could sign off as Little Mouse—the nickname he’d chosen to use when we were intimate or heart-joined. But even that wasn’t perfect.
My true name had been my secret.
Elder had wanted my secrets.
Now, he would never have them. But I could give him one as a parting gift.
With my fingers tight around the pen, I scrawled my old name, turned new name, turned known identity.
Yours forever, Tasmin.
I didn’t bother with my last name as I didn’t want to give him any way to chase after me. I couldn’t vanish into the world, return to my mother, and forever look behind me hoping he’d find me. I couldn’t lie in bed at night believing he’d hunt me down and admit he couldn’t live without me.
No.
This was the way it had to be.
He would only know my first name. He would never know where to look. He would have no way of ruining us further.
With tears dripping down my cheeks, I kissed the letter, folded it carefully—wishing I was talented enough to transform boring rectangle into pretty origami—and placed it on the end of the bed.
With a heavy breath that whistled through all the new holes inside me, I slipped feet into flip-flops, glanced at the Japanese/English dictionary and black metal spoon I’d stolen for him, crept from the hotel room…
and vanished.